The Secret Good President Trump Is Doing For America

I just want to take a moment to give a big, warm, heartfelt thank you to secret hero Donald Trump. Shout-out to you, Donald! Nate Silver's website, FiveThirtyEight, has reported evidence that you have actually managed to stunt right-wing movements around the world just by being so shitty. The truth is startlingly clear now: You are intentionally being the world's worst leader, selflessly sacrificing your own legacy -- and indeed, your own dignity -- in order to stop the progress of the far-right and make the world a better place. And boy are you doing a great job. You are a tragic, misunderstood hero, and while history may paint you as a villain (all according to your ingenious seven-dimensional chess plan), we would like to take a moment to offer an ode to your accomplishments.

Nate Silver explains that there's a solid pattern evident: The warmer a foreign leadership candidate's relationship with Trump, the worse he or she has tended to do in elections. This remarkably consistent trend has seen right-wing parties face embarrassing results in Austria, the Netherlands, France, and the UK. Trump, your act of being an incompetent asshole has truly set the nationalist cause back by decades, a result of your labyrinthian political strategy too complex for most small minds to comprehend. A brilliant political martyr whose sacrifice may be forgotten by history books, but not by us.

Even in Australia, the Liberal prime minister (Australia's Liberal Party is conservative, the toilets flush the other way, it's just a whole Australian thing) was seen in a leaked video comically mimicking Trump in front of fellow politicians and journalists. Trump, your efforts at making yourself appear to be an idiot of legendary proportions are being appreciated all the way down under.

Let's take a look at some of the terrible and idiotic things our revered martyr Trump has done for the good of the world:

Firing The Director Of The FBI For Being Disloyal

Historically, a president would generally avoid firing the FBI director out of respect for the independence of law enforcement -- in other words, it's not a good look. And when that FBI director is leading an investigation into your possible ties with Russia? No man would think he can do this and come out seeming innocent or competent -- that is, unless he's intentionally making himself seem treacherous. This brilliant move has done a great service in making right-wing nationalists look cartoonishly sinister. Wonderful work, Mr. President.

Attacking London's Muslim Mayor Hours After A Terrorist Attack

What a great way to make the right wing seem jaw-droppingly cold-hearted. Really White Fang-ing the empathetic people of the world, you know? Throwing rocks at us out of love, because you know we're better off without an authoritarian world filled with toxic patriotism. Accusing London's first Muslim mayor of being indifferent to terrorism and suggesting a knife attack with minimal casualties somehow validated your pro-gun stance, and also repeating the call for a ban on Muslim immigration? I'm stunned at the artistry demonstrated here. A colder performance than Kathy Bates in Misery. We see what we you're doing, and we love you for it.

Golfing In Mar-a-Lago Constantly

Costing the American taxpayers $10 million on three weekend golfing trips? Like they say, you've got to spend money to make money, and in this case we're spending money to drag the world out of this poverty-stricken, nationalistic cesspit. The average American might not see through your clever ruse, but I know no one truly enjoys golf that much. And no one wants to make such a terrible impression in their first month at a new job! You're one of the world's most successful businessmen, come on. When you're one day impeached, I'll be silently weeping from the crowd, tapping my nose like a co-conspirator in a noir film. I know the sacrifices you made, and I will think of you with bittersweet joy every time I salute that damn flag.

Blurting Out Bits Of Highly Classified Information

For a movement rooted in patriotism and love of country, probably the greatest way to alienate even your own supporters is to share classified intelligence on a whim to a Russian ambassador, making yourself seem either terribly incompetent or actively endangering your citizens. Either way, it's a huge win for those of us who want to see the far right crushed. You're the Batman to our Gotham. We barely deserve you.

Demanding Passage Of A Healthcare Bill That Would Even Hurt His Own Supporters

Throwing your support behind a bill that would throw millions of Americans off their health insurance plans, including people who voted for you? Leaving millions of people to, well, probably die, and directly violating your campaign promises? Not even Hannibal Lecter is that deeply evil. Not sure I agree with literally sacrificing lives for the cause of making the movement look bad, but hey, I trust your magnificent vision of a better world. We're in safe hands. I only wish that more people saw you for what you truly are: a hero saint bravely disguised as a turd.

Lucy Valentine has a Twitter.