Try To Read Meghan Trainor's Press Release And Not Cringe

Press releases are among the most ghoulishly spurious forms of modern communication, especially when they're supposed to sound the way The Kids are talking. (Because all the young people of today love to read press releases.) Never has this been more evident than the press release issued for singer Meghan Trainor's new EP The Love Train, which reads like it was written by a bunch of algorithms that were only programmed to scream about vodka tampons and butt-chugging.

You owe it to yourself to read the entire thing, because it's a top-to-bottom spectacle of horror. But if you'd like to retain some semblance of sanity, here's a tour of the worst excerpts, beginning with its first sentence:

Valentine's Day is around the corner, and whether you're planning on smashing bae's junk to smithereens or making out with a pint of Phish Food, you need some fresh Valentine's Day bops to get you in the mood for LOVE.

This is both an amuse-bouche of the soulless millennial pandering to come and a great lesson for all aspiring writers out there. Establish your tone early so readers know they should be eyeballing the closest emergency exit.

Unless your phone's been broken for a hot minute, you know that Meghan just got married to the ginger from Spy Kids, and trust when we say, girl is feeling the love. We know you want to hear songs about all the hot newlywed sex Meghan and Daryl Sa-BAE-ra are having (did you see what we did there?).

Now none of us will ever shake the mental image of that nine-year-old redhead from Spy Kids plowing adult Meghan Trainor.

Billboard was wet for "All The Ways," calling it "another fun, danceable track to fall in love with." And would Billboard lie to you, girl?

Valentine's 2019 was a momentous day for the human race. It was the day vapid corporate synergy reached its zenith when a press release suggested that a pop star's new single sexually aroused a music magazine's vagina.

But perhaps the piece de resistance (that's French for 'Wig Snatch') is 'Marry Me' ...

For those who haven't been brushing up on their lingo, "wig snatch" is drag queen terminology for experiencing something so shocking that your wig falls off. The release later describes a song titled "Foolish" by saying, "It slaps so hard you'll be stanning for days." These are not sentences written by a human, but a suicidal computer that was fed nothing but words trending on Urban Dictionary.

It ends with this bone-chilling sentence:

Choo choo betch! The Love Train is leaving the station and you better get on board.

Of course, there's the possibility that this was written terribly on purpose, and my writing about how it's a cringey, embarrassing piece of shit it is playing right into their hands. If so, well, you got me, Meghan Trainor's PR team. I surrender to your wily mind tricks. You've fooled me into writing at length about how bad you are at your jobs. You win, joke's on me. Now ride victoriously into the sunset. Choo choo, betch.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook, and check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's Goop parody BunnyEars.com.

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