26 Sexy Halloween Costumes That Shouldn't Exist
Halloween and geek conventions have one awesome thing in common: They give women an excuse to wear outfits that their own sense of modesty and dignity would otherwise never allow them to leave the house in.
Therefore, the costume industry struggles mightily to come up with a "sexy" version of every single costume ever made. The results cover the spectrum from laughable to terrifying.
Sexy Guitar
Wait, is she supposed to be a guitar? Or just a fan of guitars? A guitar advocate? In any case, the neck of the instrument is jammed through her skull, and it's going to take forever to get that thing back in tune.
Sexy Marionette
We know for a damn well fact that there is at least one porno out there with this theme. We also know for a fact that not a single non-serial killer has masturbated to it.
This can also be said about ...
Sexy Female Michael Jackson
Really stop and think about the target audience for this costume: heterosexual males who have sex fantasies about Michael Jackson.
We're not saying those guys don't exist; we're saying that if you're a sexy young lady who goes home with one of them, next year he's going to be wearing your face as a mask for Halloween.
Sexy Nemo
We hope we're not out of line when we say that imagining yourself boning a fish -- or any character from a Disney/Pixar film, really -- means you're probably due for some counseling.
Then again, this costume is less "Nemo" and more "Prostitute who murdered Nemo and is wearing his skin to entice johns."
Sexy Chinese Takeout
Yes, that is a fortune cookie on her head. And, no, we don't know if she's supposed to be the actual Chinese takeout or if she's supposed to be delivering it. What we do know is that while it's not impossible, it's incredibly difficult to get a boner from racism.
Sexy Big Bird
Nothing says sexy like Big Bird's shrunken, disembodied head casually eating the skull of a delusional 80s pop star who's checking her shoe for dog turds. Honestly, how far down the list of common sex fantasies do you have to go before you find goddamned Big Bird --
-- Wait, what the fuck? There's more than one of these costumes out there? And both of them make it look like Big Bird is eating the woman's cranium? And they both use the same freaking pink platform shoes? This demands further investigation.
Oh, wait. No. It doesn't.
Sexy Darth Vader
Our first thought upon seeing this was, "ASS!" But our second thought was that behind that mask is either a decaying Sith lord on life support or Hayden Christensen.
Though we admit that the Star Wars prequels would be considered the best films of all time if the third ended with Palpatine saying, "Rise, Lord Vader," and out stepped that.
Sexy Sentient House
That is a cat behind that crotch-level door. There has to be a pun there somewhere, but for the life of us, we can't figure out what it might be.
Sexy Barbie Knockoff
We love how they had to stick the box on there so you'd know it's a Barbie (sorry, "Pretty Polly") costume. Otherwise it's just a lady in a one-piece and a bad wig. We hope you weren't planning on eating or drinking anything at your costume party, honey. Or moving your arms. Or breathing too much.
Though if she gets drunk and vomits inside there, you'll wind up with probably the best Halloween party photo of your life.
Sexy Naked Woman
If you're going to have a body suit to make you look naked, you should probably get one that A) has some genitals and B) doesn't have huge wrinkles. Unless you're going as a genital-free humanoid, four months after gastric bypass surgery.
Sexy Pimp
Well, hell, you put that outfit on a woman and it just looks stupid.
Sexy Female Elvis
We even tried to force this one to be sexy by imagining her having sex with Priscilla. Seriously, don't do that.
Sexy Ninja Turtle
This is the laziest costume we've ever seen. Do you see the sad, tiny little turtle shell strapped to her back? The one that in no way corresponds to the shell pattern on her torso? And think about this: The Ninja Turtles didn't wear clothes. Look it up. Which means that her skirt is actually a part of her presumably grotesquely deformed turtle body.
Sexy CSI Tech
Wait, no. This is the laziest costume. It's a damned blue jumpsuit with a "CSI" patch glued to it. And while we don't want to sound like a broken record, who is it that has sex fantasies about the team of people who collect your hair and semen to test for DNA? Once again: serial killers.
We're telling you, half of the sexy costume industry is either run by or intended for that demographic.
