The Dumbest Ghosts Ever
Fascination with death is maybe one of the only universal constants of life, so it’s no surprise that humanity’s art is just lousy with ghosts. The problem is that we don’t actually know the rules of the supernatural, so we’re free to just make them up, and as a result, most pop-culture ghosts suck shit.
The Sixth Sense
The ghosts’ obliviousness to their condition is explained in The Sixth Sense as them “seeing what they want to see,” and boy, did Bruce Willis crave seeing himself being ignored. It never strikes him as even a little strange that no one ever speaks to him or acknowledges his presence, including anyone who might have hired him to counsel Haley Joel Osment. Word of advice: If your wife gives you the silent treatment for several months, you either died or fucked up beyond redemption.
The Ring
The little girl who crawls out of the TV is both scary and effective, but it’s a rookie ghost mistake to base your haunting on technology with an uncertain future. Samara’s reign was over as soon as VHS was phased out. Sure, maybe some idiot would upload it to YouTube, but the Rickroll has taught us to never click on an unknown video link. Besides, everyone’s TVs are six feet above the floor now. Hope you’ve been stretching, Samara.
The Wizarding World
Some might say the dumbest ghost in the Harry Potter franchise was Peeves, who was so unnecessary he didn’t even make it into the movies, but it was definitely Moaning Myrtle. Her name is literally British for “whiny bitch,” and the only useful thing she ever did was tell Harry how to solve a clue to his next task in the Triwizard Tournament in Goblet of Fire, which she was only in a position to do because she was peeping on him. Also, she could have cleared Hagrid’s name way earlier. Frankly, she deserved to get bullied.
Field of Dreams
No, not Shoeless Joe, who was pretty rad — it’s hard to be played by Ray Liotta and not be, after all. We’re talking about The Voice, who, yes, Joe tells Kevin Costner was himself all along, but that doesn’t make any sense, so let’s take the movie at its word and assume it was some spirit in the sky. First of all, it’s vague as hell. We like our spirit guides a little more direct than “ease his pain.” Assuming that its plan even was to get Costner to build a baseball field at all, that’s a terrible plan, as everyone in his life tells him. He’s in serious danger of losing his home and livelihood for a while there, but the Voice has plausible deniability. Hey, it never said specifically to destroy his farm for baseball.
Fuck off, Field of Dreams ghost. Fuck off all the way back to the high-fructose portal to heaven or whatever.