The 6 Geekiest Sex Toys
We live in the sexiest time ever. For most of history, condoms were hollowed-out sheep guts, "getting lucky" meant not contracting a plague, and the more insane religions insisted that even masturbation was a sin (despite the fact that jerking off is the literal fucking definition of "enjoying yourself without bothering anyone else"). Any god against that is both a voyeur and a killjoy.
"Tell those starving children to WAIT, their Lord is busy watching Mrs. Jenkins think about Benedict Cumberbatch!"
Thanks to the Internet, the average modern teenager has seen more nudity than an orgiastic Roman emperor with X-ray vision. We've realized that human genitals are like LEGO: lots of fun to put together, and if you get bored with all the possible combinations, you can buy extra bits to connect. But this ability to screw absolutely everything has spilled over into, well, absolutely everything. For example: The '80s aren't just nostalgia, they're subconscious urges that have been stewing in hormones for 30 years.
It still gets longer when he shouts, but gives her an unfortunate double meaning for "Thundercats, ho!"
Sex has leaked into science fiction. And just like science fiction warned us, the real madness begins when this stuff escapes into the real world.
(All links in this article are obviously, ludicrously NSFW, unless your job is making these things.)
Carbonite Kink (And a Real Companion Cube)
When you think of Star Wars sexy, I don't even need to finish this sentence.
Thinking of this image is more natural than turning on a light saber, and for men has similar effects.
But as proof that the Internet can do anything, Kink Engineering reversed the polarity of Princess Leia's gold bikini. They took something Star Wars that was dark instead of bright, entirely covers the body, and works just as well on men.
It's also the only way to hold someone still enough for a Stormtrooper to hit them.
They've fetishized the "frozen in carbonite" scene, which is how you tell Rule 34 to bow down and suck it. Especially since these vac-beds can come with sockets. As can the users. The vac-bed is a form of total bondage and proof that even insane ideas like "connecting your naked body to a vacuum cleaner" can work with sufficient technology. They're the rubber-wear equivalent of being locked in a stasis field, except you can still feel what happens to you. The user breathes through a hose, or can get a vac-bed with a hole for their face (which we assume is accompanied by a suitable Monty Python song).
Then they added a third dimension to achieve the impossible. Months after Portal's Companion Cube became popular online, and months minus one day after it became sickeningly overused, they found a way to put new life into the idea and make the name literal.
With this cube, you can eat your cake and have it.
Just like the game, it even has options for pushing yourself through what seem like physically impossible portals.
Total Recall Sex Doll
In 1990, Total Recall predicted that the future would use technology to make our memories better. In 2012, Total Recall did the exact opposite.
You'd think that people who make movies would know that "Trying to beat Schwarzenegger in a movie" doesn't work.
The most famous part of the original is the triple-breasted hooker, because that captured 150 percent of the attention it was possible to capture from adolescent boys.
And just to prove that it's possible to screw up any idea (in two different ways), we have the Area 51 sex doll.
Even the doll seems surprised to look so crap.
Pipedream Products doesn't have the official license, so Columbia Pictures has some standards (recent evidence to the contrary). But the trimammaries make it obvious that the "balloons you can screw" company checked the calendar, realized that some kids who went through puberty in 1990 should be nicely desperate by now, and made them a product.
In a weird way, it's actually realistic. Because despite what five versions of Star Trek have taught us, we're unlikely to find alien life sexually attractive. If you're already pretending that something is a comatose alien captured by the military, the feelings of unconvincing skin, disturbing internal pressures, and interplanetary levels of shame make a lot more sense. Whacking off is fine, but such a low-budget plastic bag is the most insulting way of telling your genetic material that it will never be needed. And that's still not the most unsexy inhuman option they offer.
This one captures the full personality of the original. And will age more attractively.
The Little Death Ray
The Little Death Ray combines Victorian design sensibilities, the French poetry of "la petit morte" as orgasm, '60s sci-fi styling, and modern vibration technology. It's like Lady Clankington harvested our existing history to build a real sonic screwdriver. And I didn't make up the name "Lady Clankington." The last person to jack off with this much science fiction was a character in Neuromancer, and she was connecting a very different kind of socket.
(Amazingly, there actually isn't a sonic screwdriver sex toy yet, despite that being the perfect name for one. And it explains how the Doctor gets more geek ladies wet than a sprinkler malfunction at a cosplay convention.)
Like all the best robotic dicks, the Death Ray is fully functional. So much so, it's built to accept replacement barrels when the originals wear out. These refractory replacements are 6.75 inches long and come in bronze or gunmetal gray. (Alas, genital dimensions are the one place where insisting on metric instead of imperial makes you the dick.) They're also working on the Butt Rogers Uranium Pistol. (How they resisted the urge to call it the Uranian Pistol is beyond me.)
Most weapons kick ass. This does something else.
Avatar Fleshlight
Someone deserves the legal Nobel Prize for working out that you can call things "This Ain't THING IT BLATANTLY IS XXX."
I wish this was even nearly the weirdest porn the Internet has shown me.