Sexy Gothic Woman
Wait, no. This is the laziest one. We like to call it, "Regular Goth Dress While Grabbing Your Own Ass." We can't tell you the number of times we showed up to the Cracked Halloween party to find four other people dressed the same way. It's very hard to drink in this outfit, because when you remove your hands, the costume loses its meaning.
Sexy Hermione Granger
Stay classy, costume industry! Here's a character who is between 11 and 17 years old, depending on which Harry Potter book you're fantasizing about. Though we like how the costume makers offset that by putting it on a 58-year-old model.
Oh, wait. Maybe this costume isn't Hermione -- it's Hermione's mom, putting on her daughter's schoolgirl costume to spice things up in the bedroom, because she knows her husband has incest fantasies. See! Not creepy at all.
And while we're on the subject ...
Sexy Small Child
Just to be clear, if you go to a party, and a woman is dressed in this outfit, do not invite her back to your place. There are police in that van across the street, and they will follow you, shovels at the ready to unearth your terrible, terrible secrets.
We understand there's a thin line between "sexy and innocent" and "pedophile bait," but seriously. Teddy bear. Though we suppose she could just be portraying a very girlish and naive adult. After all, it's not like the costume specifically says, "Sexy eight-year-old" ...
Sexy Cindy Brady
This one does! Yes, that's a Cindy Brady costume. A character who was eight or nine years old when that outfit was in style on The Brady Bunch. Again, if you ever see this costume, look closely, because there's a tiny little FBI camera hidden in the wig.
OK, no more creepy pedophile stuff.
Sexy Pebbles Flintstone
WHAT? GAH! Pebbles is an infant. Nobody in the history of humankind has ever had a fetish that involved Pebbles whose story didn't end with the sound of a gavel banging and the words, "... mercy on your soul."
Sexy Pregnant Raggedy Ann
We considered just writing an entire article about all of the questions raised by this costume, portraying the classic children's toy that is somehow eight months pregnant with ... what? It'd have to be a demonic sentient toy fetus spawned by some kind of unholy voodoo ritual, we suppose. Maybe we'll stretch it out into a book.
Sexy Football-Playing Whore
In case you didn't catch it, it's supposed to be sexy because it says "SEXY" on it. Notice the costume makes far more sense if you take away the little toy football and give her a stripper pole.
Honestly, guys, you really can't grasp how demeaning a costume like this is for a woman, unless you were to, we don't know, see the equivalent on a guy or something.
Sexy Male Nurse
Here we go! One of you guys out there, preferably one in your 40s and weighing in the 250-pound range, put this on and go trick-or-treating. Let's see how long you last before you see the red and blue lights behind you.
Wait, is that Dane Cook? Don't answer that. We're going to keep believing that's Dane Cook.
Sexy Bull
Some commenter is going to point out that those bull horns are just sloppily photoshopped onto what is clearly a photo from a clothing catalog, but you can blame the costume makers for that, not us. If you pan down, you find no hooves or tail, just some nice slacks and dress shoes. The point being, this costume was so stupid they couldn't convince a model to put it on long enough to snap a photo.
Sexy Poseidon
We're not sure how that picture made it in here. That actually is pretty sexy. Also we love how it's not possible to actually walk in it.
Sexy Papa Smurf Knockoff
They couldn't get the license to use the name "Papa Smurf," so they called this one "Blue Daddy." We're not sure which one makes it creepier. Wait, why is there a Smurf in the background getting launched out of a catapult?
Sexy Male Sex Doll
Funny? Yeah, we can see that. But this cockless blow-up sex doll was listed under the "sexy" section, for whoever dreams of fucking the mouth of a dickless Mario.
Also, we will utilize every method available, no matter how immoral or illegal, to never see the back of this costume.
For more terrible costume ideas, check out 20 Costumes That Will Earn You a Halloween Beating and The 35 Most Insane Halloween Costumes from Around the World.
And stop by Linkstorm to see David Wong's Robert Brockway costume (we aren't sure where Brockway has gone to, so we don't know how accurate it is).
And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infograpic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!