The Meanest Whitney Cummings Jokes From Her OnlyFans Roast
You got to admire what Whitney Cummings is trying to get done over at OnlyFans, and no, she’s not charging fans $12 a month to ogle her bare feet. Instead, she’s trying to revive the comedy roast and thanks to a partnership with OFTV (OnlyFans’ safe-ish-for-work video platform), she’s also trying to bring back the no-holds-barred, non-politically correct humor that made roasts popular in the first place. Cummings wants to “put an end to comics complaining that they’re being censored,” she says on her latest special. “I think that just means they’re on the wrong platform.”
Free from the pressures of advertisers, Cummings believes OFTV is the venue to bring back clever comedy cruelty. She kicked it off last month with her Whitney Cummings Presents roast of Bert Kreischer, and this weekend on Mother’s Day, she’s following it up with a roast of herself. Sure, why not? “American Internet personality” Hannah Stocking acts as the MC, promising “tonight’s roast jokes will be a return to the risky roast jokes that people keep saying comedians aren’t allowed to do anymore.”
Okay, we’re game. Cummings assembled an eclectic crew of relatively unknown comics for the evening. Roast veteran Jim Norton is the biggest comedian name, and for some reason, Amanda Knox, the journalist who spent four years in Italian jail on a wrongful murder conviction, shows up as well. The roasters skewer each other harder than they do Cummings, but hey, she’s the producer.
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Here are some of the meanest jabs she took on this weekend’s special. (Spoiler alert: We’re sharing some jokes, folks.)
OFTV
Hannah Stocking, YouTube personality: “The only filter this roast will have is the one on Whitney’s face.”
Jim Norton, comedian: “I don’t want to say Whitney is an annoying asshole, but if John Lennon were alive, he’d marry her.”
Dan Levy, not that one but the comedian/TV writer one: “A lot of people say Whitney is on drugs. She’s not on drugs. I wish she was. Because how do you send a person to rehab for their personality?”
Annie Lederman, comedian and podcast host: “Bob (the Drag Queen)’s crotch reminds me of Whitney’s face. Unnaturally smooth and smells like dick.”
Bob the Drag Queen, comedian and winner of Season Eight of RuPaul’s Drag Race: “Some people age like fine wine. This bitch is aging like Greek yogurt.”
Luis J. Gomez, comedian and cohost of Legion of Skanks podcast: “I just started spending time with Bob Saget and then he died. I was just getting close with Gilbert Gottfried and then he died. So I just want to say, Whitney, we should hang out more.”
Donnell Rawlings, comedian: “I do not want to be at this bitch-ass fucking roast. The only fucking reason I’m here is because I’m the bitch’s only Black friend. I’m BLM for this fucking show.”
Robin Tran, trans comedian: “Whitney gives me this inspirational speech about how she wants to elevate roasting, how she wants to show that you don’t always have to go for the easy joke. And I was like, ‘Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch. A former man is speaking.’”
Amanda Knox, first-time comedian: “Whitney is easily the craziest person I’ve ever met, and I shared a prison cell with a woman who dumped her baby in a garbage can.”
