Four Historical Figures Whose Lives Could Have Been Saved by a Trip to CVS
Back in the days of “all of human history until about 100 years ago,” it was ridiculously easy to die. A paper cut was probably going to end with a deadly infection, and epidemics like the plague and tuberculosis wiped out entire cities. One of the awesomest benefits of living in modern times is that, in most cases, we can cure all of those things now with a routine prescription. Unfortunately, these historical figures weren’t so lucky.
George Washington Died of a Sore Throat
The day before Washington’s death in 1799, he went out riding in the rain and snow and came back with what was basically a cold. Modern historians think the most likely diagnosis was bacterial epiglottitis, but it was pretty much a runny nose and sore throat. This would be cured today with standard antibiotics, but his doctors instead attempted to treat him by draining 40 percent of his blood and pouring caustic concoctions down his throat. Yes, it was a real theory of medicine that irritating an irritation would relieve it, kind of like how a negative plus a negative equals a positive except with the human body. This obviously just made his condition even worse, and the Beyonce of his time was cut down by a sore throat.
Mozart Died of Strep
The death of musical prodigy Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart at the strapping age of 35 was particularly nasty, preceded by swelling of his entire body until he could barely move, and like Washington, he probably could have been spared the whole thing by some good old antibiotics. Doctors now believe he probably died of kidney damage caused by strep throat, which, if left untreated, can cause such a horrific decline that your rival will have to fend off accusations of poisoning until he, too, probably succumbs to a boo-boo.
Alexander the Great Died From Malaria
“The Great” is right there in his name, but no matter how many human enemies Alexander fought off, not even he was safe from mosquitos. He probably died of malaria, which is treated today with a cocktail of antiparasitics, or typhoid fever, treated by — you guessed it — antibiotics. He could even get vaccinated to prevent malaria entirely, provided the trad boys didn’t get to him first.
Vladimir Lenin (Might Have) Died From Syphilis
Since he was treated for it more than once, including just two years before he died, it’s been theorized that the seizures that killed Daddy Communism were caused by syphilis. Back in his day, the threat of syphilis was the leading scare tactic for keeping people from mashing their genitals together, but today, it’s so not a big deal that there’s a Lifetime movie about what a not-big deal it is.
RIP, Lenin — you would have loved penicillin.