The 6 Worst Pieces of Sex Advice on the Internet

6 Eliminate Your Filth

What does wanting to be a better lover mean? It means you sense a lack of something when it comes to the way you slide your groove tuber into the cubby hole and that maybe you could be doing better. Maybe your partner continues to fall asleep about four minutes into the action, or sometimes instead of crying "Oh, baby!" they just cry. So when you go in search of tips on how to better yourself in the arena of lovemaking (that's what I call my pants, incidentally. The Arena. Sometimes Thunderdome, depending on how much I've been drinking), you want solid advice on new ways to produce pleasure or engage a lover. And so that was my segue into this quote: "If at all possible, have a shower or at least give your undercarriage a quick rinse before you slip between the sheets."

At least. At least give your undercarriage a quick rinse. Baby, I'm about to rock your world as soon as I take this lemon-scented wet nap from KFC and swirl it around my somewhat pungent cockhole. Strap yourself in for a wild ride, sugar tits, because once I use this Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to get rid of the Oreo stains on my nutsack, we're going to Pleasuretown.

Under no circumstances is rinsing your junk a tip to becoming a better lover. It's a tip for becoming a better hobo. If the best you can muster is rinsing your taint, you will not be the best lover the person you're about to befoul has ever had; you're going to be the most notable mistake they made this week. And if your lovemaking skills are so inept that you were enlightened by the tip that you should rinse the stank off your crotch, then it's likely you've never "made love" so much as you've "handed $50 to someone who keeps strips of medical tape on hand to allow at least one orifice to permanently be spread open for easy entry and rutted against their easily accessible if somewhat less than comforting crevasse for five minutes of shameful busy work."

5 Be a Friendly Rapist

This tip comes to us from the Polyman, who is neither a bird nor a superhero, but who does look suspiciously like a bohemian version of Canadian actor Keram Malicki-Sanchez. Is the Polyman a guy who has many wives? That may be his goal, but he also seems to believe he's a renaissance man who's spent his life bettering himself, and he has tips for bettering you also. Yay!

Canadian superstar or guy who recommends avoiding rape if at all possible?

While he starts off with a tiny bit of a Mystery vibe, he also seems like a more grounded, decent version of a pick-up artist, until you read through his tips on being a better lover and get to No. 5, "lead and be dominant." Ready for this, ladies? It's a good one.

As a man, it's your job to lead in the bedroom. He says that explicitly, and you know what? That's OK. Maybe it's not your job (you probably have to fill out TPS reports or stock shelves for a living), but you can also have a proactive sexual role -- lots of women like that.

He goes out of his way to insist that you never do anything against your partner's will, you never force yourself on her ... but then "Do what you want to her and have your way with her without asking for permission (if you do cross a line, genuinely apologize, stop, and change course)." So don't commit a sexual assault until you do, and if she's not cool with it once you do it, apologize and maybe give her a foot rub or something.

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that you're not a better lover if you sexually traumatize your partner in such a way that requires an apology and a complete change of direction that comes as a result of you doing what you want without asking permission. If you do this, if you just start slapping your partner's face with your genitals, or peeing on them while laughing and live streaming it, or filling their bottom with nickels, you're not some kind of enlightened lover, you're just horrible. You're a horrible asshole.

4 Be a Furry Monster (But Don't)

If you took the time to read the Ask Men article I linked earlier, it includes the tip that you need to keep your goodies well shorn, like a mighty humptopiary, free from the perils of pubes. I think I wrote about pube shaving in a recent article, but never mind that now, because this new article warns you to never shave your balls!

Nearly every site that offers basic tips on making yourself into Humpules, the Greek God of Thrustacrity, insists that you go H.A.M. on your doodle with depilatories. And then this trendy young upstart seeks to confuse the sexually derptarded by throwing in the curveball that you need to "embrace your hairiness."

You can't have it both ways, awful tips for lovemaking -- either everyone's crotch needs to be as sleek as a greased-up Prius or we're all disheveled briar patches of abrasive throb goblin undergrowth. How the hell is anyone supposed to get anything done if we're constantly growing and shearing our junk fuzz anyway? Make up your minds!

Also, and this can't be stressed enough, neither the act of shaving nor not shaving will in any way affect your ability to actually perform the sex act unless your pubic thatch is that many-tentacled beast that attacked the fellowship outside the gates of Moria, in which case that's really weird. Get rid of that thing, your sex life will improve.

