Get Into Investing and Make Friends: Ask Cracked Anything

You asked us a whole mess of messy questions about relationships, gaming, and a few personal ones we’re happy to receive. Now we’re gonna do our best to answer some of them. And yes one of them is clearly a joke question, but we’re going to answer it anyway because the answer is actually pretty interesting. Look for our post on FB and Insta next week and ask us more questions about gaming and relationships! Or what fictional character we’d want to be friends with.

These questions have been transcribed exactly as they were written. See if you can guess which ones were clearly written by someone with frozen thumbs and a faulty auto correct on their phone.

“But why is gaming even a thing?”

Well, we’re glad you asked. The short answer is because Outside Is Boring. The longer answer is that our brains love that sweet, sweet dopamine loop. Even though there’s a wee chance of becoming addicted to video games… we’ll ignore that for now. Most games are structured so that we’re given a task (like fighting a boss) knowing there is a reward at the end (a loot box or treasure). When we get that treasure, it triggers a dopamine release in our brains. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that regulates a whole bunch of things, including feeling pleasure. Interestingly, dopamine pathways become active when we’re anticipating a reward. So even thinking that there is a loot box or new gear item at the end of a quest or boss battle triggers pleasurable feelings. Once our brains know that playing a game triggers dopamine pathways aka feeling good, then we’re in a compulsion loop, so we keep playing.

I know this was a joke question, but neuroscience is fascinating. 

The other answer is that modern video games are the newest human art form. So that's why they're “a thing”. The possibilities for emergent narrative and having audiences participate in an artistic medium in real time is something the industry is only just beginning to get its big brain around. Outside of some scant offerings from immersive theatre, there has never really been an art form that hinges around the audience participating. A game’s story doesn’t move forward unless the player tells it to. The confluence of audience and artist is something totally new in human art and that’s damn exciting. We’re living at the dawn of the most important art form to arise since the advent of books. So don’t feel guilty about playing video games, even though the media will probably keep blaming them for ridiculous things.

“How to make friend by having a convo with a who has nothing to do with u without making it awkward.... basically..got Ppl in clg but i don't really know ..but we recognise each other ..any way to start up convos with them that aren't short”

Wow now this is a doozy of a sentence. To make friends with a Who, get them a present and ask them to sing with you. Those weird faced little Seuss critters love that stuff. But I’m gonna guess that “who” is a typo for “person”. If that’s the case, look for a good opening, like when the person is just standing around and say “Hi, my name is (insert your name here), this is a little awkward but I’m trying to make new friends and didn’t know how to break the ice. I’ve seen you around and you seem cool, so, hi! Do you play any video games?” That’s one way. Any combo of “Hi, name, starter question” will probably work ok.

If just thinking about this gives you social anxiety, then this next fact will make you feel much better! Studies actually suggest that after having a conversation, people like us much more than we think they do. This is called the "liking gap". So don’t worry too much about how you’re being perceived in a conversation, as long as you’re actually listening to the other person and curious about what they have to say, you’ll do just fine.

“What's a good way to get into investing for someone who barely understands how a bank account works?”

Gotta state right off the bat that we are a comedy site, not professional investors. So now that the legal caveat is out of the way, let’s jump into it. While it may be tempting to just sign up for one of those crypto sites and start throwing money around, you want to tread carefully. Especially if you’re looking at some wacky celeb endorse coins. Basically, you should do some research. Talk to an investment professional or call your bank and have them walk you through savings and investment options. Read some articles. Sign up for a vetted, non-scammer course on investing. Read some books. Can’t get rich without putting in some work, unless you were born rich in which case, can I borrow $50,000?

“Which Looney Tunes character would you want as a best friend and why?”

Definitely not Bugs Bunny, he’s a liar and a cheat and always pulling tricks on people. That’s messed up. Elmer Fudd is out here trying to do an honest day's hunting to provide for himself by getting a tasty rabbit, in rabbit season no less, and Bugs is just being mean. Honestly Yosemite Sam seems fun but you know he’s gonna pop off on a waiter or something so that’s a pass. I’m gonna go with Granny aka Emma Webster. She’s a human, she wears a skirt and a shirt. You couldn’t take Porky Pig into a movie theatre without getting the cops called on you. She’s an animal lover, even though keeping birds in cages bums me out. Yeah, I’ll go with Granny. Plus if we’re actually besties, she might leave me her money when she dies. She first appeared in 1937, so she’s gotta die soon? Does Michael Jordan count as a Looney Tune? He should. In which case I choose Michael Jordan.