What the Next 11 Marvel Movies Will Be About
Marvel Studios recently announced the release dates for nine upcoming movies and their respective titles, but let's face it: They could name their next film Marvel's Something and us nerds would still line up for two hours to see it. Combined with the already announced Avengers 2 and Ant-Man, that's 11 freaking Marvel movies coming to assault our eyeballs before the next decade begins.
In the past, the House of Ideas has delighted and surprised us with four movies that end with epic sky battles, three villains who tricked the heroes by intentionally getting caught, and more Samuel L. Jackson than science thought possible (plus other weirdly specific things that happen in every movie). Based on that information and my ever-increasing psychic ability, here are my synopses of Marvel's movies up to the year 2019 ... because that's when the Large Hadron Collider kills ev- I've said too much. Ignore that. Let's get started, True Believer!
Earth's mightiest heroes (Iron Man, Thor, Harry Dean Stanton, etc.) must once again band together to answer the ultimate question: How old is Ultron? Also, who is Ultron, again? A Google search performed by the Hulk (he keeps breaking the keyboards, so this takes half the movie) reveals that Ultron is 47 and some type of mouth-breathing robot.
"FOOL MORTAL! FOR A MERE $100 MORE YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN ULTRON 6S!"
The Avengers defeat Ultron, but ... surprise! Ultron was Loki in disguise! Yes, for once Loki is the villain of this Marvel thing! Being defeated was part of his plan, which somehow leads to a sky battle with some aliens over, let's say, New Jersey. The stakes have never been this high for Marvel's heroes, except for all those other times when the stakes were exactly this high. In another unexpected plot twist, Thor removes his shirt and it turns out he's totally ripped -- so much so that Ultron/Loki's circuits overload from all the hotness, and he's not even a real robot.
"Those words are as follows. Ham. Shoe. Elbow. Funky. And corn."
Oh, yeah, there's a post-credits scene with Hawkeye, Black Widow, Quicksilver, and everyone else I've forgotten, eating off the dollar menu at Burger King.
Ant-Man (July 17, 2015)
Paul Rudd plays Ant-Man, the Marvel superhero with the power to shrink to the size of an ant! When the movie starts, Ant-Man is going through devastating depression, on account of what I said in the previous sentence. All the mocking he gets for his powers have turned him into a bitter, insensitive person -- a cold dick, if you will. A cold, tiny dick. His life changes, however, when he meets an Internet commenter who politely informs him that, actually, in the comics Ant-Man also has the power to grow giant.
ANT-MAN: "Really? What else am I known for in the comics?"
COMMENTER: "Uh ..."
"Your ... excellent fashion sense?"
Ant-Man's popularity grows as he discovers his new powers, but then ... betrayal! Turns out that his wife, Janet (Tom Hiddleston), was actually Loki in disguise all along! Everything that has happened so far is part of Loki's master plan. Ant-Man heroically defeats the wicked villain by punching the shit out of her before she can revert to her male form.
Wait, is this Ant-Man or Sling Blade?
Rudd's career never recovers.
Captain America 3: A Gate Too Far (May 6, 2016)
Captain America has fought Nazis, magic Nazis, and infiltrated-the-U.S.-government-for-70-years Nazis. Now the embodiment of the American spirit must face his greatest enemy: femi-Nazis. In this tense political thriller, Captain America stumbles upon a conspiracy to turn video game news sites more feminist. Naturally, he immediately calls all the Avengers and tells them to drop whatever they're doing so they can focus on this very serious issue.
"It's the Social Justice Knights! Quick, punch them before they can empathize with you!"
But the corruption goes even deeper than Cap thought: the government itself, through Rad-Fem party Senator Lorena Kilmister (@LoKi on Twitter), is trying to brainwash gamers into believing that "harassment against women" is a thing that exists. Captain America bravely proves this to be wrong in a 25-minute YouTube video. Ant-Man helps too.
Directed by Anthony and Joe Russo, written by /u/charizard_PUSSYSLAYER98. Co-starring Firefly's Adam Baldwin as Professor Ebola McTurdmouth.
