Here Are The Jokes Nikki Glaser Didn’t Tell at the Tom Brady Roast

Everyone agrees, says Howard Stern. Nikki Glaser was the unanimous MVP at this weekend’s Tom Brady roast, blasting the quarterback with flamethrowers like “You have seven rings — well, eight now that Giselle gave hers back” and “Your ex-wife’s new boyfriend can kick your ass while eating hers.” But as Glaser revealed on Stern’s SiriusXM show yesterday, she left even more jokes on the cutting room floor. 

First off, Glaser says, the roasters all agreed that topics like Brady’s kids would be (mostly) off-limits. “They didn't ask for that,” Glaser says before throwing them under the bus on a national forum anyway. “So I couldn't say, ‘You know, Tom, hopefully we make out at the afterparty. You can pretend I'm your son.” 

That’s a reference to a minor hubbub a few years back when Brady was filmed kissing his son on the lips. “My dad kissed me on the lips as a kid and throughout my adulthood so I really related to that,” Glaser said. “I never judged it in any way other than I thought it was a cute moment.” 

Glaser brought Stern a list of other jokes that didn’t make her set, mostly cut for time or because she didn’t believe they were as strong. Here are some of the punchlines that didn’t make Glaser’s final set:

• “Thank you all for being here tonight and taking some time away from cheating on your wives. Hey, it’s not their fault. It’s their wives’ fault for aging naturally.”
• “I’d like to say that the proceeds from tonight’s show are going toward CTE research and the NFL’s coordinated effort to cover it up.”
• “People don’t know, but it costs millions to murder those doctors who know the truth.” 
• “These guys really fucking damage their bodies and their brains, all for the sake of men hugging each other in a Buffalo Wild Wings. I hope it was worth it, fellas.”
• “Tom, seriously though, I love your work… you’ve done on your face.”
• “Seriously though, slow down. What’s happening with your cheeks? You look like a Ken doll that was microwaved. You love deflating things. Stop!”

Glaser almost cut another joke after Kevin Hart delivered a similar punchline earlier in the night. Hart’s version: “Tom has been fucking so much, his dick has gotten CTE.” 

The one Glaser had in the teleprompter? “I was doing so much research on Tom. He was on my fantasy team last night and now my clit has CTE. I was going to show you, Tom, but the NFL made me cover it up.” 

That left Glaser in a quandary. Skipping the joke wasn’t an option because the prompter operator wouldn’t know to keep going. And because the show was live, she couldn’t ask a producer to take it out during a commercial break. In the end, she decided to barrel through with the joke as is. “It ended up being fine,” she said. “It would have done better had it not been already done but that’s these roasts, man. There’s only so many topics to talk about and things are going to get redundant.”

Stern was blown away by Glaser’s performance, noting that Hart made sure everyone knew how much she killed. “This is live and that was a standing ovation,” the host noted after Glaser’s set. “Well fucking deserved.”