The 10 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Toys Exported by China
America is the land of opportunity, and for many immigrants, that means starting a business. In my neighborhood of San Francisco's Mission District, that business is always Maze Filled With Garbage. You see them every 10 feet -- tiny stores offering an unlikely combination of "gift," "fashion," "fish" and "trade." Sun-bleached Doro the Exploda luggage spills from them onto the sidewalk, and inside are narrow corridors filled with one-size-fits-all wedding dresses, bras for women who never plan on taking their shirt off and "I Heart San Francisco" snow globes from back when it was called Pangaea. No product in the store is ever more than 6 inches from a tube of underwear or a dusty neon Jesus clock, but if you've had all your shots and you're thin enough to navigate them, visit one and head to the toy section. Their toys are amazing, and if you're in the market for joy and magic, every single one of these is on the shelves now:
AMVSING TRUCK
There are a number of ELEGANT FEATURES to this children's favourite. Let's take a look at each of them.
1 The moving bus makes the baby wonder the reason of moving.
2 The interesting battery operated bump'n go action makes the baby drive well.
Hold on a second. Are you telling me that watching a maniac elephant smash into things is actually how Chinese people teach their babies to drive!? Because last week in a parking lot, they told me I was racist when I screamed that exact thing at them.
3 The pretty music arouse baby to learn music.
Forgive me if I'm skeptical of child psychology research done by a sweatshop's copy writer, but I don't think there's a link between musical aptitude and an elephant monster playing "Camptown Races" with a car horn. If this said "Pretty music cause baby work harder and meat more tender," then OK, you're the expert.
1 The shining Flashing light can arouse the seeing baby's interests.
2 The pretty music can arouse the baby's hearing interests.
I don't know why they added this bullet point a second time in a second set of bullet points. I guess they really want to make it clear how much this is about to arouse your baby. Have the hose ready.
Favolable Letarded Grammar:
BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO
BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO is a huge rollerskating robot that comes with one accessory-- a 7-inch shield. Here's what's strange, though: There are five choking hazard warnings on the box. Five. Who could ... wait, did China read about our obesity rate and decide our children had snakes for faces? Listen, parents, if there is someone or something in your house capable of swallowing any part of BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO, focus your attention on it-- that is almost certainly the future cause of death for your child.
This fashivably coloured robot has seven unique actions, and I know you're dying to hear them, but first I want you to brace yourself. They're kind of weird.
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It might sound a beautiful music. It might not. Look, they didn't exactly hire China's top robotics team for this project, so if some beautiful music sounds, have a good time. $7.99 buys you honesty, not craftsmanship. |
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No one said this was a children's toy. BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO is a sexual being, and it will stop to luff. |
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The luffing will continue long into Stage 3. |
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I think it's saying that if you want to luff, too, it's not programmed to mind that one bit. |
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Stage 5: BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO insists. GO AHEAD. |
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Stage 6: BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO seriously cannot believe you're entering into a battle of wills with a masturbating robot. Are you waiting for it to change its mind? To simply ignore its prime directive? GO. AHEAD. |
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Stage 7: install 3 AA batteries. Oh wow, you mean BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO did all that before I put in the batteries!? Holy shit! |
Favolable Letarded Grammar:
I think "The Truth Eho The Eyes Met Before" loosely translates to "The Hand I Know How For Type With Is Luffing."
BiBi
In the baby world, a demonic face is the polite way to let everyone know that you've been replaced with a changeling. Look at this monstrosity: This doll was designed as a dream home for a murderer's ghost. BiBi looks like something that would emerge shrieking from a Dumpster of used rape kits.
Favolable Letarded Grammar:
I think BiBi's body also will shaking when the scarabs inside it start their mating ritual.
SUPER POWER POLICECAR
I was determined to prove her wrong, so I held this toy up and said, "One SUPER POWER POLICECAR, please." Then I nodded for a second and growled, "THE WHOLE WORLD IS MATCHLESS." Strangely, the woman who thought up the idea of opening Mission Street's 73rd indoor junkyard had no idea that everything I was saying was awesome. She charged me $8.99 for a driverless plastic car-like shape that inches slowly forward until it hits something. Oh, damn it. Now that I think about it, that condescending bitch might have been right.
