15 Hall of Fame Groaner Jokes from Neil Hamburger
If you were to take all of the greatest old school era one-liner comics like Henny Youngman, Don Rickles, Rodney Dangerfield and Jackie Mason and distill them down to their very essence, Neil Hamburger would be the greasy byproduct that no one knows how to dispose of.
Gregg Turkington’s character is a brand of anti-comedy that embodies everything you shouldn’t do in stand-up. Of course, it’s never gonna be everyone’s cup of tea — in fact, it’s no one’s cup of tea — but that’s the point.
So today, we’re bringing you 15 Neil Hamburger jokes that are so brilliantly bad that we set up a display in the Hall of Fame for them — in the bathroom, by the garbage chute.
On Fred Durst
“What’s the worst thing about Fred Durst’s herpes? His music.”
On Big Macs
“How do you keep flies from landing on your Big Mac? Unwrap it.”
On the Day the Music Died
“Why did Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper all retire from the music industry in 1959? Because their vocal cords were all damaged in an accident.”
On A KISS Reunion
On M&M’s
“Why are M&M’s full of chocolate? Because it would be illegal to fill them full of shit.”
On Dogs
“How do you keep your pet dog from licking his balls? Coat them in Domino’s pizza sauce.”
On the Red Hot Chili Peppers
“How many Red Hot Chili Peppers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, it depends on how recently they shot up.”
On Robert Redford
“Why did Robert Redford stick his dick in a jar of Paul Newman’s spaghetti sauce? Well, the two men have been friends for over 40 years, do you think he’s gonna stick his dick in a competitor’s product?”
On Mötley Crüe
“Why did God give Mötley Crüe such abnormally large penises? So that they’d be better equipped at dealing with the pain of life.”
On Taco Bell
For a significant stretch of time, Hamburger retweeted anyone he could find talking about how Taco Bell made them sick. Here’s a nice interview with him on the subject
On Doctors
“What do you call it when a medical physician turns off the life-support system on an elderly man who has been officially classified as an imbecile? Eric Clapton Unplugged.”
On Teenagers
“Why did two teenage boys spend 15 hours in a holding tank of the chemical toilet? Well, because they wanted to meet Aerosmith.”
On Smash Mouth
“What do you get when you place a penny, one copper cent, into each of the five asses of the five members of Smash Mouth? Nickelback.”
On Arby’s
“Why does Arby’s put so much mayonnaise on their sandwiches? It makes it easier to flush them down the toilet.”
