4 Modern Medical Treatments That Sound Like Fetishes

4 Poop Pills

Clostridioides difficile, aka C. diff, is no joke. You know that Game of Thrones disease that makes you shit yourself to death? It’s basically that. (This is mostly for the readers — for some reason, that was one part of the story HBO chose not to depict.) 

It’s spread the same way as most infections: You somehow ended up eating poop, either through contaminated food, surfaces or some other activity that is your business and your business only. Seriously, just because we found out people mostly get COVID by getting breathed on is no reason to stop obsessively washing our hands.

Weirdly enough, though, the cure is basically the same. One of the most effective treatments is a fecal transplant, which restores a healthy balance of gut bacteria. Yes, that means putting someone else’s poop in your butt. If that weren’t weird enough, recent studies have shown that putting the donor poop inside capsules that can be swallowed is just as effective. This has the advantage of being cheaper, easier and “more ‘pleasant’” than minor ass surgery, but it also feels like the product of some sick scientists who asked one day, “What if we could make them eat it?” 

Other research suggests that poop pills might be the key to bestowing superhuman athletic performance. It’s less sexy than drinking virgin blood, but you do what you’ve gotta do.

3 Vaginal Dilators

Many people who have been prescribed vaginal dilators for vaginismus (involuntary and painful contractions with penetration), dyspareunia (literally “sex pain”) or any number of other gynecological conditions probably thought that their doctor was playing a prank on them. But they’re useful for everything from the effects of radiation treatment for cancer patients to menopause, which can cause your vagina to narrow. As if getting older with a vagina had to be worse.

As you probably picked up from the word “dilator” but maybe hoped you were wrong, the purpose of these tools is to give the vagina a good stretch. Basically, you’re sitting on a progressively larger set of dildos, but instead of any fun reason, it’s specifically to stretch your happy hole to its limits. You know those plugs you use to widen your ear piercings if you’re really into Hoobastank? It’s the same idea. It’s also definitely an entire category of porn. 

That’s not to say that vaginal dilators aren’t effective instruments that can provide overwhelming relief to patients living with real suffering. We’re just saying that if you need some help paying those medical bills, someone is for sure willing to pay to film you.

2 Bee Venom Therapy

Bee venom therapy isn’t exactly approved by the American Medical Association, but people who call themselves health-care providers do administer it to people they call patients, so it is technically a medical treatment. It’s available as topical lotions, oral lozenges or a good ol’ shot in the arm, but if you’re hardcore, you do a My Girl and knock over a beehive. Okay, it’s a little more controlled than that, but the general principle is letting bees sting you until you feel good.

Before you dismiss this as the brainchild of a freaky beekeeper in need of a side hustle, studies have shown that bee venom might be useful for treating autoimmune diseases and allergies. It just happens to sound like a sweet Saturday night for the hugely overlapping communities of S&M enthusiasts and people with crushes on Jerry Seinfeld who watched Bee Movie too many times. 

That said, Gwyneth Paltrow is into it, so maybe take all that with a grain of salt — ideally not directly into a sting (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

1 Vibrating Pills

Anyone who enjoys certain backyard activities knows it’s imperative to, shall we say, drain the pool a little before you invite all your friends in, as all that splashing around tends to cause an overflow. When you see a headline about a vibrating capsule that treats chronic constipation, then, you might have some assumptions about where it goes, but it’s actually much weirder.

The pill, which is more of a device called Vibrant, goes in your mouth, but it doesn’t get to work until it lands in your large intestine, where it stimulates nerves that tell your colon it’s time to take the brown line downtown. If it’s working, it comes right out the other end, and it does seem to work in about 40 percent of patients. It also doesn’t cause diarrhea like most constipation meds. Unfortunately, most people can’t feel it, but none of those in the preliminary studies who did “felt it was being uncomfortable. And none of them stopped taking it because of that.” 

Yeah. We bet they didn’t.