4 Awesome Scenes You'll Never See in the 'Star Wars' Movies
To prepare the world for the upcoming Star Wars sequels, Lucasfilm recently announced that it would be officially disintegrating the entire Star Wars expanded universe -- that is, every short story, novel, comic, cartoon, and video game created in the Star Wars universe over the past four decades. Considering the expanded universe is a place populated by green humanoid rabbits and talking mountains, you might not consider this a bad thing. However, there are some storylines in the expanded universe that are so impressively insane that we're honestly kind of sad we will never see them in a film.
The One-Armed Snow Monster from The Empire Strikes Back Comes Back for Vengeance
The wampas are those goat-horned demon ice bears on Hoth, one of which attacks Luke Skywalker and gets its arm sliced off for its trouble (although why Luke doesn't just use his impossible laser sword to completely dismember the monster and spend the night in its cave instead of stumbling back out into the blizzard to nearly die of exposure is a mystery that will never be solved).
"If you make it through this, go study with Master Yoda, as you're clearly still a bit of a dipshit."
According to the expanded universe, he really should've stuck around to finish the job, because when Luke returns to Hoth in the novel Darksaber, that motherfucker comes for him like the shark in Jaws: The Revenge:
"He then used his lightsaber to poke at its dick a couple of times. Just to be certain."
That's right -- that wampa harbored an armless vendetta for years against some guy whose face it barely saw, and when Luke finally comes back to that godforsaken ice planet several years after Return of the Jedi, it forgets how to properly avenge itself and gets magicked in half by a white-hot blade of science fiction fantasy. This is after Luke and his companions wade through a mob of other wampas in the abandoned Rebel base from The Empire Strikes Back. So it's like Deep Blue Sea, in space.
Boba Fett and Han Solo Have a Buddy Cop Adventure
Despite looking totally awesome, Boba Fett doesn't do a goddamned thing in the original Star Wars trilogy except die like a stupid idiot by getting knocked into a giant fanged desert anus by a blind man. However, in the expanded universe, Boba Fett badassedly climbs out of the sarlacc pit ...
"And I thought it smelled bad on the outside."
... only to fall back into a totally different one in the Star Wars comic Jawas of Doom. After escaping from that sarlaac pit, Boba Fett buys an inconspicuous new ship and resumes trying to kill Han Solo, despite the fact that the alien slug gangster who put a price on Solo's head in the first place totally got strangled and exploded to death in the third movie.
"Now it's just the principle of the thing."
Finally, in the short story "The Last One Standing," Boba and Han decide to become friends, and later team the hell up in the book Bloodlines, in which Han wears Boba Fett's freaking armor like some hilarious buddy cop film:
This leads directly into at least 75 slashfics.
The bromance culminates with Boba Fett sending Han Solo a fucking present in the novel Sacrifice. We are not alone in thinking this would be the greatest motion picture of all time.
Cloud City Turns into Thunderdome After Lando Leaves
The Cloud City mining facility is the kind of nonsense that could only result from George Lucas getting high during a game of Frisbee golf. Lando just kind of abandons the place at the end of The Empire Strikes Back to go join the rebellion, and according to the expanded universe, the entire facility devolves into a dystopian hamster cage, primarily because he left Beats by Dre Moby in charge:
"Of all those that I would spy on, while masturbating, I'll miss you most of all, sir."
That's background character-turned expanded universe juggernaut Lobot, a human whose brain is directly connected to the Cloud City's computer, and who goes total banana shits crazy the instant Lando leaves him behind.
In the awesomely titled Star Wars comic "Coffin in the Clouds," Lando returns to Cloud City to find a murderous Lobot and a bunch of explosives set by disgruntled workers. Lando is able to rehabilitate Lobot by getting his ass booted off of the city by a treacherous companion:
"My only regret is that I didn't enjoy one more cool, refreshing Colt 45. It worked every time."
Lobot springs into action and grabs the nearest emergency jet pack (which are apparently as common as fire alarms in a floating city) to save his boss/BFF:
*Play for full effect*
They crash land on the planet's surface and end up kicking the shit out of a bunch more disgruntled workers to get the facility back under control, because that's how a strong administrator corrects poor morale.
Jabba the Hutt's Death Triggered Evil Murderer Robots
Perhaps the only villain in the original Star Wars trilogy with a more inglorious death than Boba Fett is Jabba the Hutt, the notorious space racketeer who speaks in fat guy Pig Latin and has a fetish for coked-out women in gold bikinis.
In the expanded universe (specifically, the Star Wars roleplaying game), Jabba's death sparks a whole slew of mob wars and revenge attempts, none more amazing than the robot massacre arranged by Jabba himself using a bunch of Hutt war droids programmed to activate in the event of his death:
"Hey, asshole, maybe if you had us activated while you were alive you could have avoided the whole dying thing. Just sayin'."
Called the Mos Eisley Mourners, these four ancient droids were hidden around Jabba's stomping ground of Mos Eisley and designed to execute a murder program the instant Jabba's slimy, bloated heart ceased to beat. Their orders were terrifyingly simple -- they just started walking in four different directions, killing everything in their way while chanting "We mourn for the exalted Jabba, we cry for the magnificent Jabba, we grieve for the illustrious Jabba" over and over again until reaching specific predetermined targets that Jabba assumed would probably be responsible for his demise. The Mos Eisley Mourners would then space-murder the ever-loving Dooku out of said targets, because Jabba the Hutt's spite is eternal.
We think Jabba's army of unstoppable killbots would've been way more unnerving if they blasted his theme song.
