The 12 Least Impressive Boasts in Rap Lyrics
Rappers love to brag about all the fun stuff they get to do and all the cool people they get to meet. And why wouldn't they? I'm sure having hoes in every area code is way more awesome than having a mortgage on a three-bedroom home in the suburbs or whatever other mundane achievement normal people strive for.
But sometimes, those boasts stray into territory that seems anything but impressive. And that's good, because I've literally made a career out of making fun of them for it. Why do I keep going back to this same well over and over? Because it never runs dry, that's why.
In today's episode, we'll be taking a look at a few rappers who took their boasting to new heights by shouting out some of the dorkiest things imaginable. Things that not even the commonest of commoners would ever be excited about.
Here are 12 of the lamest boasts in recent hip-hop history...
Drake - "Headlines"
The Lyric
"Tuck my napkin in my shirt cuz I'm just mobbin like that"
Why It's Lame
Look, I'm not even 100% sure what "mobbin" means, but I've heard rappers use that word hundreds of times. There is no way in hell that they're referring to tucking a napkin in your shirt like a 6-year-old eating chicken noodle soup at the dinner table.
"I'm from the streets bitch!"
Ice Cube has an entire song called "Steady Mobbin" and if there even is a mention of a napkin in the lyrics, which I'm sure there's not, it would likely be referring to the one he used to clean up all the jizz after nailing some hoodrat in the back of an Impala.
Tell me about the drugs you've sold or the people you've shot or all the money you made before you were old enough to legally drink and then I'll accept your "mobbin" boasts, Drake. Until then, what you consider "mobbin" is really just "being a pretentious dick at dinner." You might as well be boasting about all those years you spent playing the wheelchair bound kid on DeGrassi High.
Young Jeezy - "Black Dreams"
The Lyric
"Holla at ya boy, yeah I can do alot for ya, Speakin my language if you talkin bout tilapia"
Why It's Lame
Tilapia? Your language is that relatively cheap fish you can buy in bags from the frozen section of damn near every grocery store on earth? That's your language?
He's also fluent in salmon.
To Jeezy's credit, and I can't believe I just referred to a grown man as "Jeezy", I did run a quick Urban Dictionary search for "tilapia" and have determined that he's referring to one of four things:
1. Cocaine
2. Vagina
3. Filipino vagina
4. A person who smells
He's probably talking about cocaine, but I'm holding out at least some hope that he's talking about Filipino vagina, because I love specifics.
Lil Wayne - "3 Peat"
The Lyric
"I just do this shit for my click like Adam Sandler"
Why It's Lame
Yes, I get it, this is clever. Because, see, Click was the name of an Adam Sandler movie, right? But also, Adam Sandler has a long track record of casting his close friends in all of his films. Close friends who would probably be unemployed otherwise. And close friends could also be referred to as a "clique." So Adam Sandler's movie career is all to help his friends out, and Lil' Wayne is similarly charitable with his less talented friends.
So, clever, yes. But think about the implications here. Basically, Lil' Wayne is saying he's the Adam Sandler of rap. By extension, this would make Drake the Kevin James of rap and Nicki Minaj the Rob Schneider of rap. And all of the other anonymous members of his clique are just that dude with the bushy eyebrows who shows up in every Sandler movie despite not even having a name.
Who the fuck are you?
Is this really what you're aspiring to be, Lil' Wayne? Wouldn't you rather be the Judd Apatow of rap or something? Have some standards, man.
Timbaland - "All Y'all"
The Lyric
"Live life to the fullest, drive cars, eat hot food, live in a mansion next to Hanson"
Why It's Lame
Man, talk about a roller coaster ride of a boast. When you hear "live life to the fullest" you're like "Yeah, man, that's how I want to live my life." But then you get to "drive cars, eat hot food" and you're all "Shit, you mean I'm already living life to the fullest? That's disappointing."
But things quickly take a turn for the better with "live in a mansion" and you're thinking "Right, we're back on track now. Hot food in a mansion. That's the best food, Timbaland, the best!" And then it all comes crashing down when you find out that mansion is "next to Hanson" and you decide you'd rather keep your day job than move in next to a band of shitty one-hit wonders.
"Mmmmmbop!"
And why in the hell would the members of Hanson not have their own homes? Weren't those dudes all damn near in their 30's by the time this song came out? And before anyone asks, no, I can't Google that information, because I don't care.
Kanye West - "Big Brother"
The Lyric
"I told Jay I did a song with Coldplay"
Why It's Lame
Motherfucker did you just say Coldplay? You did a song with Coldplay and you're bragging about it to people? You're a rapper, for the love of God. Doing a song with Coldplay isn't the kind of thing you boast about, it's the kind of thing you blame your record label for making you do because they felt the rest of the songs on your album weren't commercial enough.
"Trust us on this one. We wouldn't have our arms crossed if we didn't understand rap music."
Don't get me wrong, Coldplay is a great band provided you've never heard of Radiohead and you have no personality. But, as a rapper, you just can't go bragging about recording songs with Coldplay. Why not just say "I did a song with a band that I hope will make more white people like me?" That's way more honest.
Warren G - "I Want It All"
The Lyric
"I want it all, brand new socks and drawers"
Why It's Lame
Man, how sad is this? In the middle of a song chock full of shout-outs to the finer things in life, Warren G throws "news socks and drawers" in the mix. The implications here are staggeringly depressing. Almost as depressing as his stint on VH1's Celebrity Fit Club
Above: Rock Bottom
Has Warren G seriously never had a pair of new socks and underwear up to this point in his life? Or did he squander the money he made from that "Regulators" song so severely that he never managed to work his way up from a life of wearing second hand tighty-whities? Has he actually been buying that used underwear at a thrift store or just, like, getting them from Snoop Dogg when he was done with them?
