The 7 Creepiest Robots to See in Action

Plenty of robots look terrifying, but when it comes right down to it, the most unsettling part always comes from their movement: They're just creepy sculptures, until they start jerking around, crab-walking down the stairs, and devouring your dog to fuel their sinister engines. Here are seven robots you just have to see in action to appreciate, and by "appreciate," I of course mean "nuke from orbit before they can mobilize and turn against us":

Swarm-bots

These are the Swarm-bots, and really, you don't need to know anything else to judge them. At no point in history has the term 'swarm' been applied to something pleasant -- you don't buy your kids "a swarm of ice cream cones," and you don't receive "a swarm of blowjobs" -- it's always something that wants to sting you, kill you, and lay eggs in your inexplicably-still-screaming corpse. The Swarm-bots are no exception to the rule: Built by Intelligent Design Systems, the same collective that brought us robots who learned how to lie, poison and murder (as covered in the sexiest tome of knowledge ever collected

,) the Swarm-bots are seen here demonstrating their teamwork and problem solving skills. IDS figured the best way to really illustrate the implications of robots learning these lessons was to videotape them ganging up on, and then dragging away a terrified child.

"Intelligent Design Systems: We ain't front; our robots eat kids."

The girl was bribed into participating in the Swarm-bot demonstration, but it's obvious she doesn't want that Barbie anymore - her only Earthly desire at this point is to not be pulled away and deconstructed into her base elements to build other Swarm-bots. But she's going to learn a hard lesson about life, because that's exactly what's going to happen here. Look at the expression of terror on the girl's face at about 2:30: She's clearly been paralyzed or drugged somehow, left aware but unable to move or cry out. This video isn't a "demonstration of concept," it's a slow motion techno-Mayan sacrifice.

Millipede Bot

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Researchers at Japan's Tohoku University went and built a robot designed after a millipede. That's not "beginning with good intentions and accidentally unleashing a horror," that's starting right off at creepy then hopping onto the Terror Expressway: Millipedes are infamous solely for their gross and unsettling locomotion, undulating along, like they do, on their thousand scrabbling little legs. So you went ahead and built a robot that does that too, except it's also eight meters long, translucent, and hairy. What was your business proposal? "Gentlemen, I want to take the worst elements of giant snakes, deep sea creatures, and spiders, then build a robot out of them!" And when they asked toward what end -- what possible use could one have for this flailing robo-tentacle raping machine - you had the balls to answer: "Rescue!"

"Revenge against my bitch of an ex-wife! She'll never forget that COCKtail party! MWAHAHA...I mean...uh...rescue!"

The Millipede Bot (or Active Scope System) has a camera built into the head, and is meant to snake it's way through the rubble left behind by earthquakes to locate trapped survivors. The first thing they tell you, should you ever find yourself trapped in an enclosed space, is not to panic; you'll just make it worse....and then they send the Squirming Avatar of Panic to crawl out of the cracks in the darkness and writhe all over your body while you wait to be dug out. Presumably while the rescuers take bets on how long it'll take you to hyperventilate all the oxygen out of the room and die of asphyxiation.

Every Single Thing Boston Dynamics Has Ever Done

You might recognize the name Boston Dynamics from one of their earlier creations, Big Dog: The very first robot to turn the mere act of walking into nightmare fuel. If not, here you go! Welcome to the party: There's chips in the living room and we're all going to form a sobbing circle in the living room about eight, just before the suicide pact kicks in. The video up top is of their newest striding horror, Petman. It's got all the unsettling, nauseating, not-quite-life of Big Dog, but this time it's making a mockery out of people instead of our four-legged friends. The technology itself is kind of a big deal, because Petman utilizes a human-like heel/toe stride instead of the more hesitant, unstable stomping that other robots employ. And at about 25 seconds in, thanks to the bravest (and soon to be most-kicked-to-death) intern at Boston Dynamics, you can really see that stability on display when the man tries, and fails to push it over. It should also be noted that nobody bought it those goofy tennis shoes: They all just showed up to the lab one morning to find it already wearing them. On an unrelated note: Dr. Witstein's niece Penny went missing on her tour of the lab the other day, and her family is very concerned. Please call Security if you have any information. Oh, but Petman is just the beta version -- a demonstration of the walking concept. The actual robot to be deployed on the battlefield is called Atlas, and here's a quote explaining it, pulled from Boston Dynamics' own promo text: "Atlas will have a torso, two arms and two legs, and will be capable of climbing and maneuvering in rough terrain. It will sometimes walk upright as a biped, sometimes turning sideways to squeeze through narrow passages, and sometimes crawl, using its hands for extra support, speed and balance."

Whatever the hell this is, I'm sure nobody will ever regret giving it "extra speed."

Picture it: It's a foggy night, and you're on your way home from the late shift at work. In the distance, you hear strange, muffled footsteps. You can't quite pinpoint where they're coming from, but there's just something...off about the gait: It's bouncy and a little unsteady, like a happy drunk, but moving way too fast for that. Eventually, a form resolves out of the mist. It is something like a man, but broader, more angular, and -- good god, lacking a head! It approaches you quickly, and with purpose. You finally snap out of the shock, and turn to flee. You glance back over your shoulder, just in time to see it drop to all fours, like an ape, the skittering footsteps picking up speed...Oh, man. I'm sorry. I'm over-reacting again, aren't I? Atlas clearly isn't built to chase down human prey. That's Cheetah, their next project already in the works right now.

You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook or you could just start running. Apparently you're going to need the head start.