I Ate John Oliver’s Face

On the June 2nd episode of Last Week Tonight, John Oliver discussed the decline of Red Lobster. He then announced that his show had purchased all of the equipment from a shuttered Red Lobster in Kingston, New York before serving his studio audience some cheddar bay biscuits. 

The following week, Oliver aired a second segment explaining that a note had been found at the Kingston Red Lobster asking for a few pieces of equipment for a local bakery named Deising’s. Having already donated all the equipment, Oliver issued an on-air challenge to Deising’s, saying that Last Week Tonight would buy them brand-new units of the equipment they requested if they promised to make cake bears — i.e., a bear-shaped cupcake — with Oliver’s face on them. 

Owner Eric Deising happily accepted the challenge, and began making John Oliver bears on Monday morning.

Living just about an hour from Kingston and being a regular Last Week Tonight viewer, I decided to venture over to Deising’s to do something I otherwise would get arrested for: Eating John Oliver’s face.

When I arrived there, I immediately ordered a John Oliver Cake Bear, which is an adorable bear-shaped mini-cake with a crude cutout of Oliver’s face on it. Before devouring it, though, I sat down for a quick chat with Deising. 

The first thing I asked him about was whether or not the little John Oliver face was edible. He said it was—it’s merely a piece of rice paper that he’s asked his employees and his children to cut out thousands of times already. He also readily pointed out just how crude the execution was, explaining, “They’re not even pretty. I’m not really proud of them. I don’t know how you make a bear cupcake with a human face on it ”

As I went to eat the cupcake, Deising was sure to advise me, “According to John Oliver, don’t be a monster, eat it from the ass-end first.” 

I followed his/Oliver’s instructions and proceeded to eat a delicious, chocolatey piece of cake starting with the buttocks. I left the face for last, and when I finally put it in my mouth, the texture and taste was that of a regular piece of paper. I did, though, have to chew on it for a bit before it softened up enough for me to choke it down. 

Honestly, the only thing not totally delicious about the John Oliver Cake Bear was John Oliver’s bland, hard-to-chew, tasteless face.

That said, all those servings of Oliver’s bland visage are at least in the service of a good cause. “We decided to pay it forward,” Deising tells me. “Since (Oliver) is going to give me a piece of equipment and give us this nice publicity, we decided to do a fundraiser for The People’s Place, which is a local food pantry.” 

Thus far, Deising has sold nearly 2,000 John Oliver Cake Bears, which should net about $15,000 for The People’s Place. It’s all for a limited time, though, as Deising says the last day people will be able to eat John Oliver’s face will likely be next Wednesday. 

So take a bite out of John Oliver while you still can.