The Closest and Dumbest Way Each ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ Character Came to Dying
One of these days, the core five psychopaths on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia won’t be able to cheat death for the thousandth time — my money’s on the finale.
Like so many comedies before it, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia features characters that are supernaturally capable of surviving situations that would easily kill most real people. Charlie alone has taken enough knockout blows on the chin without keeling over to warrant significant scientific study, some before he was even born. To the fans’ delight, the Paddy’s Pub crew is composed of abortion survivors, heart-attack havers, wannabe badasses and Golden Gods who don’t seem convinced of their own mortality.
The actors, on the other hand, know very well how dangerous some of the stunts they pull off on set can get, and they’ve come scary close to meeting their own ends multiple times. Case in point: When the gang almost drowned in “The Gang Goes to Hell,” Danny DeVito nearly met a watery grave himself.
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With the exclusion of full-group almost-fatalities like the aforementioned cast drowning, here are the nearest (and dumbest) near-death experiences for Mac, Charlie, Dennis, Dee and Frank, starting with…
Mac Drove Dee’s Car Into A Wall
The irony that Mac could have killed himself while pretending to kill himself was certainly lost on the bar’s resident “badass” when he stumbled out of Dee’s newly wrecked car with blood trickling out of his ears and mouth in “Mac and Charlie Die,” seeing as he was so preoccupied with wedding dress shopping. On top of that, I sincerely doubt that any medical professional would possibly approve his treatment plan for a brain injury. If you asked a doctor whether or not poppers could cure a concussion, they’d probably (and reasonably) assume that you had one yourself.
Unlike Mac, Charlie managed to make his escape before the crash, but, really, he had no way of knowing when the Brains and the Looks would notice that he cut the brake lines of what was essentially a bomb on wheels — god forbid Dennis got onto a highway before realizing what the Wildcard did to Frank’s “spy van,” or the entire crew would have just been flesh-colored pavement stains leading to an interstate inferno. For a janitor who regularly huffs concoctions of cleaning fluids to get high, burns garbage in a poorly-ventilated basement and needed to be warned not to try and swim across the entire Atlantic Ocean, this winner of Charlie’s dumbest brush with death had stiff competition.
Agreeing to hop in a sketchy van with a girl you met in a Jersey Shore emergency room is, somehow, not quite as dumb as many of the other life-threatening decisions that the gang has made during the last 16 seasons, but, in “The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore,” Dennis and his sister come damn close to a sandy conclusion. This botched armed robbery counts only for Dennis’ dumbest near-death moment as opposed to Sweet Dee’s winner because the bird made the rare wise decision to throw sand in the gunman’s face — and, also, she’s suffered so many more horrific injuries than Dennis, such as…
Not to victim-blame, but the double-whammy Dee got in “Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire” was a real “fool me once, shame on you” moment for the resident punching bag of Paddy’s Pub. After the first time Frank set Dee on fire while she was trying to “rescue” a box of “kittens,” you’d think that she would wise up and stop participating in his scheme to make the news. So when Dee climbed down to the bottom of that well after already already getting burned by Frank, she had no one to blame but herself for the lit match he threw in after her.
The structural stability of Frank’s cranium has never been more vital than it was in “Frank Falls Out the Window” when he plummeted multiple stories onto his noggin, and the entire reason he was even in a position for defenestration was because his farts were so noxious that Charlie, who, again, huffs mustard gas for fun, couldn’t stand the stench of his flatulence. Hopefully, when the oldest member of the Paddy’s Pub gang finally meets his end, he leaves a pretty, less-fragrant corpse for the trashman.