Doctor Strange (Nov. 4, 2016)
A superhero movie like the world has never seen before! Dr. Stephen "Doctor" Strange is a charismatic jerk who probably has lots of sex with women he doesn't remember the names of. Then bad stuff happens to him, but he finds redemption through personal growth and awesome CGI action sequences (mostly the second thing). Starring Benedict Cumberbatch in the roles of a lifetime as Dr. Strange, his quirky Asian manservant Wong, and U.S. President Merkin Muffley.
Allowing him to push his wide variety of facial expressions to the limit.
Dr. Strange uses a combination of magical powers and having a doctorate from the University of Maryland to cure every disease, save every starving child, and end human misery ... but wait, what's this? Oh no! It was all part of Loki's plan to do evil! Loki opens a dimensional portal, which leads to a sky battle with some demons over Chicago (Dr. Strange lives in New York, but we already had a sky battle there). The movie climaxes when Dr. Strange and Loki decide to settle their differences in a freestyle rap battle.
"His gesticulations are stronger than mine! I- I'm losing swagger!"
For stopping Loki's plan, Dr. Strange is accepted into the Avengers as a full-time, part-time, or reserve member, depending on how Cumberbatch's schedule is looking.
Guardians of the Galaxy Meet Alvin and the Chipmunks (May 5, 2017)
Disney and 20th Century Fox accidentally schedule their new Guardians and Chipmunks squeakquels on the same day, so they are legally obligated to co-produce a squeakssover (sorry, I ran out of puns pretty fast ... also, this is how Freddy vs. Jason and Madea's Transformers of the Caribbean happened). This touching tale follows Rocket Raccoon as he attempts to find out more about his origins, eventually discovering that he has three relatives on Earth called Alvin, Simon ... and The-o-dore. And they fucking suck.
Rocket convinces his teammates that, technically, murdering those atrocities counts as "guarding the galaxy." Everyone agrees without so much as one second's worth of argument, so the Guardians launch an invasion of Earth, which leads to a sky battle over Fitchburg, Wisconsin. The last 45 minutes of the movie are just Drax repeatedly kicking Alvin's corpse until every last bit of fecal matter has left his battered digestive system.
Because he's very literal, you see.
At one point, the Guardians and the surviving Chipmunks stop fighting to get high on helium and sing the latest singles by Fergie and Nicki Minaj. The post-credits scene is just a plain-text notice informing us that everything in this movie was part of Loki's plan (at this point, actor Tom Hiddleston has been admitted into a clinic due to extreme exhaustion).
Mostly a series of unconnected scenes showing Thor in various situations that require removing his shirt and moisturizing himself.
Showing his perfect abs and two full sets of pecs.
At the end of Thor 2, the God of Thunder decides to move into his girlfriend's place, by which I mean the real world. This new adventure finds Thor attempting to get his immigration papers in order and eventually finding a job at Medieval Times as a dishwasher. However, he resents the fact that he's making less money than his super-smart girlfriend (Natalie Portman) and can't help feeling like she talks down to him when she tries to explain things like "astrophysics" or "how a toilet works."
Thor's half-brother Loki doesn't appear in this movie because Tom Hiddleston has now fled the clinic and is hiding from Marvel in the Amazonian jungle. Instead, the writers introduce a previously unmentioned third brother, Wakko (played by Rooney Mara).
Pictured left.
DISCLOSURE: I didn't mention Kat Dennings' part in this movie because it would be a conflict of interest, since she leaves her husband for me in 2015 (paradoxically, after reading part of this article).
Black Panther (Nov. 3, 2017)
Marvel's first black superhero finally gets his own movie, starring Chadwick Boseman as Black Panther's faithful sidekick, Whitey W. Whitemore. The Panther himself is played by superstar Ashton Kutcher. Naturally, the fans are outraged by this baffling casting decision. How dare Hollywood piss on a classic character like Whitey by casting a non-Caucasian actor? Message-board posters everywhere agree that the only saving grace of this movie is Kutcher's powerful performance as the African king/superhero.
Pictured: Ashton in his full Black Panther costume.
