3 Signs This Naked Fugitive Is from the Future
In films, when you're dealing with conspiracy, time travel, or pod people, there's always that point where the protagonist is going to look batshit crazy when seen out of context. Case in point -- the beginning to every Terminator film, which teaches us that even the survival of mankind will seem silly if there's a bare penis swinging in the room.
But faith will always require us to jump the shark of our own disbelief, which is why we've chosen to share with you all a real-life man from the future. This man:
"Your blur effects. Give them to me."
Recently chased down by Indianapolis PD, the man has clearly already passed the aforementioned qualification of time-travel-induced nudity. That said, just because his dick is out doesn't mean he's Doc Brown. If that were the case, Chatroulette would be like the phone booth at the end of Bill & Ted.
No, we need a few more qualifiers before ruling that this guy is from the future ... and it just so happens that we have some.
He Was Clearly in a Hurry
If we've learned anything from Terminator and Back to the Future, it's that for some reason time traveling seems to put everyone in a big ol' rush. And while running is no stranger to even the most casual streaker, this man was very plainly heading somewhere important.
That is the facial hair of a man with no time to waste.
Like a big shaved White Rabbit, he was first spotted already on the run and refusing to stop. His sprint continued through the Indiana Convention Center and out the other side, where he still refused officers' warnings. After all, he had his mission objectives and he was clearly sticking to them. The only obvious question is whether he was sent back to protect or to destroy.
Or to teach.
Now, knowing that he needed a faster means of travel, our ambiguously motivated character sprinted off into traffic due to what was either bravery or the robot knowledge that cars can't kill him. There are no other options, especially considering what happened next ...
The Guy Was Apparently Super Strong
With a described "crazed look in his eyes," either from human panic or quite possibly the signs of neural network malfunction, our hero (or possibly villain) needed a ride.
... to the gun show.
It was when he attempted to commandeer a truck that police caught up with him, pepper spraying his shit as the vehicle's tires frantically burned rubber. While they did get him out of the car, one officer reported him as having "extra human strength," tipping the scale to evil robot once more. Of course the same officer also described him as "sweating profusely," which we're guessing must have been a form of synthetic man-lubricant used to slip away from an attacker -- which is exactly what he did. After all, pepper spray is like robot candy.
The Endgame Took Place at a Large Corporate Factory
At this point it's clear that no, realistically speaking, this is probably not a robot from the future. Obviously he's just a man who was sent back from the future -- but why?
We're guessing it had to do with his final destination, the Citizens Energy Group plant, which is an obvious front for whatever sinister goings on this guy was here to stop. We know he was here to stop it, because only a dedicated man would risk so much sac damage on the fence hop.
Naked fence jumping is much safer in the winter.
This is where he chose to bring the house down -- a building that is basically the third act of every goddamn Terminator film so far. He broke into the building and immediately attacked another man with a pipe before police finally cornered him. Reluctantly he turned himself in, presumably to be questioned until a big guy with glasses drives a car through the station. If our gut is right about this, it will no doubt be any of the several other naked men discovered in Indianapolis this month.
There's just no other explanation.
