5 Filthy Jokes You (And the Censors) Missed in Famous Movies
There's no greater pleasure in life than tricking people into watching smut. Although you have to be smart about it. Inserting, say, an out-of-nowhere dick pic into the middle of a movie would technically accomplish the job, but there's just no finesse to it. No, you have to make the filth a sneaky and (above all else) integral part of your work. Then, when it slips undetected into the audience's mind, that's when you know you've won. A good example would be how the first letters of the previous sentences spell out the word "taint." And from the world of movies, we have such great examples of stealth naughtiness as ...
The Avengers: Loki Calls Black Widow a C**t
Is there anything new that can be said about The Avengers, one of the most talked-about movies of the last few years? Yes, there is: "Joss Whedon's boner."
What I mean by that is that I'm pretty sure Whedon had a throbbing erection while filming parts of the movie, specifically during all those close-ups of Black Widow's feet, because as I pointed out before, it's pretty obvious that the man has a massive foot fetish. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Nor does it diminish the director's claims that he's a feminist, which is why I know he'd appreciate the following, gender-equalizing segue from talking about dicks to the topic of female genitalia in The Avengers.
The Dirt:
About halfway through the film, Tom Hiddleston's Loki gets captured by S.H.I.E.L.D. and locked up in a glass cell, because fuck it, every calculating, intelligent villain has to be a reference to Hannibal Lecter.
Tom Hannibalston.
While he's in the cell, Black Widow approaches Loki and asks him to stop mind-controlling Hawkeye. The Norse god responds to this by ingesting 20 cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti and going on a verbal diarrhea monologue where he insults and taunts Black Widow about her pathetic sentimentality before ultimately calling her a "mewling quim." If you don't know what a "quim" is, then you and my spell check have at least one thing in common. But a quick Google search reveals that the word is actually a British synonym for "female genitalia," specifically the term for it that begins with a "C" and rhymes with "Hold on, did Loki just call Black Widow a 'c**t?!'"
The best thing about this sneaky cursing is probably how fitting it was for the character delivering it. After all, Marvel's Loki is kind of a dick who sounds like an angry Victorian gentleman getting a subpar handjob during his daily dictionary reading, so it'd actually make sense for him to drop a "sophisticated" British C-bomb. No wonder then that Whedon considers getting that line past the censors to be his "greatest achievement." Sort of like how my greatest achievement was secretly hyperlinking a picture of gay horse sex in the second "o" of "foot fetish" in the second paragraph.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Robin Williams Jokes About Eating Foreskin
Mrs. Doubtfire always reminded me of my old school bully, because it hit me way harder than I ever let on. On the surface, it looked like a silly comedy in which Robin Williams wore a dress, but beneath its juvenile humor was actually a heartbreaking story about a dad going to crazy lengths to be with his kids. Mrs. Doubtfire also had a surprisingly deep message about how divorce doesn't mean that people just stop being a family, which you really wouldn't expect from a movie that coined the word "Rumpleforeskin."
The Dirt:
Speaking of foreskin: Early on in the movie, we see Robin Williams trying out a number of different woman disguises, including a babushka-wearing Jewish grandmother who delivers the line: "I should never buy gribenes from a mohel. It's so chewy!"
The line of course is completely irrelevant to the plot. It was just some random Yiddish that Williams' character was testing out for his Mrs. Doubtfire prototype, no different than, say, "I should never bagel yarmulke from a mazel tov." Well, except that, in the original line, Robin Williams is actually joking about putting fried penis skin into his mouth.
It unfortunately turns out that "gribenes" are chicken/goose skin cracklings, and a "mohel" is the guy who performs traditional Jewish circumcision. Put it all together, add the "chewy" part of Williams' dialogue, and you end up with the most horrific penis joke in a family comedy ever, hidden behind a firewall of Yiddish. You probably also end up with the horrible realization that you might never get an erection ever again.
Beauty and the Beast: The Feather Duster Maid Gets Violently Stripped
Who would you say is the sexiest Disney character? Oh, and feel free to shout out your answers. Don't worry, they will eventually get to me, and when they do, they will be totally wrong, because the sexiest Disney character has always been the feather duster from Beauty and the Beast.
The reason why I've picked her is because, in her human form, the character is basically a sexy French maid centerfold that likes to fondle herself in public.
See, it's because she's holding a feather duster and ... Jesus, I'm glad my grandmother doesn't know enough English to read these articles.
But even as a feather duster, the character is constantly depicted with that coquettish, sultry smirk that seems to say: "I'm not wearing any underwear." And that's not just me being my typical perverted self. Other characters in the movie were clearly thinking the same thing, seeing as ...
