The 6 Most Terrifying Features of Japanese Toilets
You're probably already familiar with a toilet. If you're not, it's that poop-eatin' chair in the other room. When you think about it -- and most people, rightly, don't -- a toilet's got a pretty thankless task. With a job description that grim, few would have the nerve to ask much more of the poor toilet. The Japanese are those few people. It turns out that nearly every toilet in Japan is equipped with a variety of auxiliary functions, some of them only slightly related to poop eating. Bidets, seat warmers and wireless remotes are all very common features. Many Japanese manufacturers are even building "smart" toilets capable of automated operations, increased user feedback and other feats that will blow your ass' mind. Now, if you can look at that clip and not think of that semi-intelligent poo-eating machine becoming self-aware, realizing the raw deal it's been given and rising up to destroy its master, well, welcome to your first visit to Cracked.com. We hope you enjoy and are terrified by your stay. Below is a list of some of the most advanced features that Japanese toilets have developed, descriptions of how they are meant to interact with Japanese hindquarters and how they will inevitably be used against us when the toilet fuel hits the fan. We cannot recommend strongly enough that you do not read this article while using the bathroom, lest you warn the toilets that we're on to them. Ass Showers
A very popular option found on Japanese toilets is the bidet, which is a pretty precious term for a jet of water that gets fired at your tenderness.
The more complicated toilets feature different settings depending on your tenderness' needs -- a variety of jet size, power and even massage (!!) settings. There is also typically a specific nozzle meant for a lady's needs (we're not even going to guess what these needs might be ). Many such toilets also contain blow dryers, which, after an accidental anal massage, actually sounds kind of pleasant. What certainly doesn't sound pleasant is the "turbo wash" feature some of these units have, and if you were hoping that wasn't a euphemism for an enema, you're about to be disappointed. How This Will Go All Wrong Just think for a moment about trusting any machine to root around in your turd vent, much less a machine that will certainly grow to hate you. What could go right with that plan?
Seat Warming
A poorly heated home makes any kind of winter-time contact with a toilet seat a potentially harrowing experience. And considering the natural tendency of our various sphincters to clench up when subjected to sudden shocks,
Deodorization
When a toilet is used successfully, it is often the case that fantastic odors are produced. For most Westerners, these fragrances are a great thing, a cause for celebration and windmill high-fives. But for the Japanese, they are a terrible embarrassment, a reminder that inside everyone lurks great evil. To counter these grim portents, many Japanese toilets contain deodorization features. These can include masking fragrances, but the more advanced models can even produce
Toilets That Taste Your Business
Japan has a serious appetite for technologies that will help maintain the health of its aging population. Toilets that are capable of measuring the user's blood pressure, body fat and level of sugar in the urine are all available. Many of them are also capable of communicating this information to doctors or other medical practitioners, who are presumably just delighted about seeing their inboxes fill up with news about people's outboxes.
How This Will Go All Wrong
The Sound Princess
It's a well-known fact that Japanese women will expire of shame the instant anyone hears them pee, which became a serious problem with the invention of flush toilets and the splashy noises that accompany them. To stay alive, many Japanese ladies began repeatedly flushing the toilet as they used it to mask the sounds that nature forced them to make. As this was wasting a pretty stunning amount of water, someone with a really hilarious job was forced to invent the Otohime. Also known as the Sound Princess, the Otohime is a device mounted in a toilet stall capable of producing a tinny, unconvincing replica of a toilet flush.
How This Will Go All Wrong
Sphincter Relaxation Music
A toilet can be a pretty stressful place to be, what with all the concern you're feeling about the noises you're about to make.
How This Will Go All Wrong
For more ways Japan has lost its mind, check out 6 Japanese Subcultures That Are Insane (Even for Japan) and 9 Beloved Characters Made Horrifying by Japan.
Bucholz has gotten less terrified of human contact! Make him reconsider that by Liking His Facebook page or Following Him On Twitter!
