‘South Park’: Chef Songs Ranked By How Appropriate They Are for Children
Every fan of South Park has heard the line, “Children, let me sing you a little song,” and proceeded to listen to unnecessarily accurate lyrics about making love to a woman. This, of course, is then followed by a long confused pause, and finally, genuinely sage advice.
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Jerome “Chef” McElroy (Isaac Hayes) was a staple of the famed adult cartoon’s first decade, playing as an ally/advocate for the boys — sort of that cool adult who wasn’t your parent that you could tell things to without getting into trouble. Over numerous adventures, Chef created several songs that provided helpful advice but also shocked the fourth-graders’ ears. (Well, maybe not so much Kenny’s.)
So let’s get warm by the fire and caress this heavenly list of all 22 songs by Chef, ranked from Kidz Bop to parental advisory label...
‘The Morning After’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Appropriate
Description: Beautifully melodic with heartwarming lyrics that aren’t only completely appropriate but offensive to no one. The only caveat being that it’s co-performed by a hellbound blood-sucking succubus, Chef’s girlfriend, Veronica.
‘Pig and Elephant DNA Just Won’t Splice’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Appropriate
Description: Technically a cover to a fictitious Loverboy song, this track is one of the more decent tunes for middle-school children as it teaches kids about biological science and also involves adorable animals that are totally age appropriate.
‘No Substitute’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Appropriate
Description: A traditional love song through and through, this is one of the least offensive ballads in Chef’s repertoire. “No Substitute” could easily be someone’s wedding song, and that’s hands down the only track on this list worthy of that sentiment.
‘Chocolate Salty Balls’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Appropriate
Description: If you remove the insinuation in this song, it’s kid-appropriate and just about a sweet-and-salty treat. Also, in the song’s defense, it doesn’t even contain nuts, which is a hot-button issue facing kids these days. Totally appropriate.
‘Loving the Football’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Appropriate
Description: Though Chef does get a little too comfortable with the inanimate object, his advice on how to handle the football does ring true to the heart of the sport itself.
‘Make Love Even When I’m Dead’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Appropriate
Description: A wonderful parody of Michael Jackson’s infamous “Thriller,” this one ranks in the middle due to its relatively harmless nature and really only has a single inference to sex.
‘Simultaneous’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Appropriate
Description: An absolute banger, this song only gives a wink to the possible multi-cultural foursome that Chef is about to have with a bunch of women on an exotic island.
‘Dodgeball Song’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Appropriate
Description: Sung as a victory chant after South Park beats Denver in dodgeball, this song does playfully boast that Denver got beat so bad that they’ll need “cream for their asses.”
‘Hot Lava’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Appropriate
Description: Reminiscent of artists like Bruno Mars and Pharrell, “Hot Lava,” which absolutely slaps, only references making love a handful of times with some slightly sexual overtones.
‘Stinky Britches’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Appropriate
Description: All things considered, it’s really just about some unknown person’s really smelly underwear.
‘The Menstrual Cycle Song’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Appropriate
Description: Despite its title, “The Menstrual Cycle Song” provides zero detail about menstruation and mostly depicts a hookup gone wrong. All the lyrics are pretty much just “Oh baby,” with the closing line of “How ’bout I call you next week.”
‘What the Hell Child is This?’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Moderately appropriate
Description: This Christmas classic only featured on Mr. Hanky’s album isn’t necessarily inappropriate to the extent of the other songs below, but I’d put it on par with the now-banned “Baby It’s Cold Outside” in terms of bringing the holiday cheer.
‘Love Gravy’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Moderately appropriate
Description: Easily the grossest song title, but it does feature one of the greatest singer/songwriters ever, Sir Elton John (played by Trey Parker). Not terribly offensive as it speaks to the physical act of making love but leaves out the technical details we’ve heard in other originals from Chef.
‘Christmas Lovin’’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Inappropriate
Description: Take all the Christmas icons and tropes and splice them with classic Chef lovemaking lyrics and you have yourself a song that’s both gross and full of Christmas spirit.
‘Love Bug’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Inappropriate
Description: A classic breakup song that’s pretty offensive (for kids) due to lyrics referencing Chef’s “dong” and Mr. Garrison stating, “Never let poontang come between you and your friends.”
‘Oh Kathie Lee’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Inappropriate
Description: A tribute to a well-known celebrity done in the most sexually charged way possible. It starts slow, but in no time, Chef is mentioning covering every inch of the TV icon’s body with his tongue.
‘Sometimes You Kill Your Teacher’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Inappropriate
Description: The shortest of all of Chef’s songs, this one hits the nail on the head in terms of situational context and tone. However, once murder and semen get mentioned, it quickly falls into the inappropriate category.
‘Waitin’ on a Women’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Inappropriate
Description: A painfully accurate description of what it’s like when you’re waiting for a lady to finish in the bathroom before making your move, but also wildly inappropriate to sing to a 10-year-old. Not as detailed as previous songs, but it still won’t help Eric Cartman figure out who his father is.
‘We’re All Special’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Inappropriate
Description: Starts off great by teaching a valuable lesson about treating people equally no matter their background or body type, but it goes south once the full penetration segment begins.
‘I’m Gonna Make Love to You, Woman’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Inappropriate
Description: The first song Chef ever sings in the series, and easily one of the most inappropriate. It slowly (sensually?) describes a fire-lit lovemaking session complete with bodily fluids and pleasure sounds. Not right for 10-year-olds or most of the Midwest, really.
‘I Can’t Wait Until I Grow Up’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Very inappropriate
Description: Though sung by the adorable little kid version of Chef, “I Can’t Wait Until I Grow Up” is horribly graphic and overwhelmingly sexual as it references the little boy’s “toothpick” growing into an “oak tree.” This song is crass to the point where if anyone heard a child singing it, a parent-teacher conference would be imminent.
‘The Prostitute Song’
Appropriate/Inappropriate: Insanely inappropriate
Description: Featuring legendary musician James Taylor, “The Prostitute Song” is the definition of inappropriate for describing, in tremendous detail, the attributes and exact transaction that happens between someone and a sex worker. The kingpin lyric, “A prostitute is like any other woman / They all trade something for sex / And they do it well…” solidifies this track as the most inappropriate song in Chef’s song book.
