8 Ridiculous Products for Sale on Amazon (For One Penny)
Decades of bad pop culture and the desperate schemes of mad inventors have left our world with an overstock of stupid shit, and now our world is passing the savings on to you! With search phrases I really, really hope Amazon.com forgets about, I've scoured the darkest corners of its sprawling product database to find eight awful things you can buy for only $0.01, and every single one of them is overpriced.
Dance the Macarena
Dogs*** Breath Bumper Sticker
If I had to pick two words to describe myself, I'd either pick "Cock Tornado" or "Robocop Twice." This bumper sticker seems designed for people with lower self esteem. Dog---- Breath? Maybe this is for vegans who want to share the horrible things their body needs to do in order to dissolve chicory, but don't have time to breathe on everyone.
Maybe it's for serial killers to explain why their car smells like a decaying runaway? Is this just a badly translated label from a Chinese pet euthanizing bag? It makes no sense why someone would drive in a car labelled "Dog---- Breath." And that scares me, because when I can't figure something like this out it always ends up being a sex thing. This sticker is almost certainly a discreet way to tell ladies that you're not picky about looks and your face is a toilet.
I thought the crossed out "shit" is what really makes this bumper sticker special. It felt like a look behind the curtain of the humor(?) writer's process. "Should the bumper say Dog Breath... or Dogshit Breath? Holy fuck, why not kind of both?" Unfortunately, after reading the Product Features, I realized I was giving this bumper sticker author too much credit:
After writing this generation's "How's-My-Driving-Call-1-800-EAT-SHIT," this poor guy had to have an email exchange with the morality department of an auction site trafficking used dildos, retake non-obscene pictures of his product, rewrite its description to sound more victimized, and today... if he sells out his entire stock he's looking to make $0.06 before taxes. I'm starting to think that reality television lied to us-- there doesn't seem to be any money in being a fucking idiot.
You usually see black censored bars over the eyes of the people in a group photo who didn't recently go missing, so be careful if you look around and notice you're the only one not wearing Paparazzi Shades. I wouldn't worry about that happening, though. Novelty items don't usually get marked down from $24.95 to $00.01 when they're a runaway success. These are so worthless that if a malnourished Bangladeshi girl's hair falls into the box while she's manufacturing a pair of Paparazzi Shades, they quadruple in value. So yes, I'm saying that Paparazzi Shades are at least the number one reason Bangladeshi factory children aren't fed. And you thought they were just figuratively the worst things ever.
What color are your balls? Wait, what? This has to be some kind of edgy video game promotion, or maybe a way for a jugglers to tell each other they're rapists. It can't just be a clumsy, context-free reference to ball balls, can it? Let's look at the Product Description...
Misty Mate Pet Misting System
Beer Pounding Alpha Male Stud Pin
DIPPY The Rabbit
The market dropped out for Beanie Baby collectors more quickly than it dropped out for Japanese nuclear engineers. Today, both groups of people are left to deal with thousands of tons of waste, unsure how to get rid of it, and cursing the God that allowed it. It's so tough out there for Beanie Babies that DIPPY the Rabbit had to get a job as a breast implant.
From what I can tell, there's no "used" category when speaking about Beanie Babies. There's only "new" and "collectible." I think in this case, "collectible" means it hasn't been cried on yet. Or maybe it means that the paper heart hanging off its ear has been protected with a plastic case. It seems like that was a good investment since the "collectible" DIPPY is worth 50 cents, an incredible 5000% more than the "new" DIPPY. Out of curiosity, let's take a look at what a 10 pack of heart protectors costs.
Oh, shit. That's bad news for those ladies that invested in these, but I think I might have found an all new Beanie Baby money-making scheme. If you buy carefully packaged Beanie Babies that for decades have been lovingly cared for by lonely women, throw them in the trash and keep the label protectors, you make 20.5 cents per DIPPY. Even if one $0.57 garbage bag can only hold 30 DIPPYs, you're still making 18.6 cents a rabbit. Plus, the look on your garbage man's daughter's face will be priceless in 15 years when she hears the magic bag of treasure her father found at work is worth negative 7210 future bucks and she has to sit on space eggs after school to pay off their family's Beanie debt. "Will the misery of these Babies never end?" she might shout from the cramped space egg roost. And her only reply will be lasers, now and forever.
At the risk of impressing you, ladies, I don't know a lot about Beanie Babies collecting. The only thing I really know is that every time he hears a bean bag rattle, DIPPY's original owner's husband can't stand to look at her goddamn stupid dingbat face. So it's possible that DIPPY was an overly common one and some of the others have skyrocketed in value... let's look.
Oh, man. If you didn't mind filling your home of the fuzzy embodiment of a thousand lost housewife fortunes, you could buy every single Beanie Baby that was ever made for 40 cents. Think about that the next time you eat almost half of a candy bar.
Imagine a man gave you a 1" button with Dave Coulier's picture on it. That means he's going to kill you, right? Probably, but I'm not done. Imagine it's Dave Coulier's serious actor head shot above Uncle Joey's wacky catchphrase, "CUT IT OUT." Imagine this mysterious stranger expects you to keep careful track of the stupid button in a warehouse full of stupid buttons then make it available for Internet shoppers once whatever those are are invented. Imagine they ask you to do this for 17 years. What would seem like a reasonable fee for all that? Zero pennies? No, come on, he insists: one penny.
Oh, cool. They made one with John Stamos' head shot, and someone completely different has also priced it at $0.01. Cosmically speaking, if you're packing and mailing Full House pins for one cent in 2011, you're who the Universe fucks when it's drunk and no one else is picking up the phone. Every time a pigeon doesn't crap on you, it's because it all landed on the lady at the post office weighing an Uncle Jesse pin and telling the clerk she needs to insure it for up to one cent.
$0.03!? You don't even give me a discount if I buy all three!? This is bullshit. When I bought three Urkel pins they threw in a free wallet, two shoes and a dead forklift driver. When you work in a '90s sitcom novelty pin warehouse, that's the only way out.
