Adam Sandler Is Not Sexiest Man Alive, But He Still Has Advice for Uglies

Somebody should have given Adam Sandler a clearer heads-up. The comedy king of Netflix and recent Mark Twain Prize recipient took home another honor last night at the People’s Choice Awards. The actual prize, as voted by fans, was the People’s Icon Award but the comic accepted a different honor.

See, Sandler was eating Frosted Flakes and his agent was on speakerphone when he got the news that he’d won — all that crunching must have kept him from hearing correctly. “I thought he said, ‘Congratulations, Adam. You won the People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive.’" Unfortunately, that meant the Sandman prepared an acceptance speech that didn’t fit the actual honor. But what the heck, he’d already written it so …

“Hello, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Adam Sandler. And I am the sexiest man alive. Can I get a ‘hell yeah’?” 

“To the People Magazine’s academy members of hotness and sexual attractiveness, I would like to say thank you for recognizing me as the man who made our entire country the horniest this year and was by far the most talked about person in the bedroom, by couples or throuples during fantasy role play and slappy time. Can I get another ‘hell yeah’?”

Sandler protested that he was trying to be gracious, but a guy can only do so much in the face of waiting for so many years. To the decision-makers at People, Sandler offered three words that kept blaring in his head since he got the news: “About freaking time.” 

After all, “for decades, Adam Sandler has been waiting patiently on the sexy bench with his legs wide open, radiating sensuality, finger-licking desirability, and a slight hint of man bulge, tastefully displayed for his, her or they’s pleasure.”

Now that Sandler was finally accepting the award (that he did not win), he boasted that it would sit proudly on his nightstand where it could bear witness to the “many feats of romantic gymnastics performed gently on my fine as hell wife, Jacquelina.” Those feats include all three of the Sandler sexual specialties, including Regular Style, Weird Noises Style and his forte, the “Sorry About That, Get You Next Time” Style.

After describing the peculiarities of the Sandman body hiding underneath those baggy sweatsuits, the comic vowed to give back to the community by offering counsel to those unfortunate enough to lack sexual swagger. “Here's some advice to the ugly folk out there who would also like to unlock their full beefcake potential,” he said. “Embrace your chubbiness, lean into your goofiness, and just start hanging out with David Spade and Rob Schneider so you can look handsomer and three feet taller than you actually are.”

Schneider has yet to make a public response but did take to Twitter this morning to post Tucker Carlson clips and claim Joe Biden was plotting to take down “the freest country in the world.” You’re right, Adam — anyone would look sexier standing next to that guy.