If You’re Not in A City That Can See Solar Eclipse, Here’s Kenan Thompson’s Version

Today’s the day and there won’t be another one like it until 2044. The world has been infected with solar eclipse fever, a cosmic happening that only comes around a handful of times during anyone’s short visit on Earth. Unfortunately, we don’t all get an equal view of the phenomenon — the further away you live from the solar oddity’s path, the more you get a diminished version. For some of us, “total eclipse” will only be “Moon takes a nibble out of the Sun.” But don’t despair. If you don’t live on the charmed celestial path, Saturday Night Live’s Kenan Thompson has you covered. 

The Weekend Update bit began with a visit from last week’s New York City earthquake, personified by the terrifying Marcello Hernández. The Earthquake is feeling itself. “I punched the whole city in the face,” he brags, even if it was only “a bunch of teeny tiny punches — like a scary massage. There is nothing on Earth as powerful as me!”

That was Thompson’s hold-my-beer cue. “What is this candy-ass little fool talking about?” he bellowed as the fearsome Solar Eclipse, essentially challenging Hernández to a cage match. “You listen up good, Earthquake! You want to do a little shimmy shake and try to steal my thunder? What you going to do when the Solar Eclipse runs wild on you? Come Monday, all of America will be covered in eternal darkness!” 

Leave it to Colin Jost to throw the cold water of reality on the situation, reminding everyone that “eternal darkness” won’t last more than four minutes.

“Which is going to feel like an eternity,” Solar Eclipse snapped back, “when you're staring at me through a shoe box.”

As Brawls to End Them All go, this one is pretty pathetic. Earthquake brags that its aftershocks will send books falling gently from bookshelves. Solar Eclipse counters that many people have bought bogus glasses on Amazon and soon their eyes will belong to him. Plus, some dogs will likely be confused for a couple of hours. 

Jost tries to calm the scuffle. Why fight? After all, both of them are “disruptive natural events.” And maybe Jost is right, reasons Earthquake. Rather than battling, the two should team up. 

“An earthquake during an eclipse? That would be biblical, brother!” Kenan-as-Eclipse is into it. “The kind of thing that used to make ancient people throw a virgin into a volcano. I like it!”

Will the two quasi-calamities actually join forces today? Probably not. In most areas of the United States, the effects of the eclipse may not even be that noticeable. So instead of venturing outside with your shoebox, you’re probably better off enjoying Thompson’s version. At least staring into Thompson’s face won’t cause permanent retinal damage.