The Top 10 Celebrity Sex Videos Nobody Wanted to See
John Cheese returns to the Cracked guest column, and this time he's taking more bullets for us than a bad guy within reach of Bruce Willis during a machine gun battle. First of all, Mr. Cheese is filling in for us on a Saturday while we train for our dark horse bid for the 2008 Olympic Decathlon. Additionally, he's reviewed the ten most revolting celebrity sex tapes ever released, thus saving us the embarrassment of admitting we watched them ourselves.
Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels
I saw this video way back when I first started surfing porn on the internet. That was before DSL or cable, when watching a one-minute video clip meant clicking the download button and then finding some chores to do like painting the house or helping my wife deliver a baby. You can tell it's an old video because Pamela's boobsare only twice as big as the average woman's, having yet to go through the surgery that would make every producer in Hollywood overlook her absolute absence of talent.
The Upside:
At least it involved two people who were once considered attractive by the generally stupid public. I didn't know a single girl back then who didn't want to be boned by Bret Michaels, and though Pamela had probably gone through some surgery at that point, she didn't look nearly as plastic as she would just a few years later. These weren't two washed-up celebrities looking to jump start their careers. These were fresh, rising stars who people actually wanted to see naked.
The Downside:
Besides the fact that both Bret and Pamela appear to be bombed into a near-coma, the "sexual" acts they perform on each other are executed in the very loosest of terms. Throughout the video, Pam looks irritated to still be awake, and I was sure that she would pass out at any second. Meanwhile, Bret appears more interested in seeing his own image on the TV than in the half-baked blonde bobbing on his knob.
At one point, the Poison lead singer gets up to adjust the camera, leaving Anderson to kneel on the bed and grow stupider by the second. As he positions the device, his own device pops into frame like some sort of Japanese anime porn monster come to life, threatening to crush all in its path in a violent display of grotesque kill-fucking.
The next several minutes are an awkward display of two criminally retarded drunks trying to balance themselves as Bret squirms and scoots around the bed to position himself in the frame, all while Pam tries desperately to drag him across the finish line so she can go to sleep and dream about unicorns and not being a whore.
The video wasn't what I'd call "repulsive." Just awkward and boring. It broke the first rule of porn by making me remember that I have real-life responsibilities.
Webcam reaction: "Don't I have some dishes to do?"
Bam Margera
Bam was born in 1979 but makes a living pretending to be 12. Recently, a video hit the internet of him having sex with his then-fiancee, Jenn Rivell, causing thousands of people to react with complete indifference, saying, "Bam Margera has a sex tape? Really? Huh. No, you don't have to show me--I believe you. If it accidentally starts playing on like some popup or something, I'll look at it for a few seconds, but--really? The dude from Jackass? Yeah, I guess I could see that."
The Upside:
Bam showed good sense and respect for his audience by doing two things: 1.) he picked a hot chick, and 2.) He stayed his punk ass in the background, mostly off camera. We can't tell you how much we appreciate that effort, Mr. Margera.
The Downside:
I've seen too many episodes of Jackass and Viva La Bam. All throughout the video, I was expecting one of his friends to burst into the room and waylay him in the balls with a sack full of human feces, and when that didn't happen, I found myself a little disappointed.
And I've never been one to bitch about the quality of home sex videos, but come on. Margera is rich enough to afford more than a bargain bin Logitech webcam to document a reverse cowgirl. He owes his fans that much. The clip would have actually been worth the view if there had been less "proving to your audience that you're not gay" and more "stealing one of the cameras that you use on your show." And the being hit with a sack of shit thing would have probably helped me hate him less.
Webcam reaction: Utter disappointment.
Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton makes a living by being rich, and her fame was acquired through the raw, brutal power of her dad's money. When her sex tape hit the internet, the media went insane, and even reputable news organizations were giving the story top billing over the most dramatic of world news. She currently works as a professional annoyance, growing ever-richer by the second.
The Upside:
At one point, her boyfriend calls her a scumbag and tells her to just suck it. A few seconds later, we get to hear him cry out, "OW, BITCH!" Hearing her being verbally degraded and hearing him in pain was somewhat worth the viewing.
