5 Insane Real Sports They Need to Add to the Olympics
Be honest: How many Olympic events do you actually enjoy watching as sports, versus just rooting for your country? Most of us watch the Olympics just to be a part of it, the same reason lots of non-football fans watch the Super Bowl. There is no reason it needs to be like this; there are plenty of sports out there that could be added to the game to spice them up. And we're talking about real sports here, not the game of flamethrower tag we tried to get them to add last time.
Sepak Takraw
What We Have Now:
Volleyball. Eh, it's OK. It does seem like, in order to get anyone to watch it, they're having to dress the players in suspiciously ass-focused uniforms. Isn't there some way to crank up the excitement on this shit?
The Sport That Would Make Us Watch:
Sepak takraw, aka a flying spin-kick version of volleyball:
That ball is about to kill more sperm than a whole box of condoms.
It's been played in Malaysia for hundreds of years, and its popularity spread throughout Asia when they realized that there was nothing more fun than spinning in the air to kick a tiny ball no bigger than a hacky sack into the opposing team's court. It's the kind of sport they would play in the goddamned Matrix.
Also, to play it you can't technically have a skeleton.
There's also just three people on each team, because you need extra room to go flying across the court to dropkick the ball without accidentally kicking a teammate's head off his shoulders. It's like break dancing in the air, except instead of jumping to the music you've memorized, it's to the speeding ball coming at you at 2,000 MILES AN HOUR (estimated). The point is, it's really, really, really, really hard.
Which might not be the right word to use with all those crotches on the screen.
Malaysia's prime minister tried to make this an Olympic sport a few years ago, but the proposal didn't really go anywhere. Are they afraid of sepak takraw? Good. They should be.
Fierljeppen, aka Canal Jumping
What We Have Now:
The pole vault. We don't deny that it takes an amazing athlete to do it, but how many of you only watch it hoping something terrible happens?
The Sport That Would Make Us Watch:
Fierljeppen, or for us English-speaking folk, canal jumping.
This is how they get to work in the Netherlands.
Fierljeppen basically is this: They have a tall pole planted in a canal, about 26 to 42 feet high, depending on the size of the balls of the contestants that day. The contestants then run up to the pole and climb up it as fast as they can while it tips to the other side, where a sand pit is waiting for them. The contestant has to jump off the pole at the last second and try to get as far as he can, and whoever gets the farthest is the winner. Sounds simple, right? Well, watch for yourself:
The guy jumps more than 65 feet from where he started, while climbing up (and falling off) a 42-foot pole. The best part of the video is how he just stood up and dove right into the canal, probably in an attempt to clean himself before the giant orgy of admiring groupies he was about to be rewarded with arrived.
Did the whole world declare war on testicles without telling us?
They do this annually in the Netherlands, and if you want to try it or see when and where it happens, you can find it all here. Oh, but before you start practicing this and pole-blasting yourself in the groin over and over again, keep this in mind: Right now the prize for being the winner of the national competition is nothing more than the title of Dutch Champion Canal Jumper. No money, no medal. Just a pair of bruised testicles, and probably a free beer from that one bartender who saw you on TV. We think it's high time these guys get to compete for the gold.
Horse Vaulting
What We Have Now:
Gymnastics. We suppose what they're doing is amazing to experts and, say, the parents of kids who are taking gymnastics classes. But to everyone else? It kind of just seems like really strenuous dancing.
The Sport That Would Make Us Watch:
Now dunk that shit!
The only way to make gymnastics amazing again (besides making them do it while piloting battle mechs) is to put the athletes on speeding horses and have them do their routine on top of it. And yes, people actually do this.
If any sport on this list deserves to be in the Olympics, it's this one. Hundreds of horses from 50 countries competed at the World Equestrian Games in 2010, showing that there are quite a lot of people out there dancing around on horses right under our noses.
"Wait, what the hell? The scalper said it was tickets to a Knicks game."
