Matt Rife Tells Six-Year-Old Critic There’s No Santa Claus

Somebody take the keys to Matt Rife’s social media! Just when the controversial comic goes a few days in a row without making headlines for all the wrong reasons, he has to start mixing it up with haters on TikTok again. To the best of my knowledge, however, this is the first time he’s tried to bodyslam a six-year-old.

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For all you elementary school boys and girls out there, don’t say Rife didn’t warn you he was coming. Oh, Mommy and Daddy didn’t let you watch Natural Selection? Then you probably didn’t hear Rife’s threat to all of his online critics, past, present and future: “I have a very quick trigger reaction to feel the need to defend myself if I feel like somebody is coming at me,” flexed Rife. “And I go for the kill every time. So look, you can talk your shit to me online as much as you want, say whatever mean, hurtful things you wanna say to try to hurt my feelings but just know, I’m going to fuck you up verbally, dude.”

So Junior should have known that a world of hurt was coming his way when he corrected a Rife gag about astrology, specifically about the planet Jupiter having a ring. 

“Actually, it’s Saturn that has the rings,” said the kid in the outer space hoodie. (He loves space!) “It has more also and you’re mean to girls.”

Shots fired! What was Rife supposed to do, not defend himself when a punk-ass kid came at him? Heck, the little fella might have a weapon! In a since-deleted response on Instagram, Rife “fucked him up verbally” by ruining the magic of Christmas.

“Jupiter also has ring.(sic) OH!... and Santa isn’t real. Your mom buys you presents with the money she makes on OnlyFans. Good luck.”

Shockingly, the kid’s mommy wasn’t too happy about Rife delivering a roundhouse kick to her son’s childhood illusions. Bunny Hedaya, who doesn’t have an OnlyFans, does have 2.3 million TikTok followers and took exception to the comic’s retaliation. “Matt Rife has decided to start beef with my 6-year-old child online,” she said (without even acknowledging that her kid’s superior knowledge of the cosmos started the whole thing). Her followers continued the attack:

• “I thought Matt Rife couldn’t go any lower,” wrote @ghhostt_.
• “Matt Rife is the definition of ‘can dish it but can’t take it’,” said @diper918.
• “Matt Rife is behaving more like a six year old than an actual six year old,” commented @ananaconda.

I’ll just assume Rife is coming for those reply guys next, right after he spills the beans about the Easter Bunny to a disrespectful pre-K class. Owned!