The 6 Most American Things That Aren't Made in America
Many of the great symbols of Liberty we Americans cherish are actually not American at all.
Many of the great symbols of Liberty we Americans cherish are actually not American at all. The Statue of Liberty is French, the hot dog is mostly Mexican cat and in 2001, China sold us half a Boeing 767's worth of American flags. Here are 28 more examples, but I might only type six since last week was our nation's birthday and I blew off most of my American fingers with fireworks made in Hong Kong.
Metal Wolf Chaos
Most of our beloved classic video games come from Japan, but America has generated its own fair share of kickass titles. For example, here's a shot from the American-developed Target: Terror.Yeah, it's a game about a coed group of terrorists attacking an airport/exploding barrel storage with chainsaws and flamethrowers because that's how we goddamn do it in America. Oh, and we can also end our words in consonants. Jealous much, Japan?
Japan isn't jealous at all. In 2004, they released Metal Wolf Chaos, the most American video game of all time. The plot was ripped from today's headlines, specifically this one: President of U.S. Fucks Country in Face From Inside Awesome Robot Suit. I can never tell when Japan is making fun of us, but Metal Wolf Chaos begins when the Vice President takes control of the military by loudly hating freedom and the only one left to stop him is President Mike Wilson. As soon as he hears about the trouble, President Wilson gets into his Presidential Power Armor and front-flip rocket jumps out of the White House. To make sure you understand how little of a shit this game gives, here's what robot jump rockets do to a White House:
I've never seen anyone understand what it's like to be American more than the makers of Metal Wolf Chaos, and I once watched a man die during a pie eating contest from alcohol poisoning. Also, like most Americans, the game is way more awesome than it is correct. It used Clinton-era graphics in a game about George W. Bush driving a robot, and everyone knows that Bush wasn't even allowed near pinking shears without a 2/3 majority approval from Congress. Even if there was a Presidential Robosuit, and fuck you if there isn't, they would have kept Bush away from it by labeling it "book." Plus, the only person patient enough to teach George W. Bush how to pilot a mech was killed by the Romans 2,000 years ago. I guess my point is that it's troubling how careless Japan is about mixing robots and the retarded. There's only one way that combination of things can end: Americanly.
Viagra
I'm not always sure what makes something American, but I know it when I see it, and nothing says America like choosing to have a throbbing erection even after your body refuses to give you one. I know a lot of you foreign people are thinking, Why would Americans need boner pills when they're surrounded by all those breast implants? Well, I'll let you in on a secret: 60 percent of us think the best form of exercise is signing petitions to get the obesity classification raised. Sure, everyone feels the same when you turn out the lights and put a punctured bathroom stall between them and you, but 80 pounds of digested beef still fucks up a body's normal sexual chemistry. And that's why we invented Viagra, right?
Viagra was actually invented in England. Which is weird because hard-ons and money used to be our thing. Plus, you don't normally expect something as elegant as take-a-pill-get-a-boner from U.K. scientists. If they sat down to cure erectile dysfunction, you'd expect something more along the lines of a chewing gum that inflates into a vagina when hit with a watch laser. This whole boner pill thing was probably a lab accident made by British engineers trying to get a deployable bridge and a fish scaler to grow out of your dick.
Viagra is now so common in America that walking by a drugstore gives you a contact erection. Those British biochemists have helped more unattractive women get laid than good personalities and moonshine combined. Before this pill came along, we had to pick between our two favorite Liberties: The Right to Bear Pizza and The Right to Bear Boners. Now, our nation's biggest assholes write entire books about doing both at the same time
. I'll never forgive you for that, England.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arnold Schwarzenegger, described here, is very foreign. He came here from Austria decades ago to pursue a career as a body builder, and he's shown us that while exercise is great for the body, it's terrible for the accent. Arnold has been in this country for 11 years longer than Chris Farley was alive, and the man still sounds like an Austrian patient screaming for his dentist to stop. He was in charge of an entire state, but if you ask him which one, the sounds that come out of his mouth don't correspond to any map. He says "California" like a cab driver spelling a fart sound.Despite his heritage, Arnold is so American that he bleeds dipping sauce. You know how Americans like to say stupid shit right before and after we kill someone? Arnold practically invented that. Before Arnold, we thought gun control was a violation of our Second Amendment rights. Now we know that gun control is just what you call it when a guy can keep firing an M60 while throwing stars hit him. We elected him governor based only on the qualification that the other candidates hadn't made Commando, Predator, Terminator and Running Man. He didn't invent the American tradition of putting the least qualified person in charge, but he totally perfected it.Studies have shown that the average American man thinks about sex 78 percent of every second, and Arnold Schwarzenegger movies are based on the other 37 percent. And speaking of numbers, Arnold impregnated his family's housekeeper and she was a three. Why? Fuck your why -- Americans do stuff because we can, not because of math.Sorry, Sub-Zeroes, but if I ever met someone named Sub-Zero, I'd count on the judge being lenient based on how sweet it would be to kill you and then say this. Same goes for anyone named Spencer Pratt.Yes! Arnold is such a man that every pair of his underwear has to be individually cleaned with a rape kit before it can be thrown away.Speaking of divorce, Arnold's real wife probably knew he impregnated the housekeeper when she saw the ejaculation exit wounds on her back.The fact that his brain didn't stop his mouth from saying that is why I love this great American so much.Ugh. You know, on second thought: Go back to Germany, asshole!