Despite the criticism, the movie does so well financially that Marvel greenlights a TV spinoff featuring Whitey, Iron Man's friend War Machine, Captain America's friend Falcon, and Thor's friend Heimdall. It's called The Black Panthers. Kat Dennings also reprises her Thor character in that show, but she's awful in it. Just terrible. (We immediately divorce after retroactively reading that "Black Panthers" joke.)
Avengers 2: Age of Ultron 2 (May 4, 2018)
After the success of Avengers 2: Age of Ultron, Marvel fast-tracks a sequel to the sequel, unrelated to the also upcoming Avengers 3. Ultron is released from prison after serving his three-year sentence for trying to enslave the entire human race. However, much has changed in that time. The New Orleans streets that were once his home now seem foreign to him. Ultron's son, once the light of his life, has grown into an unrecognizable adult.
And has developed a severe case of face-hand.
Ultron must ask himself: "WAS IT WORTH IT? WAS MY FOOL DREAM OF WORLD DOMINATION WORTH LOSING A CHUNK OF MY LIFE?" This leads to a sky battle with some conflicting emotions over Ultron's soul. Deep in thought, Ultron looks out at the New Orleans skyline from the window of his office. Then we see the date: Aug. 29, 2005. The camera pans out to reveal Hurricane Katrina approaching. THE END.
Marvel's Ultron animatronic wins an Oscar for its performance in this movie. During the ceremony, it becomes self-aware and murders 37 people.
Nick Fury: Agent of F.U.C.K. (July 6, 2018)
Samuel L. Jackson attempts to get out of his nine-movie contract with Marvel by starring in a porn parody of his own Nick Fury character. In this mission, Fury must "team up" with Black-Penis-Liker Widow and Hawkbrowneye to rescue some Canadian dignitaries being held hostage by an extremist group amid the tumultuous political situation in Southeast Asia. Then they all fuck.
In the post-coitus scene, Nick Fury (David Hasselhoff) makes a special cameo to invite Nick Fury into the Nick Fury Initiative: an idea to bring together a group of remarkable Nick Furys with the mission to protect the Nick Fury.
Other members include Nick Fury, Nicolas Fury, and Nick Furry.
Nick says yes. Then they all fuck.
Aquaman (Nov. 2, 2018)
This announcement is a lie. There is no character named "Aquaman."
Avengers 3: Iron Man 4 (May 3, 2019)
Or, as it says on the poster, Av3ngers: Iron M4n (that's not a gimmick -- in the future, we're so evolved that everyone writes like it's an early 2000s AOL chat room).
Marvel has finally convinced Robert Downey Jr. to appear in one more movie ... but only one more movie, so they merge his two franchises to get all the mileage they can out of him. The post-contract-renegotiations Avengers are Iron Man (Downey Jr., now a trillionaire), Dr. Strange (Cumberbatch), Captain America (Cumberbatch, but with a wig), Ant-Man (Cumberbatch on stilts), and Harry Dean Stanton (Edward James Olmos). Thor appears only in re-edited footage from previous movies, but no one notices because they're too distracted staring at his glistening pecs.
The story revolves around Marvel's greatest villains (that they can afford) banding together to form the Revengers: they are Senator Garry Shandling from Iron Man 2, one of the truck drivers from Thor, and the bad guy from the 1986 Howard the Duck movie. Their leader turns out to be the immortal mastermind behind everything that has happened in every Marvel movie ever ... no, not Loki. Stan Lee.
The clues were there all along!
Lee tells the Avengers that since he created them he can un-create them as well. All seems lost -- until Dr. Strange summons the ghost of Jack Kirby, who has a slight problem with Lee's use of the word "created." Lee and Kirby grow into muscular giants, unleash their adamantium claws, and fly towards each other at super-speed to duke it out in the ultimate sky battle. Millions of innocent people die each time a punch is thrown, but at least they die applauding.
It is later revealed that every single person in the entire movie is Loki in disguise.
Maxwell Yezpitelok has a free robot action comic called ACK, now on its third chapter!
For more from Maxwell, check out 4 Awesome Superhero Movie Sequels That Will Never Happen. And then check out 20 Superhero Movies We Hope They Never Make.
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