10 of the Funniest Jokes from This Week 12/3/22
Well, we’ve reached the end of another week… Another weird ass week. Everyone’s trying to get into the Christmas spirit, America is trying to find the right balance of cheering on the U.S. team at the World Cup while trying to pretend we ever cared about soccer and Kanye West looked at all of the smoldering remains of his reputation and said, “Hold my swastika-emblazoned beer stein.”
But now that the week is over, we can kick back, relax and file away the best jokes we’ve found this week in the ol’ time capsule.
Steven Colbert
“A so-called ‘zombie virus’ has been revived after 50,000 years trapped in Siberian permafrost. Hey science, I’ve got something for you to study next: Why the f–k you would do that!”
@DadShammdad
“The funniest possible thing that could happen right now is George Bush Jr. saying Kanye West doesn’t care about black people on national television.”
Matt Oswalt
“Every song is a Christmas song if you’re depressed enough.”
Martin Pilgrim
“My shower gel is £1, but my washing-up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.”
Jimmy Fallon
On the Christmas tree lighting in Rockefeller Center: “I heard that the tree will be topped by a giant star that has three million crystals. I love that New York locks up the deodorant at CVS and then leaves three million crystals in the middle of the street. Meanwhile, I saw that the tree lighting ceremony could actually be affected by heavy rain and wind gusts up to 50 miles per hour. You know earlier when I said I was excited for the tree lighting, I didn’t mean it, but now I am. Yeah, that’s where you want to be during a massive storm — under an 80-foot tree with a 9-foot star and no root system.”
Gianmarco Soresi
“My mom’s been divorced twice, and my dad’s been divorced four times. Once in third grade, the teacher told us to draw a family tree so I turned in a pile of firewood.”
Dan Slott
“Imagine praising Hitler *right* before the Indiana Jones trailer drops.”
Gail Simone
“Okay, an alien invasion force with far superior weapons and technology come to attack Earth and the first place they land is next to a Waffle House in Phoenix, Arizona. How long before the staff takes care of it and resumes service for French Toast Tuesday?”
Trevor Noah
“There are many reasons why China has been so hardcore with its lockdowns. Less than half of the elderly population is vaccinated, the Chinese vaccine isn’t particularly effective and the Communist government has refused to bring in outside vaccines, obviously because they think it will make them look bad. It’s the same reason I was reluctant to bring a dildo into my relationship. No, I don’t mind that you use it, but the fact that you cuddle with it afterwards, that’s what hurts me, Candace!”
Winslow Dumaine
“The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it ‘biohacking’ is so funny to me. Like if men started knitting they would call it ‘hyper threading’ or ‘powertangling’ or some shit.”