The Dirt:
At one point, a guy actually tries to rip off the feather duster maid's skirt, presumably to get a good look at what's underneath.
The scene happens right before the finale, when Gaston Noncestoui storms Beast's castle with an angry mob. During the assault, we see a bunch of villagers going against the castle's staff, including a quick sequence of the enchanted maid getting her feathers pulled out by one of the attackers, before she's saved by Lumiere. And I'm just going to say it: He probably saved her from being raped.
I mean, the maid's feathers are obviously supposed to be her skirt, so pulling them out would be the same as stripping the character naked. Now, does that categorically imply sexual assault? Not necessarily, but the guy's super rapey face during the ordeal sure as hell does.
It also basically makes this scene the old-timey version of a guy trying to stick his dick in the vacuum cleaner.
Citizen Kane: A Reporter Spends the Entire Movie Looking for a Clitoris
It's possible to appreciate how objectively good something is without really liking that thing. Exhibit A: me and vegetables. Exhibit B: me and Citizen Kane. Does that technically make Citizen Kane a vegetable?
Yes, because if you bring either to family movie night, I WILL cut you.
A large part of why I didn't instantly love Orson Welles' masterpiece were the spoilers. Before I saw Citizen Kane for the first time, I'd already heard all about how the main character was based on newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst, and how "Rosebud" was his sled, which also represented his lost childhood. I think I would have enjoyed the movie more if I hadn't known that, or failing that, if I knew that "Rosebud" was actually a euphemism for "clitoris."
The Dirt:
No seriously -- Gore Vidal claims that "rosebud" is what Hearst called his mistress's lady parts.
Hearst was married to Millicent Willson for nearly 50 years, but for most of that time he was actually living openly with actress Marion Davies, the supposed inspiration for the character of Susan Alexander Kane in the movie. Just like Susan, Davies was a marginally-talented performer who was pushed by her powerful sugar daddy into a respectable profession (historical dramas), which she was even less suited for than she was for a career in marriage counseling. Once her acting career fell through, Davies fell back on her true passion: Hearst's penis, and getting drunk at Hollywood parties. That's when she supposedly met Herman Mankiewicz, the co-writer of Citizen Kane.
Mankiewicz was basically the Tony Stark of the screenwriting world, a vicious drunkard who dealt in masterfully-crafted stories and insults instead of bombs. Allegedly, after getting drunk together with the man one night, Davies ended up spilling the beans about how Hearst referred to her bean. Mankiewicz then put the word "Rosebud" into the movie to piss Hearst off (see: alcoholic jerk).
"What's he going to do? Ruin my career?!"
It is of course impossible to verify this claim, which admittedly is a tad dubious. I mean, are we really supposed to believe that men in the 1930s actually knew what a clitoris was?
Can we please stop hating on Cars? Yes, it was a bad movie, especially by Pixar standards, but it was never meant to be a masterpiece. It was meant to sell toys, and sell toys it did. Ten billion dollars' worth to be exact, or enough money to genetically design a bunch of intelligent talking fish and remake Finding Nemo as a live-action film (ignoring the fact that it would probably end with Nemo boning his dad). The point is that Cars was exactly what Pixar wanted it to be: a silly, kid-friendly moneymaker, even if it didn't start out that way.
The Dirt:
In the beginning, Cars was supposed to be slightly more serious and have more adult humor, like the seedy Top Down Truck Stop with "All Convertible Waitresses." Get it? Convertible = topless car = topless car. It works.
Eventually, though, the animators abandoned this kind-of-subtle boob joke and instead replaced it with a kind-of-explicit boob joke. You might remember a scene early on in the movie where two female Mazda cars run up to Lightning, yell that they are his biggest fans, and show him their pop-up headlights.
You don't have to look at Lightning's borderline-drooling face to see that the two cars have just FLASHED him their breasts. Whatever, the kids probably missed that. But wait ... If in this universe, headlights are basically bonnet boobies, then isn't every female car with exposed headlights technically running around with her tits out? It can't be that only pop-up headlights qualify as mammaries, because not every female car in the movie has those.
Let's back up a little. The movie clearly establishes that certain auto parts correspond to the human body. The windshields are the eyes, the tires are the legs, and the trunk is the ass.
Logically, there should be one car part that corresponds to boobs, and the headlights seem to be it, meaning that you can go ahead and masturbate furiously to Pixar's Cars without it being weird.
Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c.j.strusiewicz@gmail.com.
For more from Cezary, check out 5 Brilliant Moments You Probably Missed in Famous Movies and 4 WTF True Stories Behind the Traits of Famous Characters.
Check out Robert Evans' A Brief History of Vice: How Bad Behavior Built Civilization, a celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization one seemingly bad decision at a time.
