The 5 Biggest Dick Moves in Online Gaming History (Part 5)
Stellar fusion, human dickery, and entropy: the three most abundant processes in the universe. And as soon as we build enough solar panels, that will be the exact sequence of the rest of existence. Massively Multiplayer Online (MMO) games allow people to screw each other over on more levels than an Escherian orgy. It'll be impossible to get more dick movies into video games until someone fits sexbots with high score tables.
So players will enter ASS on the high score table twice over.
But while assholes try to ruin video games for everyone else, awesome people do the opposite. Which is why I want to give you a free issue of RETRO magazine. I have a column in it, and so does Seanbaby, and these are two reasons to read it in ascending order. Go here, choose a digital option, and enter promo code crackedfreedigital to receive a free issue.
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Now, let's look at more gamers who reversed the polarity of electronic entertainment.
Calling Police on a Livestream (World of Warcraft)
World of Warcraft is now larger than many countries, and has a larger sports industry than many more. Because real countries aren't led by arcane superwizards able to conjure infernal fire from their palms (apart from North Korea). eSports have gone from oxymoron to multimillion dollar industry. Videogame livestreams can embarrass regular sports commentary, because the commentator is also the player, and every single person watching has been in the same situation. Though it can also be more heavy breathing between "ums" than a shy virgin trying to Rocky his way past premature ejaculation. "Swifty" is the former, despite sounding like the latter, and his channel has over one hundred thousand subscribers.
One day I'll write an article where the evilest application of technology isn't in EVE Online. That day will be in 2047, with the return the Event Horizon. CCP Productions recently erected a real world monument to their player base, a stone and steel sculpture engraved with the names of every active player as of March 1, 2014, along with a tribute to dead players of the past. We like this idea of only letting video games escape into the real world as inanimate rocks incapable of hunting us down and killing us. It doubles as rock-solid proof that there's no such thing as ghosts, because every cenotaph in the world wasn't propelled into orbit by the spirits of the angry dead to merge and meteorite Reykjavik into a crater. It's an amazing effort to recognize the importance of their players, a touching tribute to their community, and it wasn't even a week before some assholes ruined it. And it only took that long because pudgy flesh travels slower than electronic impulses. If we redefined oxygen molecules as "nice things," these bastards would suffocate. They found the only physical expression of achievement or beauty from their entire virtual world, and then theny tweeted about vandalizing it. Their target, "Xenuria," does seem to have been banned by more corporations than nerve gas, and is about as popular with many people, but their bullshit is on another level. These are people who cared so much that they traveled to find the most important monument of their lives, made an effort, and were then exiled from the heavenly world that they loved so much. These scumbags reversed the polarity of pilgrimage. They were permanently banned, with three people and seven accounts suspended, which means the developers got to virtually exile all of these herostratic scum at least twice over. Now we just need to invent jump drives so we can exile these assholes from our world as well. Hey, we know space is full of chest-bursting, salt-draining horrors. Might as well use the right people to find them. Missing your favorite dick move? It might be in one of the previous articles: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4. If not, let me know about it in the forum! More video game goodness with It's a Wonderful World of Tanks, or face n00b Ramb0 in The Real Classes You Meet In Every Shooter. Luke also writes for RETRO magazine, tumbles, and responds to tweets.
Mourning space-capsuleers and making the Ghostbusters obsolete.
And only in space might we find things even dickier.
