The 7 Least Sexy Songs About Sex
Pop quiz, readers! You're smooching hard with a new lover/an old flame/the guy who reads the meter, and you want to heat things up/increase the sizzle/toss more kerosene on the flaming abattoir that is your social life. What kind of song do you play on your stereo system/desktop speakers/gramophone?
A) Something obscure and artsy
Yes, this record existed.
B) Something classy and refined
She looks very talented. I bet she played for the Boston Pops.
C) The Addicts Sing again (Because that title is totally fucking amazing.)
Do note the Addicts-Mobile on the right.
The answer? Trick question! Trick options! Trick everything! You clicked on this article, so you're implicitly communicating to me -- one of Cracked's least helpful lifestyle gurus -- that you need my advice on deep-sixing your chances of ever getting laid. Here are the seven sexiest songs for the discerning individual whose life is one never-ending awkward silence.
Tortura: The Sounds of Pain and Pleasure
The two volumes of this 1965 LP set are brimming -- from start to finish -- with the orgiastic groans of people getting throttled by whips and chains. Imagine a haunted house sound effects compilation wherein the Mummy tickles Dracula's bare bottom with a peacock plume dusted in garlic salt.
Tortura purports to be "a factual living record of pain and punishment," but it seems just as likely that this record was the work of a few blotto studio technicians armed with a spatula and an empty hatbox. The best cuts incorporate jaunty piano into the beatings, so at least you can fantasize that you've stumbled upon your grandparents' secret S&M parties.
"Well, my boy, on Sundays your grandma and I whip up some sarsaparilla sours and I drub her caboose with a rolled-up copy of Parade magazine."
The Disco Songs of Barbara Markay
At the tail end of the disco era, singer Barbara Markay released two singular singles. In the opening 30 seconds of her first track -- "It's All Rite" -- Markay airily insists, "It's all right to fuck all night!" and "It's OK to suck all day!" After that, a mariachi band crashes through the eardrum of the listener, whose libido then promptly commits suicide. This song will cause your pheromones to transubstantiate into the tears of a fallen angel.
Upon listening to this, your gonads will detach from your body and buy a one-way ticket to an Alpine monastery.
To perform "It's All Rite" for television, Markay changed the lyrics to "It's all right to truck all night." Sadly, Markay abandoned this rhyme scheme for her second single, the trumpet-drunk "Give Your Dick to Me." It was redubbed as "Give Your Flesh to Me" (the label clearly should've gone with the superior bowdlerization that is "Give Your Duck to Me").
If abstinence-only crusaders were savvy, they'd tap this for a theme song.
"No Sex" by the Still Trill Christians featuring P. Dub
If you're looking for the ultimate passive-aggressive way to not hook up with someone, invite that person to your bedroom, toss this on the stereo, and wordlessly dance like Mase circa 1997 until he or she goes home.
WARNING: This video contains wholesome scenes of shuffleboard.
Harlots-be-gone lyrics aside, "No Sex" has the sonic trappings of your modern rap single. If I were a strip club DJ, I'd drop this at midnight on a Friday, mash it up with some DC Talk, and see how long it takes for the bottles to begin flying. (And if nobody noticed, I'd spin Barbara Markay until I lost my job.)
It's worth mentioning that the music video for "No Sex" is pretty clutch, too. Its unglamorous visuals are in keeping with the song's themes of modesty. For example, the viewer is treated to several chaste shots of the Still Trill Christians enjoying canned ravioli.
In a regular rap video, that ravioli would be filled with champagne and $100 bills.
"All I Have to Do Is Dream" by the Elm Street Group
I feel a smidge bad for razzing on the Still Trill Christians, as they seem like sincere dudes who just want to rap about keeping their doodles crisp. Let's follow it up with some unapologetic crapola.
Ta-da!
Back in 1987, somebody got the bang-up notion to release Freddy's Greatest Hits, a cover album of rock-and-roll standards featuring Freddy Krueger on backup vocals. Well, that's not entirely accurate -- Freddy interjected vague orgasm noises every 20 seconds, over such tunes as "Wooly Bully" and the Everly Brothers' 1958 sock-hop staple "All I Have to Do Is Dream."
I know that "All I Have to Do Is Dream" isn't explicitly sexual, but hear me out. The song starts out innocuous (if cheesy) with Freddy just sort of mumbling some shit in the background. By the time you hit 1:29, he's moved on to a full-blown cackle that'll register with even the most distracted listener.
Now, imagine you're making out with someone for the first time. Demand to play this song on a loop all night. About 89 seconds in, any sane person will notice something's horrifically amiss, so you'll have to impassively bark, "I NEED THIS PLEASE THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I FEEL NORMAL." If you somehow get to third base, congratulations! You've found true love.
Louise Huebner's Seduction Through Witchcraft
In 1969, Louise Huebner --aka "the Official Witch of Los Angeles County" and "the only officially appointed Official Witch in the entire Cosmos" -- released an album of sexy spells, such as "The Coleopterous Charm for Romantic Adventure," which Professor Donegal MacHardbody taught at Hogwarts (until he was sent to Azkaban after his first week).
Huebner's most important occult tips came from the above track, "Orgies -- A Tool of Witchcraft." Here, she informs us that "enchanters need orgies the orgy will help you generate the electric and magnetic impulses you'll need in order to cast spells." Now it makes sense why Gandalf hung out with all those damn dwarfs in The Hobbit.
Their tiny beards generated oodles of static electricity.
"Up With the Cock!" by Judge Dread
A few years before the comic book character Judge Dredd hit the scene, there was Judge Dread, a white English reggae singer who made his career getting his lewd ditties banned from the BBC. Perhaps the Judge's most idiosyncratic contribution to recorded music was his 1977 ode to barnyard innuendo, "Up With the Cock!" which sounded like, uh, this:
This truly is the song with it all: goats, roosters, ska brass blaring enough to wake the neighbors, and a man who sounds like Cookie Monster made human flesh. When I hear the vocals, I like to imagine they're being sung by Dick Van Dyke, who fell on hard times after Mary Poppins flitted out of town. (Poor bastard's been jonesing for a fix of magic chalk; no wonder he could never keep a steady job in that movie.)
"Mary, will we be insane forever?"
"Supercalifragidizzle."
Quite simply, this headache-inducing 1962 LP is someone listlessly smacking on bongos while an unseen couple goes to town on the ricketiest bed ever built. (They could be screwing in a pile of Slinkys for all we know.) Peals of joy are nowhere to be heard, only otherworldly squawks and the SKREECH-SKREECH-SKREECH of tectonic lovemaking. But hey, if you often pleasure yourself to the revving of diesel engines, this record might charbroil your loin-meats.
You can find Cyriaque Lamar on Twitter.