The Downside:
Paris Hilton is one of the least attractive famous people I can think of. On a scale of Gary Busey to Salma Hayek, I put her just below Steve Buscemi.
It was 37 minutes of Rick Salomon desperately trying to get off while Paris laid lifeless, the only sounds coming from her mouth being in the form of whining and complaints. Rick could have easily recreated the entire scene by constructing a crude Paris Hilton out of modeling clay, humping it until his own body was embossed to the torso. It would have at least afforded him and us the illusion of a smarter Paris with more personality.
Webcam reaction: Whoops! My shirt flew off!
Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee
Years after the Pam/Bret video, she tried her luck again with another shitty hair metal musician. This time, it was Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee's dong she was skanking up. Though to be fair, Tommy once had a competition with bassist Nikki Sixx to see who could go the longest without bathing and still have sex with groupies. It lasted two months.
The Upside:
The scenery is beautiful. Having sex there would be like defiling a Bob Ross painting. When you were ready you could even add your own "happy little cloud."
The Downside:
They say the word "baby" roughly 700,000 times. Add in some extra "rad," "sick" and "awesome," from Tommy, and it will make you pull the sound card out of your computer, curse at it for a few hours, and then run it over with a stolen train. These two morons spend the vast majority of the video, talking about how hot the other is, and neither lives up to or deserves the compliments. The only thing they did that deserved complimenting was not hurting each other with Tommy Lee's gigantic bone.
"I get this for the rest of my life, kids. Mom is a lucky camper." -Pamela Anderson, while holding and filming Tommy's half-aroused junk.
Webcam reaction: I ... I don't even ... what? I'm putting my shirt back on.
Tonya Harding
Tonya Harding's plan of repulsing the world into submission didn't end with her famous knee-capping of fellow Olympic figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. She wouldn't be happy until she induced a global simultaneous vomit. And her sex video came close to doing just that.
A lot of sites call this video, "Tonya Harding's Wedding Night" because she is wearing a wedding dress and because who gives a shit if it's the truth? However, the wedding dress is just a costume, and the video was taken after the couple came back from a Halloween party. God, I wish I could have been at that party so I could have announced them as they walked in. "Hey, look everyone, it's Tonya. Oh, God, your costume is incredible. Look, Tonya came dressed as an uninvited, annoying burden! Or is that an unforgivable, universally-hated sociopath?"
The Upside:
Being a figure skater, she was definitely in shape, if somewhat mannish. Ok, so maybe that's not really that much of an upside. We'll just say that at least she's not fat. At least not at that point in her life.
The Downside:
Tonya is drunk. Really drunk. Stupid drunk. You know that one chick you find at every party who gets way too much to drink way too early, and she starts slobbering all over people and giggling a lot? That's how drunk Tonya is in this video.
Her husband looks like an Auto Zone manager. And Tonya's boobs look like they belong on a 70-year-old woman. Other than that, it's just two drunk people having sex.
Webcam reaction: "..."
Gene Simmons
Gene used to be a half-assed bassist in the grossly overrated band, KISS. He made his living wearing glittery clothes and too much makeup. Nowadays, he can be found around high schools, scoping out easy prey and grooming his mountainous gut. What sets his sex tape apart from the rest is that Simmons claims that this isn't him in the video. However, his lawyers have had the sex tape removed from websites by saying that he was filmed by the woman without his knowledge. Also, Gene owns the rights to it. It may be worth noting at this point that Gene Simmons is rock-fuck insane.
The Upside:
The gal in the video has huge boobs.
The Downside:
She's fucking Gene Simmons. Actually, I can't even really say that she's doing that. She's mostly just laying there and letting him put his old, decrepit junk all over her. She barely moves, absolutely refuses to kiss him (she turns her head away from him several times when he tries), and appears to be utilizing every mental distraction she can muster to avoid throwing up. After watching this video, I am absolutely certain that given enough money, this woman would eat a turd.
Webcam reaction: "Just tell me when the bad part's over."
