The 4 Stupidest Reactions to the New 'Star Wars' Trailer
When the first trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens hit the web, the sun was promptly blotted out by an engorged tsunami of nerd tumescence. Most of us observed two things -- A) the trailer is glorious and B) it is glorious for less time than it takes to cook a Hot Pocket.
And C) not nearly enough Zuckuss and Bossk and Sy Snootles and Willrow Hood and ...
In all likelihood, we won't see a second, fuller trailer until May before Avengers: Age of Ultron, in a juxtaposition seemingly designed to induce a stroke in those audience members who know the name of the six-boobed dancer from Return of the Jedi (Yarna d'al' Gargan, GET WITH THE PROGRAM). This also means that, over the next few long months, we will see the emergence of a 1,000-plus-page body of literature nitpicking the first trailer, with its robust 88 seconds and 11 total shots. And hey, people have already gotten started!
The NewThe Millennium Falcon's reveal is so snazzy that we're going to unabashedly toss in this GIF so that everyone spends an extra 30 minutes "reading" this article:
Your lunch break ended 15 minutes ago.
Sure looks like the thing that's in that other thing, right? Not so fast, bantha fodder. Did you notice the placement of the satellite dish? Of course you didn't, but other people are cracking this nut wide open.
"The RECTangle design is totally a nod to how they WRECKED it previously."
Apparently, that one change in shape is enough to conclude that the Falcon got some Corellian body work done in the past 30 years. While we're not debating if that's wrong or right, it's quite a bit to tease out from just a few seconds. (Also, you're still driving a 1984 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera with all its original factory parts, right?) Nonetheless, it's a far more understated assessment than that of this person, who has some stern words for the Millennium Falcon's flight plan in those fleeting eight seconds:
Unhelpful and unnecessary indeed.
Guys, we appreciate the enthusiasm, but let us not forget that this is a film series whose previous exciting dogfights -- when confronted with the cold, unflinching laws of physics -- make absolutely no goddamn sense anyway.
People Are Going Apeshit Over the Colors
The Force Awakens scored early fan cred when it was announced they would use old-school practical effects (like puppets!) and shoot on 35mm and IMAX film. This promise of space grime and verisimilitude certainly doesn't guarantee Episode VII will be watchable. But there's an endearing "Hey, we give a shit!" quality to such news, especially when you consider that the prequels' aesthetic could be summed up as "a bag of Skittles bukkaked all over a game of RollerCoaster Tycoon on Mardi Gras in Dinotopia."
Nonetheless, for some fans, this trailer is evidence that Episode VII will be too teal to be good. In fact, one fan has gone and color-corrected the film ahead of time, kicking off the long line of inevitable Force Awakens fan edits.
Including the racist edits where some assholes try to "color correct" John Boyega (more on that in a little bit).
But wait! Color that movie unruined, because another fan has uncovered that the teal color is exclusive to the interior lights on the stormtrooper ship:
"Oh."
We'd like to use this moment to throw our hat in the ring and speculate that this scene is evidence that the film will focus on an Imperial light-bulb factory on the Outer Rim World of Fluoresco IX.
The Sounds of the Lightsaber Are Telling an Entire Story
Guys, let's talk about this lightsaber for a moment:
Your lunch break now ended 30 minutes ago.
Sweet laser crucifix! Are those exhaust vents? Is that supposed to be a part of a hilt? Why would they need a hilt if the lightsabers don't slide like swords? Wait, DO lightsabers slide like swords? What's with the sound? Is the lightsaber sick? There's a crackle sound in the hum, and the beam isn't that strong -- and while some have speculated that it's some new, shitty saber attempting to imitate a lost time, other's have labeled it the exact opposite: an older, dirtier model. Also, Disney has revealed that we are hearing Luke's lightsaber ... at the very end of the trailer when it doesn't matter. Thanks Disney!
Look, we totally get it -- people are both excited and scared by any newfangled lightsaber. But shit, guys, this is knighthood 101 design ... something that's a clear callback to the original idea of the weapon. Not to mention that movies about laser sword wizards are most likely prioritizing shiny design over function, as illustrated in the following diagram:
*Play for Full Effect*
Oh Yeah, the Hilarious Racism
As you may have noticed, a particularly pernicious slice of Internet geekdom tends to shit itself whenever a familiar fictional character in a world full of phantasmagorical impossibilities gets just a smidge more melanin. So you can imagine the fear in those peoples' hearts when the opening shot began like this ...
... and suddenly did THIS!
Ahhhhhhh! Black guy!
Yep. A few people actually took issue with the notion that one of a few million or so Imperial stormtroopers across a hundred or so galaxies could be black, enough so that CNN took notice. Since the terrible prequels established that stormtroopers were all clones at one point, the Internet got to see "unapologetic racists" and "Episodes I-III canon obsessives" overlap on some Venn diagram of the damned.
*The assholes were first mentioned on the previous page, true believer! Excelsior!
By the unwiped ass of Salacious B. Crumb, this has to be the same peanut gallery who got incensed when Cho Chang was depicted as Asian in the Harry Potter movies. The idea that they would keep rapidly aging clones for 30 years is apparently way more realistic to some people than the Empire having a diverse hiring system sometime down the line. (Hell, before the Extended Universe got tossed out the window, Han Solo was written as an ex-Imperial officer decades ago.) We're not sure what's more depressing, that actor John Boyega had to address this controversy, or that this is what people choose to talk about instead of Exodus' all-white cast of Egyptians.
"Oh, that? Calm down, it's just a movie."
David is on Twitter and your mom.
And while you're here, feel free to check out The Horrifying Hidden Subplot You Missed in Star Wars and 4 Reasons Star Wars Is Better Than Star Trek.
