The 5 Most Horrifying Crimes Committed by Senior Citizens
I do not like old people. My uneasiness is not born from hatred but from fear. I don\'t trust their giant ears and ankles, the way their faces melt into their droopy necks, the way their hands don\'t cast shadows like see-through fish.
I do not like old people. My uneasiness is not born from hatred but from fear. I don’t trust their giant ears and ankles, the way their faces melt into their droopy necks, the way their hands don’t cast shadows like see-through fish. I feel confident revealing my terror in this venue because senior citizens remain, to my great relief, technologically inept and because the font here is far too small for them to read. In fact, I encourage you to forward this article to all the geriatrics you know. If they manage to peck out a response it will only be in regards to the darlingness of this fawn.
I am insulting your surrender to time in tiny words!
Kidnapping and Ransom
My uneasiness around the elderly is almost certainly born from cautionary tales I heard as a child about witches. The story of Hansel and Gretel in particular I blame for both a crippling fear of being kidnapped by old women, and a general distrust of Germans. In March of this year, my life-long fears combined into a super-terror when a group of German seniors between the ages of 61 and 80 kidnapped a financial advisor
Germany can make anything creepy.
Just like old times.
Bank Heist and Robbery
In April of this year, three men were arrested for plotting to rob an armored car in Chicago. The men were between the ages of 69 and 73. Jerry “The Monk” Scalise and Arthur “The Genius” Rachel teamed up with Robert “Bobby” Pullia (who seemed to have been between awesome nicknames) to rob a La Grange bank and a house belonging to an old mob leader. The plan was fairly ambitious considering that most men their age weren’t plotting anything more complex than backgammon moves.
Gordon never understood why the conversation always stopped when he sat down.
Setting a Woman on Fire
Misogyny, sexism, and domestic abuse have long been a problem in India, so it’s nice to finally see a progressive man who’s willing to let his mom do a job that was previously reserved only for males. Two years ago in Mumbai, Mangal Bharat Thorat had an argument with her daughter-in-law over a dowry before the 62-year-old Thorat beat the girl, poured kerosene over her and set her ablaze. Now, my hyper-fear of the elderly means that from time to time I prepare for the hundreds of hypothetical situations in which they may try to kill me and/or devour my youth, but I can honestly say that I have no contingency plan for being set on fire by senior citizens. Several things would have to go wrong to afford a 62-year-old woman the time to not only to collect kerosene, but douse me in it, strike a match and throw it at me.
“Thanks for waiting, I can never remember where my husband puts the candles.”
Petit Larceny and Tampering with Jell-O
While technically not a felony, this crime is so irrational and bizarre that it makes me just as anxious about the conniving and unpredictable nature of the elderly as anything else on this list. At some point last spring, an old couple in Long Island decided they were sick of paying for groceries, and in particular, Jell-O. Together they devised and launched an elaborate scheme to buy packages of pudding mix, remove the powder and replace it with sand. Then they returned the boxes to the stores and reaped the astronomical profits of around $1.40 a box. Most staggering of all, their intention was never to sell the pudding, they just wanted a lot of it for free. Everything worked smoothly until the stores restocked the old packages and costumers complained their Jell-O looked a lot like sandwich bags filled with sand.
“I remember it being creamier.”
J.E.L.L.-Ohhh shit.
Stealing Christmas
In prison, the hierarchy of abuse is dependent on the crime responsible for incarceration because even convicted felons have a sense of moral decency. At the bottom of that hierarchy you will find a toothless and bloody pile of pedophiles, and buried directly under them are remains of people who tried to steal Christmas from poor children. I assume, I’ve never actually seen a prison outside of Oz on HBO and they never did a Christmas episode.
"Baby, it’s cold outside.”
