There are three universal truths in life:
1.) If you want a bus to come, light a cigarette
2.) If you say something on the Internet, somebody will question your sexuality
3.) Jungle cats are fucking metal
Tigers, lions, jaguars, cheetahs? Metal, metal, metal--and let me check the Worthington's Guide to Things That are Metal
here--yep, metal. Here's the proof:
Allow This Guy to Ride the Tiger Lion
That picture above is of Askold Zapashny of the Zapashny Brothers Circus in St. Petersburg. It is also a picture of a man riding the single most metal thing a man can ride--short of "the lightning" or a rocket-ship shaped like a guitar--a big damn lion. That is the only vehicle in the world that is certified Grade A, Ronnie James Dio Approved.
“Actually, I said 'ride the tiger'--but fuck it. Dio approved!”
It matters little that Askold is dressed like a dominatrix at a renaissance faire up there, or that he has a ponytail so effeminate it took first place in a vagina contest, because this man has not only made a Superpredator his primary mode of transportation, but has even gone so far as to jump said lion-vehicle with reckless abandon like it's a carnivorous General Lee. You try stepping to Askold at a stoplight with your custom chrome-skull embossed chopper, and you might win the race--but only one of your vehicles can eat his opponent for fuel.
Advantage: Lion.
, under the assumption that it would prevent him from being eaten by tigers. This is all because the boy grew an abnormal tooth on his upper gum and in his village abnormal tooth growths are taken as a sign of poor orthodontic health, and all of their dentists just happen to be deadly, deadly tigers.
Well, that's not exactly true, but it makes about as much sense as their actual reasoning: Extra teeth are simply a bad omen that makes one more prone to tiger attacks. This village's tribal god apparently really digs on beastiality, and a surefire way to ensure his blessing is to marry an animal. Luckily the marriage is not recognized by law, so the boy will not have to file for divorce in order to take a human wife--which is good, because the alternative would have been the saddest thing in the world:
Puppy divorce.
“Sometimes I forget that I don't wear the ring anymore. Sometimes I forget…”
Metal is about being a badass, being terrifying and being sexually perverted to a degree that would frighten Alfred Kinsey into a convent. I'm pretty sure that an entire village so terrified of the threat of tigers that they married a child to a dog covers all of those bases nicely.
Advantage: Tigers.
Cause a Man to Cover His Eyes Mid-Suicide Attempt
Mr. Nordin Montong, a daytime janitor at the Singapore Zoo, was drowning in the frozen waters of loneliness and depression and saw only one to end the suffering: suicide. Some unfortunate souls use pills, some opt for the razor, while still others consider a tall building as the most effective method. Montong, presumably because he was raised by Motorhead videos, decided that the most dignified way to end his suffering was to feed himself to a pack of tigers instead
.
Witnesses report that Montong was in the grips of a mysterious raging fit the fateful day of his death, and was seen storming about the zoo on his bicycle, throwing things and swearing at the tourists. Eventually he leapt a fence and dropped nearly 20 feet to the floor of the tiger enclosure, waded across the moat and began antagonizing the great cats with his broom. After they were good and infuriated, Montong laid down the broom, put his janitorial pail over his head, sat down on the ground and let the tigers maul him to death. See that? Even guys that are actively feeding themselves to tigers aren't hardcore enough to watch somebody get eaten by tigers.
“I would enjoy for that to eat me.”--Metal
Advantage: Tigers.
Withstand Attack by Chainsaw Marine
Caught alone in the Wyoming wilderness, Mr. Dustin Britton, a 32-year-old ex-marine from Colorado, found himself faced with possibly the most intimidating thing on the continent: a starving mountain lion
. Practically helpless before the potential onslaught of the most weaponized animal in all of nature, Britton was armed only with his wits and a chainsaw. Which is… actually pretty good armament, come to think of it.
Britton reports that the lion lunged at him full force, impacting him in mid-air at the shoulder, and he had no choice but to swing the chainsaw into the attacking beast.
If the story ended there, that's certainly fucking metal, but not necessarily in the cat's favor. Rather than turning tail and running before one of the largest predators in the nation, a lone Marine, miles from civilization and any possible help, decided “Fuck it: Chainsaw.” Sorry, lions. That's…
Advantage: Marine.
Oh, but it does not end there: Not only did a full force mid-air chainsaw blow fail to kill the lion, it barely phased it. They found the lion several days later, with only a six inch gash on its shoulder to attest to its epic battle . In Britton's own words: "You would think if you hit an animal with a chainsaw it would dig right in. I might as well have hit it with a hockey stick."
There you go: Lions are essentially fucking chainsaw proof.
Warning: Ineffective against lions.
Advantage: Lion.
Fucking THIS
That is exactly what it looks like: A jungle cat riding shotgun in a motorcycle racing up the walls of a dome of death. It's not like there's a reasonable explanation for this picture--it's not taken from comic book or an Iron Maiden album cover--it's actually a real thing. Somebody back in the 1920s thought to themselves, “I find the world lacking in badass, and this trend perturbs me. I will place this enormous predator in an exceedingly fast motor-vehicle and fling it about an enclosed pit with reckless abandon, and the people will pay me for it because I am dangerously insane and may turn on them if not humored in this endeavor. ” And this was the birth of--I shit you not--The Lion Drome!
This photo was most likely taken at the first and most famous of the Lion Dromes (that's right, the 20s were so fucking hardcore that the term “Lion Drome” needed a plural) which was called Fearless Eggbert's Lion Drome. Now, with a name like Eggbert, you have little choice but to grow up "fearless," as your childhood was likely a never-ending orgy of swirlies and atomic wedgies (or whatever they called them in the roaring 20s. Steam-wedgies?) But it could be argued that Eggbert took the "fearless" moniker just a bit too far; it's one thing to put on a daredevil show, but it's quite another to host what appears to be princess Leia racing a motorcycle through the Thunderdome while the King of All Beasts navigates.
That's not fearless; that's surrealistic insanity. That's not a circus act; that's a hallucination that puts you off acid for good.
But you know what the most unsettling aspect of this picture is? It's not the gravity-defying superpredator, nor is it the steam-spouting ramshackle go-kart that appears about to explode. No, it's this guy:
This guy is actually unimpressed. He's… he's fucking bored! What life must you live to find this hybrid of tooth, steel and speed so tedious that you're practically falling asleep inside the Motor-lion Pit?
"HOLY SHIT I AM A LION AND I AM ALMOST LEARNING TO DRIVE A CAR."
“Hmm. Forgive my apathy, you see, I've just finished racing an ape about the world in a hot air balloon.”
“BUT I AM THE KING OF THE JUNGLE AND NOW ALSO KING OF THE ROAD!”
“Yes, well. Last week I killed and ate the king of Spain on a gentleman's wager.”
“BUT MY ENORMOUS JAWS ARE ONLY KEPT IN CHECK BY CENTRIFUGAL FORCE. THEY ARE GOING LIKE 80 MILES AN HOUR.”
“Mmm? What, sorry, I fell asleep. Are you quite finished? I've an appointment to keep where I am to be fired at the moon from the world's largest cannon.”