The V Cat D8R Earth Mover
If you drive a giant truck, most people will say it's because you have a small penis. I'm not sure if that science is accurate but the observation itself has become shorthand for, "I wish I was funnier." The fact is, a giant truck is all things American. It wastes faggy natural resources, looks sweet and starts conversations about the owner's penis.
That being said, the most giantest truck on the planet is made by Germans. The Krupp V Cat D8R earth mover rolls along on 12 46' tank treads and has a mounted bucket wheel sawblade bigger than .8 American penises. It's eerie how American this monstrosity is. It can pull up enough crap to fill 100,000 dump trucks a day -- the precise amount of landfill space McDonald's takes up per customer. It rumbles along at .33 mph, and the fact that that exact figure is our country's average jogging speed can't be coincidence. And most telling, like our American penises, it takes five people to properly operate it. If Germans had a sense of humor I'd swear their mining equipment was mocking us.
Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos
Like several other Americans, I briefly enjoyed a cartoon in 1986 called Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos. In one scene, here
, government karate agent Chuck Norris stole a motorcycle from two fishermen and taught me the three sentences that allow anyone do anything they ever want. Ethically, no comedy writer should be hyperbolizing about Chuck Norris after 2006, but his Americantasticness makes him the perfect figurehead for a point I want to make: Every cartoon that defined American childhoods was drawn by a disinterested Korean. Chuck Norris is certainly as American as karate, but his animators were all Tae Kwon Do. Karate Kommandos
was animated at Hanho Heung-Up, which sounds more like the kind of place our government would send Chuck Norris over to kick. The language barrier and cultural differences might be why things like this
happened without explanation in the middle of his show:
The list is endless: Transformers, ThunderCats, Super Friends ... all done in Korea. There was at least one point where a guy in Songpa-gu got up from drawing Snake-Eyes to ask his coworkers, "Why do I even bother to put my name on my dog sandwiches if some dickhead, probably Chul-Moo, is just going to eat them anyway." And down the street from the G.I. JOE cartoonists, a pile of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe storyboards were confusing the hell out of a group of artists at Dong Woo Animation. On a different subject, Dong Woo Animation is the same studio He-Man himself would have picked because on Eternia the words "Dong" and "Woo" mean "Cock" and "Hooray."
The Shake Weight®
Americans can fix every complex problem in their lives with a single medicine or a device. The results speak for themselves -- our diet pill and electric belt technologies have made our trim physiques the envy of the entire world. I know your life is hard enough without the rest of this sentence, but in your face, fatties.
We don't even have to work out anymore. Between our Ephedra and our dishwasher-safe vibrating sex toys, our rippling born-free muscles couldn't unflex if they wanted. And the one product that represents the culmination of all American fitness science is The Shake Weight®. It tones, it firms, it suggests and it's already inspired the most hilarious line on all of Wikipedia
(citation needed).
Studies conducted by Shake Weight's® own scientists have shown it's seven times more effective at "burning muscle energy" than a dumbbell that you're not pretending to jerk off. As an American, I'm done thinking about that, and if you told me that a Google search of the phrase "burning muscle energy" led exclusively to websites selling Shake Weights®, I'd punch you in your Socialist face.
My point is, this is the USA way to get in shape -- suspiciously easy, dangerously unlikely, and handjobs. Smart readers may have already guessed this next plot twist, but it wasn't made in America. The Shake Weight® was developed by a South African in Taiwan. Not cool. Americans didn't spend hundreds of years convincing our gentle-handed women to love handjobs so some foreigners could swoop in and take advantage of them. Maybe I'm stupid for thinking these things work, but Shake Weights® have replaced Vagisil as the first thing I look for in a girl's apartment. I'd rather get a rash than put my junk into an unthrottled milking machine that was once an arm. Taiwanese engineers are probably responsible for more dongs being torn off than He-Man and all the Masters of the Universe put together.