3 Change Your Sheets

If I were giving advice on how to become a better lover, I'd suggest getting drunk and seeing how different from one another your partner's holes taste, but I don't have any medical or sexual experience that hasn't been resolved in therapy sessions, so what do I know? I'll tell you what I know -- changing your sheets is a lame-ass suggestion for improving your love life. But here we are.

This article on WebMD, the Internet's pre-eminent self-diagnostic hypochondriac's wet dream, is linked to two sex experts, so you'd think the advice would be pretty solid. And yet the required word count must have been looking as hard to grasp as a unicorn when it came time to flesh out the section on redecorating the bedroom when the suggestion to pick up the dirty laundry and try out some new sheets came up.

A good rule of thumb for sexual endeavors is that if your sex life has decayed to the point where changing the sheets is needed to spice it up, then it's time to pack it in and become some kind of monk or competitive StarCraft player, because you've just been misusing your genitals this whole time anyway. Alternately, if new sheets get you off, then maybe you could try new wallpaper or a new texture of toilet paper, because you get off so easily that you probably don't even need a partner.

2 Don't Oversex a Booty Call

The article this tip comes from was written by Ricardus Domino. I like to think he has a number of stories about being pulled over by lady cops and having to "work off" a ticket, and maybe one or two about the time Scarlett Johansson's car broke down outside his house so he had to sex her until AAA showed up. And AAA was a sexy Russian spy whom he also sexed, and then sent to prison. And he visited her in prison and sexed her and the busty warden, Areola Du Bosomlube.

Ricardus has all kinds of tips for making a woman experience intense pleasure, such as stimulating her G spot, her deep spot, and her R spot. Are you familiar with those last two? Of course you're not, because that shit's straight gibberish. Well, in fairness, the "deep spot," or anterior fornix erogenous zone, is a real place way the hell up in there that can be pretty pleasurable for a lady. That R spot thing is just made up shit, though, so let that set the tone for the rest of this piece of awesomeness.

After nearly 2,500 words devoted to telling you to stimulate the G spot from both inside and outside, and how biting her entire lower jaw will turn her on, he then gives you a warning. So important is this warning that he prefaces it in boldface type -- you must never use these tips on a woman you are not serious about. Do you want to know why? "You can REALLY create a powerful sexual addiction in women if you do, and you don't want women you're seeing only casually to get too attached to you."

So you see, it's for the benefit of you and, yes, womankind that you not use all of Ricardus' incredible tips on a lady you're not committed to, because you're going to ruin her fragile psyche if you do. Your sexings are going to be so good that the very idea of her not permanently owning you after that will probably make her shit applesauce and adopt like 70 cats.

Bite those jaws responsibly, kids -- you don't want to be breaking too many hearts out there.

1 Pray

This tip is one of the rare ones offered up for ladies that isn't one of those mind-blowingly preposterous Cosmo tips everyone enjoys making fun of that seem to have been written by human-hating robots.

Straight out of Mom Life Today, the sexiest website I can think of offhand, comes 10 tips to make you a better lover by sundown! Depending on what time of day you access the site, this list could be an intense whirlwind. The first nine tips include things like "flirt" and "tell your husband you're horny," which I guess make sense and can help get everyone on the same page -- pretty standard stuff. And then right down there at No. 10 comes the saddest Hail Mary play of sexuality you'll ever see on a list of hump-making tips -- prayer.

Tip 10 suggests that, supposing the entire list up to this point hasn't worked for you, including the tip to brush your teeth, you may want to consider directing your attention to the Almighty. Ask God to tell you how to become a better lover. Ask God.

If divinity is your last hope for special boner fun, then please give God a break and just nap. Did you know that people pray to God when they're dying in hospitals? When they're starving and diseased and bleeding and alone and desperate? They're trying to grasp at what they feel is a supreme force of creation, a thing so powerful that through its own will it came to be, the only conceivable force in all of time and space that could make itself exist, and from that single act gave birth to the vastness of all time and all things. And then you come along, with your freshly brushed teeth, your damp and half-shaved crotch, your willingness to not rape anyone (or at least apologize for it afterward if you do), your new sheets, and your knowledge of some shit called the R spot, and you say, "Lord, if you have a moment amid the infinite number of tasks that necessarily must be flowing from the very essence of your being at all times, and if your intellect is even something that would register the meaningless needs of a human being on one of the innumerable planets making up the entire universe, do you think you could maybe make it so that anal feels better than getting a free sundae and maybe actually ends in the production of said free sundae? In your name, amen."