14 Somehow Totally Inappropriate Facts About Fruits and Vegetables
Children are right to hate fruits and veggies. We shouldn’t let them anywhere near these lascivious treats. Cut ‘em out of the food pyramid altogether, I say.
Wasps Need Figs to Reproduce
Female wasps crawl inside of figs, in hopes of laying their eggs in there. If it’s a female fig, she won’t be able to lay eggs — although she will fertilize the fig, causing it to grow, ripen and consume her body. If you eat a lot of figs, you’ve probably eaten a wasp.
It Gets Worse
If the wasp enters a male fig, she is able to lay her eggs. This is, arguably, bad news for all involved. The blind, flightless male offspring will wake up first, in order to mate with their sisters, then chew their way out of the fig and die. The females later exit through those chew holes, and start the whole terrifying process all over again.
‘Sitophilia’
That’s the official word for the horny type of “food play.” It’s a fetish that’s closely related to other messy adult hobbies you’ll learn about when you’re older, like sploshing, feederism and body sushi. Most food-play enthusiasts will assure you it’s not related to vore.
Raymond Loewy’s Sitophilia Contraption
In 1993, the famous French designer created a vegetable dildo sculptor, which was essentially a pencil sharpener meant to carve phallic foods into even more penile shapes.
Some Helpful Sitophilia Tips
LA Weekly published a guide to “organic masturbation,” aka jackin’ it with fruits and veggies. If you’re going to insert something, give it a wash to get the chemicals off (or use a condom). And always leave the peel on, for structural integrity. When you’re done, they say you can peel and eat it if you really want to. As if you needed to be told that.
Inserting Bananas Is a Risky Move
Their high sugar content can cause a yeast infection. The peel, however, can make a “cool new masturbation sleeve” for the be-penis’ed.
‘Dendrophilia’
That’s the term for a sexual or romantic love of trees. It can include anything from drilling a hole in a tree and going at it, to gently caressing your body with a leaf or flower.
This Fetish Can Be Quite Illegal
People occasionally get arrested for humping stumps. In 2023, a guy was filmed undressing and docking with a big dead stump in the U.K.’s Queen Elizabeth Gardens in broad daylight.
There Are Very Few Proven Fruit or Vegetable Aphrodisiacs
Plenty of herbs, fruits and vegetables are proposed to make you last longer, finish stronger, etc. But there appears to be only one FDA-approved plant-based aphrodisiac for men: Pausinystalia yohimbe, an extract from West Africa’s yohim tree.
Unless You Count Weed and Alcohol
Alcohol’s depressive effects are associated with lowered inhibitions and increased sexual desire (although too much, in one session or over time, is associated with an inability to bone). Half of weed users in one study reported a higher libido, but the other half reported no difference.
Fruit Flies Will Get Drunk if They Can’t Get Laid
A fruit fly will have sex every time, given the opportunity. But if a male is unable to find a mate, scientists have found that they will seek out alcohol, which in nature would often be fermented fruit juice.
Don’t Forget the Anaphrodisiacs
Mashua, boldo, white lily and the appropriately named chasteberry are all thought to quell that boner. One study found that glycyrrhizin, which is found in licorice root, lowers testosterone in men. This corroborates the long-held conventional wisdom that eating licorice lowers libido. It could just be that licorice is gross as hell, too.
Secondary Anaphrodisiac: Some Roughage Makes Your Semen Taste Worse
It’s all the usual suspects: asparagus, broccoli and other veggies with a strong odor may take that stank with them into your urethra.
Plants Get STDs, Too
Certain fungi travel between host plants via pollen, in a mechanism very similar to animal STDs. Darwin was particularly obsessed with studying a veggie STD called anther smut. “Anther Smut” sounds like a drunk pro baseball player from the 1800s who died from untreated pollen fungus.