This Is the Most Dangerous Dance of All Time

Dancing is one of the purest expressions of human joy there is. At least, that’s what people keep telling me. I have yet to experience it. Maybe I’m doing it wrong, or maybe that’s the problem in and of itself. All I know is that if I were to take stock of my life, every time I’ve danced, it’s either been a mental nightmare, or a physical manifestation of an alcohol blackout. Some people seem to like it, however, like all those people in sleeveless hoodies from car commercials.

Sometimes, though, dancing can have more permanent negative outcomes than splitting your pants or bringing an evening of flirting to an abrupt end. Obviously, there are dances that involve some inherent danger, like breakdancing or that kind of swing dancing where a guy keeps throwing his wife. Between the two, breakdancing seems infinitely more worth it. If I had to go to the hospital in a big purple suit, I’d probably ask them for an immediate overdose of the closest medication on hand.

But one mysterious time in history, a dance wiped out roughly 400 people in one fell swoop. This was in the year 1518 in Strasbourg, France. It all started with a single woman, Frau Troffea, who began dancing out of nowhere in the street. At first, she was the only one dancing — for nearly a week. Something that makes me less sympathetic, as anyone with that level of self-confidence needs to be eradicated for everyone else’s peace of mind.

What was strange was that other people began to join her, and they all continued to dance, unabated. Now, dancing is good cardio, one of the other reasons I despise it. The only difference between exercise and physical labor is whether you’re allowed to stop, and for whatever reason, these people didn’t seem to have access to that second option. They danced until their bodies gave out, via whichever vein saw fit to pop first. You’d think that once the first person collapsed, the others might finally take a quick intermission and ask themselves what exactly the fuck they were doing, but no dice. The dancing continued for two months, from July to September, when the people still dancing got sent off, as to keep whatever this shit was to themselves. When the shuffled dust settled, roughly 400 people were dead.

So now, you understand why I will continue to ignore your wedding DJ’s repeated requests to “get out on the dance floor!” It’s out of respect for the hundreds who died in Strasbourg, assuming there was no harm in a quick, impromptu rug-cutting.