The 5 Least Intimidating Military Uniforms Around the World
When you have a job that occasionally involves shooting people in the face, you might assume that your uniform would convey the dignity and measured discipline of your rank and profession. The following organizations clearly felt otherwise.
The Carabinieri
Y'know what modern wars don't have enough of? Sashes.
The Carabinieri is Italy's national military police, one of four branches of the Italian Armed Forces. However, in their new uniforms specially designed by the runway fashionistas at Valentino, they look more like they're about to decorate a birthday cake than do anything resembling law enforcement. In their defense, they are perfectly suited for parades, events that we hasten to point out call upon exactly none of their training.
The Evzones
The Evzones are members of an elite ceremonial unit of the Greek Army responsible for guarding the Greek president's residence and the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Clad in uniforms consisting of tights, tassels, pompomed clogs, and frilly tutus, they more closely resemble a fever dream of Michael Flatley as a transgender assassin than an esteemed military force. To augment their fabulousness, the Evzones engage in an elaborately choreographed marching routine, because clearly everyone involved has forgotten what it is that guards are supposed to do.
We're pretty sure this move is called "Nazi Howdy Doody."
The India/Pakistan Border Guards
They're just waiting to see which one of them blinks first.
Every day, the guards along the India/Pakistan border engage in a brutal dance fight called the Wagah ceremony to mark the border's daily opening and closing, and they do so while wearing spats and Mohawk hats. This may very well be the most spectacular display of passive aggression in the world -- the routine actually had to be toned down due to knee and foot injuries caused by the violent choreography.
Getting served is a lot more serious when both dance troupes have nuclear weapons.
We are fairly certain that this isn't exactly what Gandhi had in mind, but at least nobody is getting shot.
"We're off to guard the border, this wonderful border of ourrrrrrrs!"
The French Foreign Legion
Legionnaires of the French Foreign Legion are evidently in perpetual competition to see which one of them makes the best Admiral Homeless Lumberjack. However, we admit that the axes and leather aprons are infinitely better than the blue sashes they used to wear for "protection against intestinal disorders" (which we assume were inflicted by the axes).
"We used to carry guns, but the beards ended up being more effective weapons."
The Russian OMON
OMON is essentially a Russian anti-terrorist version of SWAT, occasionally acting as riot police and serving as light infantry. At first glance, their blue hooded camouflage uniforms seem fairly standard, particularly to anyone who owns a pickup truck and/or has a cousin who cooks crystal meth in a trailer in the woods. However, in the Cyrillic alphabet, the letter "N" appears as an "H." As a result, every time a member of the OMON unit stands with his back to a mirror, it has the potential to be the start of an international incident.
"... wait, why is everybody laughing?"
Their motto is "We know no mercy and do not ask for any," which unfortunately does nothing to help the situation.
E. Reid Ross does some other stuff over at RealToyGun.com.
