5 Times the Secret Service Needed to Call the Secret Service for Themselves
We’d like to think that the Secret Service, in their modern duty of presidential protection at least, are impenetrable. After all, they have a pretty binary job, and you’d think that if they fucked up, we’d know about it — by nature of, you know, all the flags at half-mast.
But that doesn’t mean that they haven’t stained the bed a good couple of times in smaller ways. Which I guess is what they can always claim at the hearings, saying, “Hey, he’s alive, isn’t he?” But especially with a Secret Service agent recently being robbed at gunpoint, it can start to make people wonder, “Wait, are these guys… fallible?”
Here are a few times the Secret Service could have used another helping hand…
Crashing Into Their Own Security Barrier
I have to imagine guarding the president is a high-stress job, and judging by the amount of alcohol-related Secret Service oopsies that have popped up, I have a hunch on how some of them deal with it. For example, in 2015, two men drove their car into a security barrier at the White House, while there was an active bomb threat, which I assume results in an immediate DEFCON one billion being sent out over those little earpieces.
Luckily, it ended up being little more than a suit-and-tie version of that Spider-Man meme when they realized that the passengers were two Secret Service agents, not-so-secretly shitfaced after coming straight from a retirement party.
A Mysterious Bullet Left Behind
A single bullet left in a hotel room sounds like something out of a spy novel, where you’d assume the bullet was untraceable, or maybe silver if the president was a werewolf. But nothing that exciting happened in 2013. Instead, it was the overly horny error of a Secret Service agent who met a woman at a hotel bar, which I think should basically be forbidden if you work in intelligence. He then followed her up to her room (with permission), but she freaked out when she realized he was carrying a firearm.
He attempted to calm her down by removing the magazine and clearing the chamber. Unfortunately, he left the bullet he’d removed from the chamber in the woman’s room, and when he turned to the hotel for help finding it, they called… the Secret Service.
When Biden’ s Dog Kept Biting Them
I apologize to the pants legs and thighs of the affected agents, but this is never not going to be a little funny to me. If you never read about this recurring problem, apparently Biden’s dogs have a particular taste for his guardians. They’re German Shepherds, too, so these aren’t little ankle nips. First, his dog Major repeatedly bit Secret Service agents, necessitating his removal from the White House. A lonely Biden re-upped with another German Shepherd named Commander, who promptly filled his predecessor’s paws, biting over 24 agents — the kind of bite count that would get him commendations in some sort of dog military.
Secret Service Cutting Loose in Colombia
The headline “Secret Service Sex Scandal” is a delightful bit of alliteration, but probably one the Secret Service itself didn’t enjoy. In 2012, on a visit to Cartagena, Colombia, multiple secret service agents allegedly partied hard, including hiring sex workers, which, to be fair, is legal under certain circumstances in Colombia. I can’t imagine, though, that it’s recommended for people with direct access to the president. “Hey, Barack, this is my new friend Ms. Honeypot!” would probably be met with frowns.
It’s also legal to raise snakes, but I wouldn’t do it in a chicken coop.
All Those Times Presidents Got Assassinated
Hey, fellas, if you’re going to decide to not clear every floor of a book depository or step out for a smoke break while Lincoln watches the play, maybe we need an Extra-Secret Service, or at least to start using the buddy system.