The Best Clapbacks from Celebrity Roasts
The myth about celebrity roasts is that the “guest of honor” has to sit there and take it all night long. Au contraire, mon frère! In true democratic fashion, the victims of endless comic punches get to jab back before the night is over — and they often deliver more devastating blows than the ones they received. Here are several of the most lethal roastee clapbacks in comedy roast history…
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Pete Davidson
Rob Lowe’s Insult: I do think you’re going to be the next Adam Sandler. And I knew it the minute I saw David Spade blowing you before the show.
Davidson’s Comeback: Rob Lowe. Or as gonorrhea doctors call him, Patient Zero.
Ann Coulter’s Insult: I once thought Pete Davidson was just like Obama, a biracial goofball who ruined a once beloved institution, but it turns out, I was wrong. Pete’s not biracial.
Pete’s Comebacks: Ann Coulter, if you're here, who's scaring the crows away from our crops?
Ann describes herself as a polemicist, but most people call her a c***.
You know, last year we had Martha Stewart, who sells sheets, and now we have Ann Coulter, who cuts eye holes in them.
Charlie Sheen
Amy Schumer’s Insults: You were amazing in Platoon. Your marriage to Denise Richards, it was kind of like her Vietnam because she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie.
Charlie, you get a bad rap, but you’re just like Bruce Willis. You were big in the ’80s and now your old slot’s being filled with Ashton Kutcher.
Sheen’s Comeback: Amy Schumer, great job. You really f***ed me tonight, which I dig, because I’m into anonymous sex and no one’s more anonymous here than Amy Schumer.
Anthony Jeselnik’s Insult: Charlie, you are a monster. Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law & Order: SVU.
Sheen’s Comeback: Anthony Jeselnik, I really liked your slow measured delivery. It’s as if you were trying to savor the moment. Years from now, when you’re locking up at Radio Shack, you’ll look back at tonight and say, “I wish I was funnier.”
Justin Bieber
Natasha Leggero’s Insult: Seems like only yesterday you were discovered on YouTube. Time flies when you’re a piece of shit.
Bieber’s Comeback: Ah, Natasha Leggero. This was my first time seeing you perform. You were really great, even though you didn’t shoot out a single ping-pong ball like Snoop promised.
Shaquille O’Neal’s Insult: I got a question, Justin, what kind of bitch eggs his neighbor’s house? You caused $20,000 in damages. Imagine the damage you would have caused if you threw like a boy.
Bieber’s Comeback: Shaquille O'Neal, thanks for coming, man. I love you, dude. But how in 19 seasons have you only made one three-pointer? I’ve hit more pedestrians with my car.
Seth MacFarlane
Gilbert Gottfried’s Insult: It’s gotta be hard for him to do a roast, especially because The Simpsons haven’t done it yet. If only The Simpsons would wipe its ass in front of Seth MacFarlane, he could learn to do it, too.
MacFarlane’s Comeback: Gilbert Gottfried. Just watching him perform, you can tell he’s really got some extra, what’s the word — chromosomes.
David Hasselhoff’s Insult: I’ve heard rumors that you like to drink, sometimes maybe a little too much. Now be careful, Seth, you don’t want to end up like me. Tall, handsome, rich, and famous all over the world.
MacFarlane’s Comeback: Look at you, you handsome son of a bitch. Take off your hair so I can run my fingers through it.
Snoop Dogg
Ice-T’s Insult: Snoop smokes so much weed that he farted during the commercial, the whole front row got the munchies.
Snoop’s Comeback: You know, Ice-T been in the game so long, they should just call him Ice Age.
Larry King’s Insult: Snoop told me during the break that once he had a DNA test that found he is only 71 percent Black. Is that true? Unless my math is wrong, if you’re 71 percent Black, you’re 29 percent not guilty.
Snoop’s Comeback: Larry, you know how we is. Larry is cool, but backstage, I handed him a joint and he rubbed Ben-Gay into it.
Bruce Willis
Martha Stewart’s Insult: Unlike everyone here tonight, I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce Willis’ music. I play it at all my parties when it’s late and I want everyone to leave immediately.
Willis’ Comeback: Martha’s a real corporate kingpin. She even has her own brand of wine. It’s like her boyfriend. It comes in an old box.
Nikki Glaser’s Insult: A lot of people don’t know that Bruce is a very talented musician because he isn’t. Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is where they make sick kids meet you, so dying doesn’t seem so terrible.
Willis’ Comeback: Nikki Glaser, I am a big fan. You and Vince Vaughn were great in Wedding Crashers.
