4 Insane Things 'The Jinx' Didn't Reveal About Robert Durst
By now you're probably aware of the arrest of Robert Durst, the millionaire accused of multiple homicides dating back to the 1970s, who until recently was walking around a free man. And even though the American judicial system prides itself on that "presumption of innocence until proven guilty" spiel, Durst seems oddly eager to give the prosecution the option to spend his entire trial blackout drunk and not wearing pants.
*burp*
The above confession comes from the finale of The Jinx, an HBO documentary series about Durst directed by fellow super-rich guy (and Felicity theme song co-writer, seriously!) Andrew Jarecki. And if we're to tease out their relationship, Durst seems to be Mr. Burns, whereas Jarecki falls into the role Mr. Smithers. Why do we say that? Well, Durst has a penchant for the the kind of cartoonish evil of somebody who lives in an impenetrable force field made of dollar bills, whereas the documentarian Jarecki has been noted for his extreme closeness to his subject. Which perhaps explains why the following anecdotes didn't make the cut ...
Durst's Many Ridiculous Fake Companies
Remember Vandelay Industries, George Costanza's go-to fictional employer on Seinfeld? Apparently, fake business names are big with the wife-murdering crowd. According to an author researching Durst, the millionaire maintained a ton of pseudonymous identities and launched several dummy entities -- which wouldn't necessarily be news, except he gave them goofy asshole names like "WoofWoof LLC" and "Woofing LLC." Knowing this is like watching the boogeyman traipse out of your closet and noticing that he's wearing Crocs.
"What about the logos?"
"Eh, just flip the McDonald's one upside down, whatever. I don't give a fuck."
Another one of Durst's fake-o business names was "Igor-Fayette Incorporated," the former name belonging to a succession of very unfortunate dogs Robert owned in the 1980s ...
Durst Was Also a Serial Dog Killer
Unfortunately, it turns out that Mr. Woof Woofington isn't your run-of-the-mill "dog person." According to Durst's brother, right before the disappearance of Robert's wife Kathie, Robert owned a series of Alaskan Malamute dogs -- all of which were named "Igor" and none of which lasted more than six months.
Layout Note: This is normally where we'd put a cute dog pic to make you feel better about a awful thing, but ... well ... shit.
Altogether, seven Igors died under unknown circumstances in the lead-up to the disappearance of Durst's wife -- a fact even more blatantly sinister when you learn that Robert was later recorded saying that he wanted to "Igor" his brother, which could either mean A) kill him or B) send him on a scavenger hunt for fresh brains. (Either interpretation seems plausible at this point.)
He's Also a Serial Pisser
And as if the George Costanza analogy isn't conspicuous enough, probably the strangest detail that The Jinx left out was Robert Durst's continual habit of making the world into his own golden urinal. The first such occasion happened back in the 1990s, when Robert's brother discovered that he was pissing in the wastebaskets at work instead of making that pesky trek to the office bathroom.
Keep in mind that his family owns the fucking company. He could have made them build a private bathroom right in his office.
This unsurprisingly led to Durst being pushed out as the company's successor, what with having the bathroom habits of a mule in a business suit. Furthermore, employees at the Houston UPS Store that held Woofing LLC's mailbox observed Durst pissing outside. Nobody seemed particularly fazed by this. After all, he did own a company called "Woofing."
This saga of indifferent bladder control reached a thrilling conclusion when the somehow still free man was caught taking a casual whiz on the checkout counter of a CVS. That's right -- in 2014, Robert Durst was witnessed walking into his local pharmacy, soaking a candy display and cash register in urine, and quietly walking out like he just got film developed. Again, we have no clue why this didn't end up in The Jinx, but we guess that when you're as loaded as Jarecki, you stop visiting CVSes and misremember them as public latrines.
"Only number one though; you got a deuce, you take that to Walgreens."
He Had the Most Ridiculous Escape Plot Ever
Okay, so this happened after the miniseries aired, but Sweet Christmas, you guys. When Durst was finally apprehended by the FBI, he was found carrying a fake Texas ID, a latex mask, $42,000 in cash, and a loaded revolver. It's basically your textbook "murderer on the lam" care package, save for the hilariously oblivious addition of a map of Cuba later found in his hotel room. Yes, this guy's master escape plan was traveling to a country that's in the midst of diplomatic makeup sex with the United States and which is more than happy to extradite non-political fugitives back to Uncle Sam.
Seriously, at this moment in time, you couldn't pick a worse country to escape to. But of course, after all the silly dog names and public urination, it's hard to think of Durst as anything but the personification of the entire cast of Naked Gun rolled into one human being.
Yes, every character.
To reiterate: The above is just the stuff that didn't make it into The Jinx, a documentary which includes Durst cross-dressing to shoplift random shit and openly conceding in court that he shot his neighbor, cut him into pieces, and threw his body parts into a bay, before using his high-priced lawyers to get off on the grounds of self-defense.
So when you think about it, maybe pissing in a CVS isn't such a crazy thing to do, after history's taught you that you can toss the contents of your money bin at your problems until they're buried by Krugerrands emblazoned with Donald Duck's face. Yes, the moral of the story is that when you have $100 million to your name and near anonymity, you too can treat the entire planet with the same sociopathic disregard as an eight-year-old playing The Sims.
Except his plumb-bob is always yellow, obviously.
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