Favolable Letarded Grammar:
Hell yes it is.
BATHING BABY
The box warned me that my BATHING BABY's specifications are, and I quote, "SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE." This made me wonder what incredible toys China is keeping to itself that could give notice before they changed. What would they say? "AIEEEEE!!! MY FLESH! CONSUMER, BE WARNED, MY INFANT FLESH IS TAKING THE FORM OF A GIANT SLOR!!!"
I figured the warning was a misprint, since China has been wrong or lying with literally every syllable they've ever printed on one of their toys. So I opened the box expecting a blonde plastic baby partially devoured by Dongguan wig mites and instead saw the last thing a new white father is prepared for:
Sorry, black baby. I already named you Dongguan Wig Mites before I found out you were bald. And now I'm about to put you in something that costs 12 cents to manufacture, mixes running water and electricity and includes only this for instructions:
You are going to die.
Crary Chicken
What am I, a wizard? How am I supposed to come up with a joke about a toy chicken that you choke?
Favolable Letarded Grammar:
Aside from the word "ghoking" and a randomly placed period, crary chicken's box seems to have been written by someone who speaks this language pretty well. Now, I'm not saying Chinese exporters are pulling some kind of elaborate prank, but it's a little suspicious that they only speak good English when they're writing phrases that accidentally mean masturbation. I'm guessing it's no coincidence that 80 percent of their last names mean "penis" over here either. Here at Cracked, we've done our best to prevent this day from coming, but crary chicken confirms it: The People's Republic of China has officially won the dick joke race.
THE JAZZMAN
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This is exactly what it would look like if a California Raisin finally had racism explained to it in the middle of a saxophone solo. |
Favolable Letarded Grammar:
You're not going to trick me, China. I know enough about jazz to know that Caucasians aren't allowed to say "squate."
My Lovely Dolls
One of the most troubling things about these toys is that they aren't cheap. This doll costs $14.99 and looks like it was shipped here by way of fistfight. That's about five dollars more than you'd spend on a nondented, properly spelled doll at the Walgreens directly next door in either direction. And if the madman who made this has a reason for a train conductor baby to need scissors, an ear speculum and a syringe, I don't want to hear it. This doll could open its mouth and howl, "I'm here to drain the blood from your children!" and it wouldn't surprise you at all.
Favolable Letarded Grammar:
That's pretty fucked up, but OK. With pleasure.
WILDLIFE ANIMALS HANDPICK
Giant dimetrodon? Neon pink parasaurolophus? These are the sweetest farm animals I've ever seen! I hope this toymaker got a raise, but now that I think about it, what is a raise for a sweatshop worker? Mailing your family your hair when you die?
Favolable Letarded Grammar:
This Engrish came from one of WILDLIFE ANIMALS HANDPICK's competitors -- a line of toys known only as "ANIMAL." ANIMAL promised "many style a lot," only every single bag was the same: Orange Elk & Orange Liger.
It also mentioned how most of the elks and ligers had new catenas, which seemed more like a warning than a feature. And of course, Flashing enter. This phrase is so common on Chinese toys that I'm almost positive it means, "Oh god, the factory laserbot is comi--!"
Happy Little Masters
You know, this Happy little masters sewing machine and steam press play set was probably made by a child with actual happy little masters. And I bet the entire time they were wondering, "Who would sit at one of these machines for fun?" Or at least they would have if wondering was allowed during work hours.
Favolable Letarded Grammar:
I doubt the toy really works for promoting sewing enthusiasm, since it also claims to develop intelligence, confidence and "performing ability," but some asshole made a pretend sewing machine to train children how to do housework. Think of the despair of the sweatshop worker putting this toy together. It'd be like making someone dig their own grave and then sit in it while they wrote a grave-digging guidebook for the next generation of people held at gunpoint.
Do you need more evidence that Happy little masters is a criminal organization? Its catch phrase is "COME ON, COLLECT AKK THE NEW SAMPLE!" That means nothing. What could that be other than the dying words of a U.N. investigator the Happy little masters choked to death? They are creating an army of slaves and taunting us while they do it!
