What The Hell Is Wrong With Twenty-Somethings?
Because the article was something like 10 pages long, no one in their 20s actually read it. So, in an effort to get the real talk on how twenty-somethings are progressing towards adulthood, I went around town trying to interview them. However it turns out that my research outfit (a stethoscope and tiny shorts with "SCIENCE" written across the ass) prevented me from gaining admittance to any but the least discriminating clubs, where instead of young people offering useful data, I met naught by old men who offered me naught but cocktails. My research seemingly failed, I retired several days later to the office to re-evaluate my approach. Realizing that Cracked's audience was massively stacked with 20- to 30-year-olds, I dug through our database of registered users, and using the detailed private knowledge that we've had access to ever since we installed those Facebook links, I filtered the list to find the least advanced twenty-something I could find, and came up with a 26-year-old man who goes by the username RandyRooney. Wanting to know why Randy was failing to make his way past five key milestones on the road to becoming an adult, I approached him via IM for a brief interview.
Milestone 1: Completing School
Obviously schooling can take up a big chunk of a person's 20s, and in many cases, justifiably so--there's probably a good reason we don't crank out doctors after four months of classroom time and a couple field trips.
But in many cases, young adults aren't using school as a launching pad for their lives, they're using it as a stalling mechanism to delay having to deal with the real world - having convinced themselves that they actually give two butts about Russian Literature.
What a Real Twenty-Something Has To Say:
Cracked: What is your problem?
RandyRooney: Pardon me? I thought you wanted to do an interview?
Cracked: I'm sorry, I should have been clearer. To clarify, have you completed school yet, and if not, why not?
RandyRooney: No. I guess not. I just started my masters in linguistics.
Cracked: Wow. The scientific study of natural languages.
RandyRooney: You copied that right from Wikipedia, didn't you?
Cracked: No. It just always takes me 20 to 30 seconds to remember words. So do you actually like linguisting or what?
RandyRooney: Sure. It's pretty interesting. I've been mainly studying semiotics in Mesoamerican cultures.
Cracked: I've heard there's lots of money in that. The margins are apparently just insane.
RandyRooney: Ha ha. You sound like my dad.
Cracked: YOUNG MAN I AM YOUR COMEDY WEBSITE AND I KNOW HOW THE WORLD WORKS. THERE ARE HORRIBLE MEN IN THIS WORLD AND POLITICIANS WILL DEFILE YOU AND WOMEN WILL CAST STONES AT YOU IF YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WORK WITH MACHINE TOOLS.
RandyRooney: I take it that you're done with school then?
Cracked: That's right. By the time I was 25 I had attended three different "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" seminars, and read most of the first half of his book, concluding my formal education. It was around then that the banks and I decided that a future in obtaining small-business loans wasn't for me. That's when I fell back on comedy writing, my safety career.
Milestone 2: Moving Out Of Parents' Home
What a Real Twenty-Something Has To Say:
Cracked: Seriously though, what is your problem?
RandyRooney: Seriously? Fuck you.
Cracked: OK, I guess that was partially my bad again. What you should have done is read between the lines, where you would have seen the question: "Do you still live with your folks?"
RandyRooney: Yes. I do.
Cracked: Why?
RandyRooney: Oh, OK. Well when I went back to grad school, I thought I'd be able to stay on part time at the bookstore. But they wouldn't give me the shifts I wanted, so I had to quit. It's been hard finding other work. It's pretty rough out there. So I moved back home.
Cracked: I see. And does this make you feel like less of a person? Like some kind of subperson? Like some kind of half-man/half-baby pit-beast who terrifies the villagers, and is always kept indoors?
RandyRooney: No.
Cracked: I see. You should consider it.
RandyRooney: And I assume you've moved out of your folks' place?
Cracked: Of course. Mom and I came to an agreement when I was 28 that I needed my own space and that she needed to move to a different, hidden town. I've been living under my desk at work since then.
RandyRooney: It strikes me that your position is not measurably better than my own.
Cracked: You know what strikes me? Janitors and their vacuum cleaners. Am I right? Ha ha ha!
