Ads That Couldn't Possibly Have Sold One Product: Viagra Man
Quick Fixes is a new section of Cracked featuring the articles and videos you love in a much smaller package; the "fun-size" version, if you will. And we hope you will ...
Advertising has to be a difficult job. Day after day, you're under pressure to come up with new and exciting ways to sell the same product that people have already been buying for years. It's a conundrum that forces advertisers to get creative. Sometimes, the results are astounding. But more often than not, we end up with a commercial so confounding that we struggle to understand how a single person could possibly be convinced to make a purchase after watching it.
Take the Viagra Man ads, for example. You've seen them. An old man wanders alone, silently searching for a boner, blues playing in the background. Because erectile dysfunction is a total bummer, no doubt.
But what's really on the mind of the manly Viagra Man? Here are a few things we can surmise from his actions.
He's Suffering from Cyanopsia
Cyanopsia is a possible side effect of taking Viagra. Clearly, our hero has a raging case of it. Take a look at that thermostat gauge. Not only is his coolant level lower than his ability to satisfy his wife, but everything he's looking at is apparently run through the "pensive blue" filter on Instagram.
That probably doesn't exist, but at any rate, if your vision looks like that and you're taking Viagra, see a doctor.
He's Turned on in Odd Ways
When we get to the scene above, you just know there's going to be some hot young Midwestern college girl who's earning extra money over the summer by doing greasy mechanic work at her uncle's shop. Of course, she'll give Viagra Guy a knowing wink, confirming that he's still got that special thing that makes the ladies moist, and he'll run home all hot and bothered to the wife. So predictable. Let's see how it unfolds.
Ah, looks like it's just him and that old dude. Nothing to be turned on about there, unless you're some sort of octogenarian fetishist.
And Apparently He Is
Well, look at that. Something that transpired at that gas station has got our guy in full gear. There's only one clear conclusion here: The Viagra Man is into old dudes. Not like Clooney old, like Lemonparty old. He's turned on by that old man, aroused by thinking about the two of them as young, virile men working in the garage, greasing up drive shafts, working them up and down together with sensually manly hands. Oil and sweat dripping off their toned muscles. Just two guys doing man work.
This is a metaphorical penis.
And now, with his hot engine filled with the liquid it so desired, the Viagra Man is home, a bundle of pent-up sexual frustration, ready to get in the house and make sweet love in his favorite position.
Lights off, eyes closed, doggy-style.
