How A Dumb Political Comment Unveils A Lifetime Of Arrogance

Is there anything more tragic than waking up one day with the stark realization that you may be a complete and utter turd Sherpa? Yes, and it's waking up in your silken, Nordstrom sleep jumper and having a mimosa over a poached egg, completely oblivious to how much of an unrestrained douchenozzle you are. Let me introduce you to Oklahoma congressdick Markwayne Mullin.

Markwayne, likely soured after years of being saddled with a fuckstump of a name, opted to respond to constituents at a town hall meeting who had pointed out that their taxes pay his salary with this logic bomb: "You say you pay for me to do this. Bullcrap. I pay for myself. I paid enough taxes before I got there and continue to through my company to pay my own salary. This is a service. No one here pays me to go." He apparently has a "real" job and has paid taxes for years, so effectively he pays his own salary as a congressman somehow. Welcome to the fuckstick labyrinth -- find your way out before you too become a cock goblin.

Markwayne, you may not realize why everyone thinks you're a pulsating, prolapsed asshole. I'm confident that you don't know why everyone thinks you're an asshole because if you even had the self-awareness of a sea slug, you may have Googled what "public servant" or "by the people and for the people" mean before you decided to play "Lil' Markwayney the Politics Man" out on the street.

To begin with, even if you were raised by solid gold hyenas in a diamond mine, your job is to represent the unfortunate victims of your bullshit-laden yet tragically successful campaign for office. You went out of your way to be their voice. You chose to be a person who does what the people in your constituency want you to do. That's the fucking job description. If you wanted to jack off all day onto a bust of George Washington, you didn't have to involve the electorate.

You know what they call people in government positions? Representatives. Ever stumbled on that word while reading Modern Asshat Magazine on the shitter? Means you represent people, ain't that something? You and Minnesota congressman Erik Paulsen must have gone to the same school on governing -- no one's seen that dumbshit in public since 2010.

What do people like you even get into government for? We know the bullshit lie answer -- your true grit, real 'Murican website is practically oozing with down-home sentiment and shitheel buzzwords to appeal to the sort of people who list Sam Elliot as a career goal. But that's the bullshit you say to dupe the rubes. What was the real motivation? More money? Power? Self-satisfaction? Fuck, sell some more toilets from the plumbing company you inherited from Daddy and tell the janitor he needs to adhere to a morality clause. Leave the innocent suckers who fell for your cowboy "real man" story alone.

Misplaced priorities aside, who the fuck taught you how to speak in public? A robotic amalgam of Milo Yiannapolous and a portable toilet at an outdoor summer concert? You don't antagonize your customer base, and as a politician, everyone is your customer base. It may be fashionable these days to be elected to public office and then proceed to figuratively fingerbang everyone's moms while you smirk at them, but traditionally you want these people to like, respect, and support you. They're the ones who not only pay your salary but actually give you the job. That's how elections work, you shit smudge. Good luck pulling down another 70 percent of support when you're up for reelection.

No one in American can possibly be naive enough at this point to think that any politician's day is filled with rainbows and cigar penetrations -- most of your time is probably dealing with the people who don't like what you're doing, since the happy ones are quite content to stay home and not say anything. So day to day, you probably only hear negativity, some of it warranted and some of it about as outrageously stupid as your own words. And when that happens, you address their concerns like a professional adult, not like an ogre with a ham fist, cocked and loaded full of its own shit.

Telling people you pay your own salary is the height of superdickdom, you vainglorious fuckwaffle. You didn't pay for shit any more or less than every person in that room did, and they all know it, which is why a bunch of grannies called you out on being the smug little cockhole you are. Then to later cancel another town hall citing "safety concerns" reeks of so much shit that it's stunning you don't have brown stains at the corners of your mouth and loose corn in your collar. If you doubt that, ask the Cherokee Nation Marshals, who say that no one told them of any security concerns and that they had fully secured the venue well in advance of you running off in a panic like a preschooler with a skinned knee.

When you publicly state your job in Congress is a service and you thank God it's not how you make your living when you get paid $174,000 a year doing it, you're basically wiping your ass on every person in that room. You're a fucking joke. If the job is such a burden, then fucking quit, you privileged, self-righteous, contemptible, arrogant fuckquat. And start going by Mark, for fuck's sake.