7 Hilariously Predictable Porn Trends from Across the Globe
We've previously discussed the hilariously revealing trends of online pornography. As luck would have it, porn sites and other tireless Internet sex detectives (or sextectives, for those of you who dig portmanteaus) have been hard at work, crunching numbers to bring us further illuminating wanking trends from around the globe.
Nintendo Players Love Hentai
After months of research, PornHub's noble statisticians have come to the informative conclusion that gamers love porn and will use their consoles to watch and "critique" it.
We're not going to lie, we're surprised (relieved?) at the lack of Pokemon.
It turns out that while all gamers are in love with either their sisters or their mothers, Nintendo players are most likely to watch hentai, which is a Japanese word meaning "cartoon characters have sex with each other." Suddenly, outfitting those tentacle-like Wiimotes with dainty rubber covers and thrashing them violently around the room seems dark and forbidden.
Rich People Spend Less Time Masturbating Than Poor People
The top 10 high-income cities in the U.S. invest significantly less time in watching porn than their less fortunate counterparts, presumably because they're not spending eight hours a day sitting at home and typing feverish one-handed phrases into a "free nudity" search engine.
"To be fair, I like to finish while surfing the Williams-Sonoma site."
However, the U.S. is still number one worldwide in terms of time spent trolling virtual pornography lairs.
U-S-A! U-S-A! High-fiv- wait, no.
It's 2014 and We're All Still Incredibly Nationalistic About Our Porn
Surprisingly, the top search term people around the world enter to locate their optimum boner lullaby isn't a specific sex act or piece of female anatomy, but rather their country of origin:
No, it doesn't say "baguette," but God do we wish it did.
Unless of course you're American, in which case you will assume that every one of your searches will return English-speaking white people (because "ebony" is a separate search term).
They're a kingdom united by masturbating to Lisa Ann.
Felix Baumgartner's Space Jump Increased Porn Traffic Because We Were Bored, Apparently
Back in late 2012, Felix Baumgartner rode up to the edge of space in a giant balloon and then jumped, streaming everything live on the Internet via a camera attached to his helmet. Tens of thousands of viewers watched him do it, but apparently were watching with more than one window open on their browser:
USA 5 percent, World 4 percent. #1 forever.
That's right -- Baumgartner's space jump made us all watch more porn. Why? We were bored. See, Baumgartner's flight up to the stratosphere took several hours, and that was after the flight had already been delayed one or two hours. We had promised ourselves we'd see a man jump from space, but didn't expect it to take five goddamned hours, so we all opened up PornHub to pass the time.
Florida Masturbated the Most During the Polar Vortex
During the peak of the recent polar vortex, PornHub recorded increased activity from all the affected states, as people stayed indoors and furiously whittled their underpants meat to stay warm. But Florida demolished everyone else in terms of "Time On Site" and "Pages Per Visit," clocking in at more than double the state in second place.
Massachusetts: Clearly not American enough.
However, when you look at "Traffic Increase," Florida falls to third behind Maine and Michigan.
Meanwhile, Virginians remain too terrified to masturbate.
So how did Florida dominate both "Pages Per Visit" and "Time On Site" but fall flat on "Traffic Increase"?
Because of the polar vortex's shape:
America's dong is impervious to cold shrinkage.
Every state in the southeast was engulfed entirely by the polar vortex. Except Florida. "Pages Per Visit" and "Time On Site" are both averages on a per-person basis, while "Traffic Increase" is a cumulative value of the overall state. And only the panhandle of Florida was trapped indoors in a hot porn fog, while the rest of the state was still free to go to Disney World or whatever. So, those Floridians stuck inside pummeled their groins harder than ever before, likely out of terrified confusion.
The Entire World Watches the Most Porn on Mondays
Together, as a species, we have all decided that Monday is porn day.
Goddamnit, Japan. Get your shit together.
Which makes total sense. After sleeping in and goofing off on Saturday and Sunday, the first day back to work is the most depressing thing imaginable. So we play "While My Genitals Gently Weep" by George Harrison to cope.
A Specific Gay Porn Search Is Most Common in Places Where Homosexuality Is Illegal
Google search has recently discovered that the countries most likely to search for the phrase "man fucking man" are the countries where homosexuality is illegal.
"It was a typo; we were looking for men ... uh, ducking men! Yeah, that's it!"
Amazingly, making homosexuality illegal doesn't prevent it from existing. Who knew? Also, we're not sure if the greater injustice here is the persecution of an entire group of people or the fact that they rely on Google for their porn.
The third part of XJ's epic science fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first novella can be found here (for free this week), with Part 2 out here. Please leave a review and he'll love you forever. Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.
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