Dustin Diamond
Dustin Diamond became famous by playing the most annoying sitcom character to ever grace a television. No matter how much he wishes it were otherwise--no matter how much his agent pushes for producers to give his acting a chance--no matter how much effort he puts into the attempt to change his public appearance--he will always be Screech from Saved by the Bell, and there isn't a goddamn thing he can do about it.
The Upside:
We don't have to see much of Scr- I mean Dustin. For the most part, he keeps his hideous, not-quite-human face behind the camera while focusing on the two women he's about to nail. That's right, I said two.
The Downside:
He talks nonfuckingstop. Every second of the video is filled with him making some retarded comment or lameass joke, even during the fucking. I'm convinced that this sex tape was specifically designed by Dustin Diamond as a means of revenge against everyone who ever made a joke about him. It's his way of saying, "Yeah, I'm Screech. I've heard all the shit you guys have talked about me all these years. Well you know what? I'm about to fuck two women at the same time. I'm going to film them doing grotesque things to one another. I'm even going to give one of them a Dirty Sanchez. I'm going to do all the filthy shit you only wish you could ... and I'm going to talk 100 percent of the time so you can't even get off to it. Zack Morris can eat my shit."
Webcam reaction: "Back in a few. I have to go wash everything I own."
R. Kelly
Few people know that R. Kelly's fame came from being a successful pop/R&B musician because his incredible musical talent was outshined by his batshit insanity and willingness to urinate on 14-year-old girls on video.
The Upside:
He was arrested and charged with 21 counts of child pornography, which were later reduced to 17 counts of similar charges (after viewing the video, it was determined that no intercourse was actually filmed).
The Downside:
Just this week he was found not guilty on all counts. This came after the defense claimed that not only was the man in the video not R. Kelly, but it was possible that the singer's face was digitally placed onto the head of another man. They also pointed out that Kelly had a mole on his lower back that the man in the video did not. The prosecution brought in a video expert who pointed out the mole while the rest of the courtroom pondered mass suicide over the suggestion that someone would spend retarded amounts of money to frame the man via CGI effects. Eventually, the girl in the video claimed that it wasn't her, and the jury was forced to acquit. I'm sure that being paid off or the thought of admitting, "Yes, that's me who is being peed upon in that video," had nothing to do with her statement.
Webcam reaction: I didn't watch it. It's child porn, you sick fucks.
Chyna & X-Pac
These are two ex-wrestlers who became famous in the WWF (now WWE) for pretending to hurt people. After their careers ended with the "sports entertainment" titan, they decided to hurt people for real by releasing this one-hour fuckfest. The only reason the tape gained any sort of following is because Chyna (Joanie Laurer) used to look like the picture on the left. Then, with a lot of help from plastic surgery and airbrushing, she was transformed into the picture on your right, and landed multiple shoots with Playboy. She looks like neither picture in this video.
Her cock is huge.
The Upside:
Chyna can do things with her bodily orrifices not suggested by her career in the ring.
The Downside:
You don't really want to see Chyna doing those things. She's still pretty mannish, and X-Pac looks like a gay biker, so it kind of just feels like you're watching a gay porno. I used to have this rule about never having sex with a woman who can bench-press more than me, but I ditched the idea when I realized that this prevents me from having sex with almost every woman in existence. So I revamped that rule to never having sex with a woman who could bench-press me and my car. After watching Chyna rub penises with X-Pac, I had nightmares for months about having sex with her and losing my penis to a sudden spasm.
Webcam reaction: BLUUUUGH!
Fred Durst
He's the lead singer/rapper of the nu metal band Limp Bizkit and the world's foremost authority on how to become insanely rich while annoying every last person on the face of the planet. He personally taught Nickelback everything they know. His sex video was taken on his cellphone and later stolen from a hard drive on his computer. It is widely speculated that he released the video himself to jump start publicity for some project nobody gave a crap about.
The Upside:
There is no upside. The chick was kind of hot, but then again, any woman who would fuck Fred Durst is automatically deemed retarded for the rest of her natural life. So that makes it sort of creepy.
The Downside:
Webcam reaction: Mmmuuuuuuuuuhhhhh...
John Cheese and his friends have written a whole library of crap like this at JuvenileComedy.com.