Milestone 3: Job/Financial Independence
Obviously in the middle of one of the biggest employment slumps in the last century, a lot more people than just twenty-somethings are struggling with their finances. Still, it's fair to say that you're unlikely to ever be called "sir," or have a child admire you if you don't have a job.
What a Real Twenty-Something Has To Say:
Cracked: So you've mentioned that you're out of work. What's your fucking problem, anyway?
RandyRooney: It's hardly ideal, but I can survive off the student loans for a bit.
Cracked: Yeah? That sounds pretty sweet actually. I'm basically financially independent myself, but I do rely quite a bit on food left around the office.
RandyRooney: Pizzas and stuff? Yeah, I had a friend who worked as a software developer. He said there was always tons of food around.
Cracked: Oh man, that sounds off the hook. Yeah, we had pizza once. Well, we got to watch the boss eat pizza once, for his birthday. He says next year that he'll let us watch him eat pizza on our birthdays, so that should be fun.
RandyRooney: That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Cracked: Yesterday I actually had to steal a dry-board eraser and eat it for dinner. Now I feel awful. I'm hoping it's just guilt.
RandyRooney: You're like a worst-thing-ever saying machine.
Milestone 4: Getting Hitched
This is where the list of milestones gets a bit controversial, as thanks to changing social norms, and the fact that women are sometimes just so goddamned difficult, the average first-marriage age has been creeping steadily upwards and upwards for decades. It's reached the point where an enormous percentage of otherwise perfectly normal people manage to exit their 20s without getting married, and indeed, it's debatable whether marriage is even a necessary step on the road to becoming an adult. Consider the many distinguished and successful individuals who have lived their lives without getting married, including popular singer George Michael and billionaire industrialist Bruce Wayne.
What a Real Twenty-Something Has To Say:
Cracked: So, what's your problem? By which I mean, why aren't you married yet?
RandyRooney: Uh, because I broke up with my girlfriend six months ago?
Cracked: Fair enough. Any plans to get married before you're 30?
RandyRooney: What? I don't know. Maybe? I don't think there's a lot of girls really jazzed on the idea of marriage at my age.
Cracked: That's true. Want a pro-tip?
RandyRooney: From you? No.
Cracked: I've had some success cruising the Serious Relationships section of those dating websites. You can find yourself some real clingy types there. A lot of them have these big lists of deal breakers though, like if you smell like dry-erase chemicals or don't own a bed, so, you know, fair warning.
Milestone 5: Forming Baby
What a Real Twenty-Something Has To Say:
Cracked: Where's your babies?
RandyRooney: Holy shit, what do you know?
Cracked: Less and less every day if I read the labels on these dry-erasers correctly.
RandyRooney: OK. No I don't have any kids. I guess I always imagined getting married before I have kids, and I sure haven't met the right girl for that yet.
Cracked: That's interesting. I take it then that your grandparents think you're gay?
RandyRooney: A little bet yes. Do you have kids?
Cracked: Yeah, no. I too have had problems with the "steady" part of the "having a steady girlfriend." And often the "friend" and "having" parts. Never any problem with the "girl" part though.
RandyRooney: So... you have sporadically slept with girls who don't like you?
Cracked: Well, no. But I'd like to. So no babies yet.
RandyRooney: Let's tally this up. You're uneducated, live under your desk at the office of a comedy website...
Cracked: It's also a failed magazine.
RandyRooney: ...where you work for people who hate you, eating poison. Your personal life consists of harassing middle aged women online, hoping they will both hate and screw you.
Cracked: When we put it that way, it sounds like I'm the one who's struggling to grow up.
RandyRooney: Yes it does.
Cracked: That's a bit troubling. Boy, I sure hope this is just another dry-chemical induced fever dream.
RandyRooney: Even if it was a dry-chemical induced fever dream, that would still make you a dry-chemical addicted desk-sleeper.
Cracked: Fuck you, college boy. Man do I hate linguists.
RandyRooney: That's not actually linguistics. It's just basic reasoning.
Cracked: FUCK ALL LINGUISTS.
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