The sport itself has an incredible history, with roots dating back to 1500 B.C. in Scandinavia and ancient Crete, back when people just assumed dying was a part of sports. Julius Caesar had vaulting at the Roman games 2,000 years ago, the knights had it in their training in the Middle Ages and it was even included in the 1920 Olympic Games. You can also join the petition here to try to get it put back in.
Why it was removed? Probably because it was making the other athletes look bad.
Canine Freestyle Dancing
What We Have Now:
Dressage, which is a type of equestrian sport, which is a fancy word for "making our horses do things while wearing foppish clothing."
As you can see, horses are very capable of feeling shame.
The Sport That Would Make Us Watch:
This is one tearaway crotch short of being bestiality.
Haha! Look at that shit! That doesn't do it justice, though -- watch the video below. If you can make it through without ending up with a gigantic smile across your face, then you have become a stranger to joy:
What they do is they teach their dog a series of tricks that they incorporate with music, which we guess is what some would simply call "dancing." It's gaining popularity around the world, to the point where it actually has its own worldwide organization. And it should, it's amazing.
If we can have horses walking around in squares and actually call that an event at the Olympics, then it's damn well time to have dogs that really dance. And that probably isn't too impossible in the future either, as many of the big shots in the organization are trying their damnedest to get this into the Olympics.
And we agree. If this was on your television, how in the hell could you justify not watching it?
Calcio Fiorentino and Botaoshi
What We Have Now:
Rugby, or we will as of the 2016 Games. But to us Yanks, rugby is nothing more than American football without the padding, which means all the tackles are 150 percent softer.
The Sport That Would Make Us Watch:
Either calcio fiorentino ...
"You're going down, bud- mrrph mrrmrrph!"
... or botaoshi:
Also known as "legalized murder."
Let's start with calcio fiorentino, which is what happens when you take away the whistle-blowing and stoppages from American football and add a bit more shirtless violence to rugby.
The name roughly translates to "Florence kick," and, well, that's all you need to know. The game is so simple: 27 people on each team, no referees, no whistles, no lines and no timeouts. It's the no-holds-barred version of football, where you're allowed to kick, punch, wrestle and probably even insult the fat mother of every single player on the opposing team for 50 minutes straight.
You don't mock a man who wears those pants. You bow to him.
Started in the 16th century by noble Italian families who would compete with each other to show off their power and prowess, calcio fiorentino is like the Royal Rumble at Wrestlemania, if you add a ball and take away the kayfabe. Italians still hold their annual calcio fiorentino match in front of a giant church, and the entire event is more like a festival than anything. The teams march around the city in a parade beforehand, cannons are fired when the games start and then shirtless men beat the piss out of each other in a gladiatorlike sand pit.
But as manly and violent as calcio fiorentino is, it pales next to botaoshi, which we are declaring the Greatest Game in the World.
In this game, you have 75 people on each team (yes, 75, that's not a typo). They have two rounds, and in each round, each team is either defending or attacking. The defending team has to protect their pole and make sure that it stays up, because once it starts, the attacking team does everything it can to bring the pole down, and whichever team can bring the pole down faster wins.
That looks perfectly safe and logical in every way.
And this isn't just random chaos. They actually have specific roles, which include the pole support, the barrier, the interference, the scrum disabler and the ninja, who we assume goes around silently slitting the throats of opposing players. They also have guys who stand on the top of the pole to fight off anyone who manages to get past the other 74 people blocking their way. And what happens to these guys? They get pulled off in a giant brawl of 150 people.
You might wonder how the hell Japan ever came up with a game that seems like a roundabout form of economic stimulus for the local emergency rooms. Well, maybe because it didn't actually start out as a sport in the first place, but as a military exercise back in World War II, and they still do it every year to initiate all the new cadets. Why the hell shouldn't they share it with the world?
Find more from XJ here. And, when he finally gets the hang of it, he'd really love it if you followed him on his Twitter.
For more Olympic coverage from Cracked, check out 6 Insane Sports That Could Be in the Next Olympics and 5 Ridiculous Sports You Won't Believe Were Olympic Events.
