The 9 Stages of Halloween Appreciation Throughout Life

Ages 1 to 3

Hey, what are you doing? Am I in trouble? Oh, I see, it's a bath. Wait, no, a bath is when you take things off of my skin. This is the opposite of that. What are you putting on me? Is ... is that makeup? I'm confused -- just last week, you yelled at me for doing exactly this thing that you're doing to me right now. Is it some sort of punishment, like when you made Chad smoke that whole pack of cigarettes after you caught him smoking one?

Wait, where are we going? No, no, no, no, no. You've made it abundantly clear that I'm not allowed out after dark. And it is anything but light outside right now. I'm tired. I just want to go to bed, but you don't seem to understand that, so I think I'll start screaming now. That generally works. Here I go. WWWAAAAHHHHH- holy crap, is that candy? At night? Really? Is ... is this a trick? OK, well make sure you get me some more of this. I'm just gonna crash here in the back seat until you're done with whatever it is you're doing.

Ages 4 to 7

Man, I have been begging my mom to let me dress like a robot for virtually my entire life, and now that the opportunity is finally here, can I handle it? Do I have what it takes to handle that kind of power and responsibility? I mean, seriously, this is the one night of the year that I get to dress however I want, and instead of people punching me and calling me names until I cry blood, people give me candy, and it's totally expected that I eat it all. How crazy is that? Whoever came up with this holiday is a genius!

Oh, dude, it's my teacher's house! How cool is that? I've never seen her outside of class before. It's kind of weird and exciting at the same time. I never really looked at her as a normal human before with a life outside of class. But there she is, handing out candy to little kids and smiling and having fun and not teaching any of them math. I have to go trick or tr- oh, man, someone vandalized her yard! Who would do that? I wonder what she did to make them mad? I hope she filed a police report.

That's weird, she doesn't look mad. Man, I would be. If that stuff gets wet, it's going to just stick to everything. And is that soap on her windows? That's not how you wash windows at all! It doesn't even look like they used water. Just sort of rubbed the bar all over it. I'm not even a professional window cleaner, and I know that's not how you do it.

Oh, I know! After this, we should stop by grandma's house so she can see my costume. I know she'll have candy, too, because she always has those little dishes of them on the coffee table. I bet on a holiday like this, she just goes nuts and springs for the good stuff.

Ages 8 to 12

Listen up, guys, we have three hours and 15 minutes to cover a 12-block radius. If you don't count the shitty, poor section of town, we could easily have that covered with time left over to TP the shit out of our teacher's lawn. I'm so sick of that bitch's shit, and this year we're going to reap the sweet fruits of revenge with some good old-fashioned vandalism.

You'll notice that my little brother is here. Mom is making me bring him along, and I've been told that I have to keep a close eye on him. But make no mistake, if he starts slowing us down, we will absolutely ditch him and tell her that he wandered off on his own. If we play the guilt card and tell her that she had no business making kids as young as us watch him, we should get away with it.

Quick rundown of the rules, and then we'll head out. 1) If you hit up a row of houses that are handing out shitty green rock candy, give the rest of us a heads up so we know to skip it. It means we're in old people territory, and we're just wasting precious time. 2) The same goes for popcorn balls, candy corn, fruit or any food that can be made in someone's oven. 3) Under no circumstances are we to stop at any of our grandparents' houses. They'll want to take pictures, and by the time we get out of there, we'll have pulled an hour right out of our assholes, set it on fire and pissed on the smoldering ashes.

Most importantly, we start at the rich section of town right at the beginning of the evening. And where do we end the night? That's right, the same rich section. Enough time should pass for them to forget we were there, and whatever candy they have left, they'll be getting rid of by the handful. Let's break, and remember: If you find a house that's giving out full-sized candy bars, you fucking damn well better let the rest of us know.

Ages 13 to 18

Sooooo ... when is it no longer appropriate for us to beg for candy? Like, hypothetically, if I were to dress up and go out with my friends, and we -- just as a goof, mind you -- just decided to knock on a few doors, and- no? Well, understand that we'd just be doing it ironically, you know, because we totally know that we're too old to be trick-or-treating. I mean, think about it -- wouldn't it be hilarious if we knocked on someone's door, and when they opened it, expecting to see children, they'd find us there instead? We're almost adults, but there we'd be in our little kid costumes, and- no?

Yeah, I guess you're right. It's high time we grew up and found some more adult things to do, like maybe go to one of the 10 million Halloween parties happening around town. No, we totally understand that we're too young to drink, and that the actual adults don't want a bunch of high school kids hanging around them while they're getting drunk and showing each other their genitals ... or whatever it is that adults do.