That's the parody equivalent of splitting the atom: It's enormously powerful, and it makes everything that came before look silly. The fact that we even still have copyright courts when someone can paint themselves blue, write "Avatar" on the cover, and start screwing without getting sued is bizarre and confusing. Another combination of screwing the bizarre and confusing is the Avatar-themed "Alien" fleshlight.
Fleshlights are polymer-filled flashlight tubes. I've got nothing against them, either physically or in mockery. If you're going to have sex with inanimate objects anyway, this is probably better than bulk-buying cotton socks. If people can spend an extra hundred dollars on a collector's edition of the Halo 3 helmet, I'm not going to mock anyone buying a cheaper tool for their tool. At least the fleshlighters are paying for something they can actually fit their head in and screwing something instead of being screwed.
Halo Legendary Edition comes with an entirely different type of helmet. (Also a different type of "comes.")
The crazy is when you remember that this is a product for people who want to pretend to have sex with alien cats and realize how they catered to that. James Cameron achieved it with a quarter of a billion dollars in special effects on a 22-meter screen. Fleshlight did it with blue dye in a 10-centimeter cock-socket. That's not attention to detail; that's a terrifying lack of imagination. If you're already pretending that a tube of plastic is an alien female from beyond the stars who is alive, biocompatible, and willing to use both of those facts on your penis, you really shouldn't need color-coding to keep that fantasy going. That's a worse failure of imagination than having a wet dream about pissing the bed.
Apparently aliens are full of bubble wrap -- no wonder people want to poke them so much.
On the upside, the imaginary outside comes with a double clitoris. Whatever else you say about the alien Smurf pussy-prodders, at least they want their dicktubes to be happy.
Dicks Beyond Your Wildest Dreams
It's well-known that the Internet is full of dicks, but that's not insulting the people in comments sections. Because these dicks are useful and women like them. I won't say that some of my best friends are dildos, but I know for a fact that a couple of my best friends' best friends' are dildos. And an army of online erotic engineers have realized that constructing artificial genitals and then sticking to the standard human design is like using virtual reality to simulate watching TV.
"My God, it's like I'm really sitting on my ass with a screen in front of my eyes!"
Necronomicox Toys crafts the first to rise from the Stygian depths, only to descend to another Stygian depth (both related to nether regions): The "Mythos."
It doesn't actually name Cthulhu, because:
a) you're really not meant to do that; that's the entire point of Lovecraft's stories.
b) the only thing more terrifying than the R'lyehian horrors from beyond sanity are the same horrors plus Earth lawyers.
If your mind can't encompass the full scale of the Mythos, it might not be the only thing. At 11 inches long and 2 inches across (not around -- across, and ouch), this thing is terrifying in entirely understandable and normal biological ways.
Alien Dildos takes it to (or rather, from) the stars, offering your choice of xenomorphallus.
Strangely, the "Alien" dildo looks less like a penis than that movie's monsters.
For fantasy todger, there's Bad Dragon, as long as you understand that here "fantasy" doesn't mean "tall dark stranger," it means "giant humanoid dragons with terrifyingly anthropomorphized penii." It's sexual science fiction, using 3-D fabrication to print imaginary dragon dicks and selling them over a global computer network. It's about as Internetty as a company can get without selling routers. Every product even comes with a full story and truly terrifying fan art, and I do mean they come in both.
Honestly, you wouldn't even be able to tell which prong was his prong if it wasn't dripping.
The Hammer
The Hammer is the most amazingly nerdy sex toy ever constructed. Someone realized that male and female electrical connectors have adapters and thought, "Why should they have all the fun?" It's an electronics project, light show, double-ended dildo, orifice adapter, and test-your-strength machine all in one (hole). And those fairground "Test Your Strength" games only display your manliness by implication.
Nothing phallic about this at all.
This one is a bit more direct about showing off your cybermanhood.
But it uses the exact same ways to draw attention to itself: bright lights and flashing colors!
The bulb measures your clenching strength, lighting the shaft from base to tip. (Using an Arduino system, for the electronics makers out there.) Higher intensity causes people to see brighter lights and swirling colors. Since the bulb can be inserted into any orifice, and the dildo section can be inserted into any orifice (that's what dildos are for), this genital converter has at least nine possible permutations and can work between two people of any combination of genders. If you think you've got a pair where it won't work, you're really not thinking hard enough. Or otherwise being hard enough. Either way, the Hammer can help with that. It's also the best possible response to anyone who wants to turn the lights off before sex.
In movies, the stereotypical sci-fi sexbot uses electronics to make it easier for men to screw women. This reverses that polarity. Just to max out the nerd quotient, inventor and demonstrator Kristen Stubbs of the Toymaker Project wears a Captain Hammer T-shirt while showing it off. But considering that she built a big electronic system designed to make everyone look at how big and brightly colored her dick is, she's really more of an Iron Man. This Toni Stark of sexuality said, "I wanted a glowing penis, so I built one."
That's a real problem-solving attitude: taking things in hand and enjoying them, even if you have to make them yourself.
Luke meets a steampunk superstar in an interview with Professor Elemental and looks at the ultimate video game movie. Luke also tumbles and responds to every single tweet.
For more sexual insanity, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented and 7 Creepy Dick Inventions.
