The 3 Most Excruciating Music Videos of the Summer
A good music video can make a mediocre song tolerable, but a bad music video of an equally bad song creates an aural singularity of fart-stained terribleness. These are the worst we've seen so far this year -- and 2013 is far from over. Consider the following your State of the Union address for "Things That Will Make Two of Your Five Senses Atrophy," or perhaps a sonic Cerberus of "Shittiest Song of Summer 2013." In any case, we're sorry.
Limp Bizkit -- "Ready to Go"
Limp Bizkit is a band you and your older brother used to listen to while playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater back when Bill Clinton was president. Sadly, that ragtag group of nu-metal miscreants didn't survive the transition when the 1990s collided with the 2000s, but now they're back with a brand-new music video that literally features a 40-year-old man taking a shit in a public restroom.
Which is really the perfect representation of Limp Bizkit as a whole.
That's Limp Bizkit frontman/terrible rapper Fred Durst, with mature flecks of wintery gray in his "guest-starring on Breaking Bad" beard, informing us that despite all appearances to the contrary, he is still a legitimate rock star drowning in pussy. He delivers these boasts while pooping (see above) and standing in the middle of a suburban driveway doing his best Brett Favre impression:
To be fair, Favre copied him first.
Lil' Wayne suddenly appears halfway through the song and appeals to a woman pushing a fake baby across the street:
Usually wearing that trench coat near a child would get you 5 to 10.
She answers Weezy's call and transforms into a stripper, all while Fred Durst continues to assure us that he is literally moments from having sex with all of our girlfriends:
They got the model to agree to appear in this by telling her it was for something less embarrassing, like porn.
It is also apparent that at no point in the intervening decade since Limp Bizkit was last relevant has Fred Durst learned how to dance or do anything rhythmic with his body that could be construed as "entertainment":
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I've got a failed comeback for you.
It's five of the longest minutes you are likely to experience today, and it's full of subtlety like this:
This is actually a carefully crafted metaphor for the song's ability to both suck and blow at the same time.
Tay Allyn -- "Mass Text"
Tay Allyn's "Mass Text" is what happens when the Rebecca Black formula of having your parents pay for you to make a song and a music video is attempted by someone who is far, far too old:
Even with dog years, she's still the oldest thing in this frame.
The entire song is about one girl's fury over not receiving a mass text sent out by some guy and takes place mostly within a high school, despite the fact that Tay Allyn is clearly almost 30 years old. The song chronicles both her outrage and her amateur attempts at sleuthing to get to the bottom of the mystery, with lyrics like "I really really really really really need to know / Was it a typo?" and sequences that suggest she might actually have received the text and is just unclear on how to operate her cellphone.
"This never happened when we had land lines. Remember land lines? And the Lindy Hop?"
Bizarrely, the missing text seems to have been a reminder about an upcoming Tay Allyn concert, which would mean that the boy who sent it probably assumed that she, being Tay Allyn, didn't need to be included. In the end, Tay gets her revenge, braying out "The tables have turned / The cellphone's in my hands!" So apparently she isn't going to text him, or something.
We're just going to assume the hair on those dolls is from her previous teenage victims.
Corey Feldman -- "Ascension Millennium"
Ever since 1980s child star Corey Feldman threw a bewilderingly psychotic Christmas party last year, we were hoping for another opportunity to peek inside the Feldmansion. Luckily, Feldman can read minds, and he recently graced the Internet with the music video for his brand-new single "Ascension Millennium," which attempts to condense the wild explosiveness of a day in the life of Corey Feldman down to a mere four minutes. The morning begins with him waking up in bed with a supermodel and rolling over to plant his million-dollar lips on her face, and we are left debating which one of them spent longer on their hair.
And how much Listerine she used after the director yelled "Cut!"
Then, Feldman puts on his finest Michael Jackson Halloween costume and heads downstairs with two lingerie models, where he bumps into Sean Astin hiding inside the body of your estranged Uncle Morris. They take a moment to look at a pirate treasure map while flanked by the statue of David -- because those are two things from that movie they made together 30 years ago that everyone liked! -- and then Feldman dismisses Sean from his presence.
Later on, they're going to go looking for One-Eyed Willy's burned-out meth trailer.
Please note that Feldman is wearing gloves that only cover half of his hands. Not fingerless gloves -- gloves that are literally so tiny, he cannot pull them down past his knuckles. He is soon joined by his backup dancers, but Feldman boldly ignores any semblance of choreography and just does his own shuffle-footed lunatic jig, occasionally grabbing his hat for no reason.
He also tries to spin in place and almost falls down.
Feldman continues on to watch a little television, singing to us in an overproduced vocal tremor that can at best be described as "black magic" while maintaining the facial expression of a man who is struggling not to turn into a werewolf:
His third hardest struggle behind dignity and relevance.
We catch a glimpse of his band wailing away in front of the worst green screen in history:
There is no guitar in this portion of the song, but the guy on the right is committed.
Finally, after completing a full tour of the Feldmansion, Corey goes back to bed with a model who immediately rolls over and pretends to be asleep so she doesn't have to have sex with him:
"Not enough Listerine in the world ..."
We're not going to claim sole responsibility for this music video, but we do feel somewhat complicit. You see, when we ran our earlier article on Feldman, the YouTube views for "Ascension Millennium" (the song alone) were in the double digits, and he vowed to ferociously defend his God-given right to host junior proms with beer spokesmodels. Fast forward a couple of months, and "Ascension Millennium" (the music video) has touched hundreds and hundreds of thousands (in the neurons, which have withered and died). Only J. Robert Oppenheimer knows what we feel right now.
J.F. Sargent has to admit that if he were as famous as Corey Feldman, he'd be doing things just as ridiculous. Follow him (Sargent, not Feldman) on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.