Maybe we can just ... I dunno. Maybe just stay home and hand out the candy to actual trick-or-treaters. No, it's cool, we'll be fine. I mean, it's not like every other age group in existence is having fun tonight. To be totally honest, I was looking forward to watching that Halloween and Pumpkinhead marathon. Or maybe that Charlie Brown cartoon they play every year. Yeah, I'll be fine -- you guys go out and have fun. Um, Mom, do you think that before you and Dad head out, you could maybe zip up your fucking top about 10 inches or so? Since when did Halloween become "show as much of your tits as you possibly can without going to jail"?

Ages 19 to 28

I have to fuck that chick who's dressed like Minnie Mouse with enormous fake boobs. I have to. And it'll be hilarious, too, because I'm dressed as a woman. Look at the size of the boobs I've created for myself! Man, my friends had no idea what kind of wacky hijinks they were getting into when they asked me to come along. You put me, Halloween and a little booze together, and it's guaranteed to be a crazy night, because I am a wild man! Wooooohoooo! I bet they think I'm crazy. Because I am! What kind of man dresses up as Dolly Parton? Not a sane one, I'll tell you that much right now.

Fuck, this wig is hot. Maybe I should slow down on these drinks. Eh, fuck it, you only live once. Oh shit, a total stranger just walked up and squeezed my fake boobs! That guy is hilarious! I wonder how many people I can get to motorboat them. I'm going to just start walking up to people around the bar and thrusting my boobs out at them. They'll love that.

Oh, man, the big boob Minnie Mouse chick is coming over. I have to f- wait that's a dude! He can't do that! The fake boob thing was my idea! This is bullshit. I'm gonna demand that he change his costume right now. I'm not normally a fighter, but I will fuck him up if he ruins my night. Wait, I don't think he realizes I'm a guy. Oh, man, I have to prank him. I wonder if I could blow him before he realizes I'm a dude.

Oh, God, I'm gonna puke right now. Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom, bathroom!

Ages 29 to 35

Oh my God, look how cute you are! Here, hold still while I draw on your whiskers. You are just the cutest little baby kitty in the whole world, aren't y- no, don't wipe off the paint, sweetie, let Mommy finish. Oh, now don't cry, we're almost done. Aaaaaalllmost done. Just a few more seconds, you're doing a great job. Grandma is just going to eat you up!

Just a feeeewwwww more seconds. You're such a big boy. Who's Mama's big boy? Who's Mama's cute little Halloween kitty? Aaaaallllmost done. Crap, honey, can you hand me that washcloth? I messed up his cheeks; I'll have to start over.

OK, is everyone ready to go? Let's load up, and- no, wait, I need to get a few pictures. It won't take a second. When we're done, make sure I don't forget to put the camera in my purse. Grandma will kill me if we don't get her copies of his first trick-or-treat. Oh, don't think that I don't see your fist clenching over there. Be an ass, why don't you? Why do you have to make a big deal out of absolutely everything? It's his first Halloween, for Christ's sake. You'd better not ruin it for him!

Oh, wait, before we load up in the car, get one shot of me and him together. It'll be like mama kitty and baby kitten! I'm dressed up because I wanted to dress up -- stop judging me!

Ages 36 to 50

There's some pop in the fridge, and the candy is on the table. Don't eat all of it -- that's for the trick-or-treaters. If you want to rent a movie, the password for the parental lock is 1299. They're supposed to be done with trick-or-treating by 9 p.m., so if you want to shut the porch light off after that, that's fine. Your dad and I probably won't be home until after you've gone to bed, so no need to wait up. Regardless, you need to be in bed by midnight; you still have school in the morning.

Honey, am I showing too much cleavage? I feel like I've got too much boob showing. Oh well, I guess Halloween only comes around once a y- oh, God, you're not going as Dolly Parton again this year, are you? Christ. You know it's not funny, right? That there will be ten other guys there, thinking they're just as wacky and crazy, and every last one of them will be wrong?

Ages 51 to 65

Goddammit, I'm disconnecting that doorbell tomorrow. All I want is to sit here and watch some TV. I have to work tomorrow, for Christ's sake. Who invented this dumbass holiday, anyway? Whoever they are, I hope their death was slow and violent. Goddamn kids. When I was a kid, we trick-or-treated for one hour, and even then, only at our relatives' houses. I don't even have kids anymore, and I'm expected to fork out my hard-earned money on candy, regardless? It's bullshit.

Ages 66 to 80

I don't understand. Those first few kids came by, but after that, it's been totally quiet. I can see more kids out there, but they're just not stopping. Is our porch light working? Yeah? Huh. Maybe kids just don't get into trick-or-treating like they used to. When I was a kid, we trick-or-treated from the time the sun went down right up until it was time for school the next morning. Oh well, more popcorn balls for us, I guess.

Oh, by the way, I picked up eight rolls of film for the camera, so when the grandkids stop by, we can get pictures of them. After they leave, why don't you go put on that Minnie Mouse outfit and let me put it in your asshole?

John has a Twitter thing. Whatever that is.

For more Cheese, check out 26 Sexy Halloween Costumes That Shouldn't Exist and 7 Halloween Costumes That Never Look as Cool as You Think.