The Grossest Moments in ‘Seinfeld’ History That Weren’t Because of George Costanza
Just because the rest of the Seinfeld cast wasn’t eating eclairs out of the garbage, doesn’t mean they were exactly pristine paragons — they were just being graded on the Costanza curve.
There’s no arguing who the most disgusting main character on Seinfeld is from a hygiene perspective. For all the bad habits and eccentricities of Jerry, Elaine and Kramer, none of them are quite at the “dig an ice cube out of your friend’s drink to wash your hands” or “bring an expensive art book to take a dump” level of nauseating. Hell, the Seinfeld writers had to invent the term “double dip” to describe how George defiled an entire appetizer. When it comes to unsanitary, unseemly and unthinkable acts of depravity, the only Seinfeld character who could hope to match George’s monstrosity is Art Vandelay — who knows how dirty his hands get from importing and exporting?
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Still, not every single gross-out moment in Seinfeld history is due to George’s distinct lack of shame, so here are the most gag-inducing gags that weren’t his fault, starting with…
Kramer Dropping Chewing Gum in the Bagel Dough
“The Strike” is one of those Seinfeld episode titles that really buries the lede on what it's about — this is the Festivus one, and Kramer’s A-story about returning to H&H bagels after spending 12 years “striking” for fair wages is entirely forgettable. What I can’t forget, however, is the revulsion of watching Kramer accidentally knead his bubble gum into the bagel dough and attempt to dig it out of the goop. Thank non-denominational God he got fired.
Jerry Puts Jenna’s Toilet Toothbrush Back on the Counter
To be fair to Jerry, it wasn’t his intention for Jenna to actually use the toothbrush that he knocked into the toiled before he could replace it with a less-defiled instrument. If George was in the same situation, it’s hard to imagine him ever coming clean the way Jerry did, which, of course, destroyed Jerry’s life as he desperately tried to suss out which one of his belongings Jenna dumped in the crapper. Start to finish, “The Pothole” was a neat freak’s nightmare.
Shelly Sucked on Jerry’s Peach Pit
Most of the time, Jerry’s hand-wringing over cleanliness was neurotic nonsense that only served to impede his path to true love. “The Doodle” was not one of those times. While some may excuse his girlfriend Shelly’s bizarre habit of sucking on nuts (not like that) and putting them back on her plate, gargling a peach pit is positively gag-worthy, even when they’re grade-A Mackinaw gold.
Kramer Served His Guests Shower Salad
Kramer’s absolutely unhinged attempt at hosting a dinner party was enough to make any recovering germaphobe relapse — as well as create a couple more in the process. Seriously, you’d think a guy who is obsessed with taking showers would value cleanliness, but in “The Apology,” Kramer defiles the sanctity of salad by mixing one where he bathes. For someone as clumsy as Kramer, however, this is about the least-dark possible outcome of him installing an in-tub garbage disposal.
Jerry’s Body Count
Look, I’m as sex-positive as the next Seinfeld fan, but Jerry had 73 girlfriends (that we know of) in just nine seasons. The odds of his bedroom not being a petri dish for every venereal disease in Manhattan are astronomically low, even if he practiced safe sex with every single one. Which, by the way, is advisable for anyone sleeping with Jerry Seinfeld, fictional or otherwise — a simple condom might just prevent a chlamydia outbreak at your high school.