Whatever the answers to those questions may be, never having new socks and drawers is some Sarah McLachlan abused pet commercial level sadness. If someone can confirm that Warren G did finally get the mint condition undergarments he's always dreamed of, I'd sleep a whole lot better tonight. Thanks.
Jay-Z - "Otis"
The Lyric
"New watch alert, Hublot!"
Why It's Lame
I get it, Jay-Z, you're rich. But is this the kind of rich dude you are? The kind who buys a new watch and then bursts into a room full of friends and yells out "New watch alert!" like those Sex and the City chicks?
"New penis alert!"
Nobody likes that guy. One, because he's the kind of guy who throws his wealth in everyone's face. Two, because if you fail to respond to his "new watch alert" in a timely and enthusiastic enough fashion, he's going to sulk in the corner getting hammered on Appletinis and daydreaming about the catty comments his friends make about him when he's not around.
That said, Hublot does make some pretty nice watches. I'd probably be excited too if I could afford one.
Nelly - "Ride With Me"
The Lyric
"I'll be on the next flight, payin cash first class sittin next to Vanna White"
Why It's Lame
Come on, man. Was "Vanna White" really the only celebrity name you could think of that rhymes there? Wasn't Walter Cronkite still alive when this song came out? That guy was the shit! But sitting next to Vanna White hasn't been something to be excited about since she was maybe in her early-40's, and that was like in 1984 or something. Vanna White is 106 years old and flips letters on a game show board for a living.
"So I was like 'so long, acting dreams' I'm joining up with Sajak!"
Nobody is excited about meeting her anymore, Nelly. Well, maybe that Midwestern soccer mom demographic you were so clearly catering to when you did that horrific song with Tim McGraw a few years ago would be excited about meeting Vanna White. But that's it.
50 Cent - "High All the Time"
The Lyric
"Stash box, Xbox, laptop, fax machine, phone"
Why It's Lame
This list of accessories and gadgets, in the context of the song, referred to all of the bells and whistles one could expect to find in a car owned by 50 Cent. Does anything on that list seem like maybe it's not as impressive as the others?
"Does this outdated office equipment make me look hardcore?"
Right, the fax machine. Those things have been selling for like seven dollars at Staples for years now. And if you have a laptop and a phone, why do you even need a fax machine? Scan and email your documents like an adult.
Even if there was some kind of mythical status that came with being the dude who has a fax machine in your car, the fact remains, bragging about owning a fax machine is quite possibly the lamest boast this side of big-upping your scientific calculator.
Will Smith - "Gettin Jiggy Wit It"
The Lyric
"Ciga-cigar right from Cuba-Cuba, I just bite it, It's for the look I don't light it"
Why It's Lame
Lame. Just so fucking lame. For one thing, this is a Cuban cigar we're talking about. You can't even buy those in the United States, and this guy is smuggling them in just to fucking chew on them? What an asshole. That's like smoking a bag of Afghani Kush (that's weed, people) without inhaling it just because you like how cool you look when people think you're getting high. You do realize Cuban cigars don't look any different than other cigars, right? Save the money and potential legal problems and just chew on a Macanudo or something, dummy.
Macanudo...Jamaican for cigar. Cigar...Jamaican for "another place to put weed."
But honestly, why are you chewing on a cigar anyway? If your oral fixation is so severe that you need to have something in your mouth at all times, might I suggest using ... a toothpick? (Raise your hand if you thought I was going to say "cock".) Walking around the club with an unlit cigar in your mouth is just going to confuse the shit out of people. Are you really biting it? Because that implies that it's going to get shorter and shorter as the night progresses, until finally the entire club is gawking at the dude walking around with the unlit nub of a cigar in his mouth. Buy some Nicorette already, you weirdo tobacco fiend.
KRS-One - "You Don't Really Want It"
The Lyric
"I spit tighter, I'm not like all the rest, I'm not a playa but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express"
Why It's Lame
Even if this song was recorded, literally, the day after those stupid Holiday Inn Express commercials debuted, this still qualifies as one of the lamest punchlines in the history of rap music. Even referencing those "Wazzzzzzzuuuuupppppp" commercials would have been better than this. To his credit, at least he didn't shout out the Geico Gecko.
And to make matters worse, this is coming from KRS-One. He's supposed to be one of the good guys who don't pull stunts like this. He's a real MC. Or at least that's what he would have us believe. But when you've reached the point where tossing out a reference to Holiday Inn Express seems like a cool idea that all the kids will identify with (his words, not mine, probably), it's time to just stop rapping altogether.
Kanye West - "Flashing Lights"
The Lyric
"I get a call like where are you Yeezy, Try to hit you with a 'Oeur de Whopee'"
Why It's Lame
Motherfucker did you just say whoopee? Who are you, Bob Eubanks? Whoopee? You're referring to sex as "whoopee?" This makes your Colplay shout-out seem downright rebellious.
"If I'm so lame, how do you explain this hair?"
Look, if things get so desperate with a particular lyric that your only means of salvaging it is throwing in a slang term for sex that nobody under the age of 90 uses anymore, just throw the entire song out. It's a clear sign that you're supposed to be working on something else. Like maybe finding a comfortable spot on your davenport to write a song about doing the Charleston.
Seriously, this is the lamest whoopeeing lyric I've ever heard.
Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. Be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.
For more of Adam's rapping chops, check out The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap and Why Eminem Needs to Find Something New to Rap About.
