So You've Effed Up Your Life, Here's How To Fix It
I'm not sure that I've ever met someone who hasn't fucked up their life at least one solid time. It doesn't matter in what manner. It could be getting fired from or walking out of a job, demolishing a relationship, a terrible argument with a family member ... or in half of my family's case, prison.
As with any problem, the severity will range from person to person. Like my grandma used to tell me when I was a kid, "One man's job loss is another man's meth charges." But the cause isn't the part that matters. What matters is how you handle it. How you recover. How you rebuild. And how you prevent yourself from ever doing that dumb shit again. Fortunately, the process of fixing these various fuckups is pretty universal. Trust me, I've put this method to practical use, and though it may not work for everyone, it worked for me.
Start With The Basics ... No, I Mean REALLY Basic
Let me start off with an extreme example, because it's much easier to put your own life into perspective when comparing it to other people's ass-dickery. When I said I had multiple relatives in prison, that wasn't a joke. Right now, I know of at least three close family members who are locked up, and none of them are serving their first sentence. Every one of them have shown the same pattern for the last 20 years:
They get locked up, which means they eventually get sober. Once they're sober, they start to reevaluate their lives and realize that their current situation is their own fault. They apologize to friends and family, and swear they'll never put people through this horseshit ever again. They get released. Two years later, they're back to trading ramen noodles for envelopes so they can write home and ask for commissary money so they can buy more ramen.
After the second conviction, their words rank dead center on the scale of "jack" and "shit."
The problem that I see happening with all of them (besides the fact that they keep getting caught) is that when they get back into the real world, they try to fix everything at once. They so desperately want to get back to where they were before being tased and handed an orange jumpsuit that they go balls to the wall with emotional spackling. They're in a state of panic, trying to fix their relationships so that they can fix themselves ... but they have it ass-backwards.
David Wong wasn't fucking around when he said that in order for people to want to be around you, you have to become the person that people want to be around. You absolutely cannot be that person unless you have a solid foundation. Start small. Do you have food? Shelter? A job? If not, how do you get those things? Once those are taken care of, go up a level. Do you have decent clothes? A phone? Transportation?
This isn't just for extreme examples. This is true for any "I just A-bombed my life right in its asshole" situation. Arguments, betrayals, job loss, breakups -- all of these are situations in which you have to rebuild, and all of them require a basic foundation. See, there's a little secret that adults don't tell you, because it undermines the importance of their warnings: Bridges are a lot harder to burn than you think.
That's because with enough time and effort on your part, you can convince people that you're finally on the level without saying a damn word. When you're truly fixed, when you sincerely have your shit together, people will be able to tell at a glance. Because as it turns out, that bridge isn't built so that you can get from where you are to where you want to be. You are the bridge.
Don't Rush Into Fixing Relationships
I touched on this in the last point, but it's really important, so I'm touching it even more. Slow, greasy, uncomfortable touching.
You're starting with the basics for a reason. When you do something to fuck up your life, it's never about that one incident. The collapse didn't happen because of the argument or the crime or you showing up to work wearing a studded leather codpiece. The incident itself was just the tipping point. There are things going on behind the curtain that may be obvious to everyone around you, but not to you.
It's your job to figure out what that monster is, sharpen your giant anime sword, and cut that asshole's head off. The hard part is that the end boss is never easy to find. You're not going to look into the horizon and see a skull-shaped volcano.
The upside is that if you're living and growing, that battle is taking place without you even knowing. It just happens so slowly that you'd need time-lapse photography to see it in action. There's no big finish line or ceremony that ends with you receiving a medal from the princess while your Wookie friend gets the finger. You just sort of realize years later, "Hey, I haven't seen that demon around in ages. I must have beaten him. Or at least scared him away. Huh. PIZZA ROLLS! That's what I've been hungry for!"
There is, unfortunately, no shortcut. By diving directly into "must fix this shit" mode, you're trying to skip all of the prerequisites, and a relationship with no foundation may as well be built on quicksand. The other person sees you trying to win them back and thinks, "He can't survive without me, and that's why he's trying so hard. He's trying to fix things because he needs something." And they're not wrong. You're trying to get a quick fix of love, money, sex, comfort, free Netflix password ... whatever your lacking that you can't quickly build for yourself.
If you get to a place in your life where you're able to provide those things for yourself, it's sending that person a different message. "Oh, he wants me back in his life ... and not just the things I can provide." I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. It's the same (albeit less orgasmy) with family, friends, and co-workers.
Don't take all of this to mean that you can't contact the people you've wronged. Do you feel like you need to apologize? Fine, apologize. But regardless of their reaction, you have to be prepared to get on with your life, because the sooner you fix yourself, the sooner you have something to offer someone else. Prepare yourself, though, because sometimes you will have to ...
Accept That Some Things Are Unfixable
This is going to absolutely suck to hear, but you need to hear it: Some people have given up on you. Some people are angry with you, and will continue to be angry until the day they shit in your open coffin. And there isn't a goddamn thing you can do about it.
Say it. Understand it. Accept it.
It's easy to get so caught up in trying to fix relationships that we forget that it takes both parties making an equal effort. This isn't like a wrench tightening a loose bolt; it's 6,000 tools and a fleet of construction equipment building a skyscraper. It doesn't matter whether we're talking about romance or an old boss, the lesson is the same: Sometimes you just can't unfuck yourself.
I've seen people give into emotional whims and walk out on jobs, ruining their chances of ever coming back. I did that myself in a regular pattern for 30 years. I've ended relationships so badly that I didn't even want to grocery shop on the off chance that I'd see that person at the store. I've felt that nut-punching regret and tormented myself for years over my own actions. But at some point, you have to accept that it's not fixable and let it go.
Again, it doesn't mean you shouldn't apologize or make an effort. But you can't be surprised if the other person wants you to fuck entirely off. Sometimes the ball just isn't in your court and never will be. Knowing and accepting that isn't just about giving the other person some peace; it's about giving yourself some peace. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can move on and get to work on (again, I cannot stress this enough) becoming the kind of person other people want to be around.
Always Have A Bigger Goal On The Back Burner
Half of the wisdom geysers I've seen online spout off about how you shouldn't spend so much time worrying about the future. "Enjoy what you have! Live in the now!" The other half tell you to focus on the future, because you're wasting precious time by burying your nose in stupid flowers. It drives me nuts because they're presenting it as if you have to pick one or the other -- as if it's impossible to do both. Horseshit.
There has to be a balance between those two states, because what you do now directly affects what you'll become later. It's why half of all romance movies have a scene in which the woman asks the man, "Where is this relationship going?" It's why we think that guy is a douche when he doesn't have an answer. Living 100 percent in the present makes him shortsighted. Living 100 percent in the future makes him a dreamer. A balance of the two makes him a desirable, ambitious adult.
That doesn't mean you can't be happy with where you are right now in a job or relationship. Plenty of people have jobs they love and have no desire to move up in a company. That's fine. But I'm telling you that if you don't have some sort of upward movement (pay scale, respect, love, knowledge), you will get stagnant. And stagnation is a recipe for depression. As well as some forms of Russian kids' drinks.
If you're trying to rebuild yourself after fucking up your life, this isn't just advice. It's a necessity. Where do you want to be in a year? What do you need to do today -- right this second -- to get yourself closer to that goal? Want to get married? What paperwork do you need to fill out, and how do you get the willpower to propose without nervously farting? Want to make more money? Will that require a promotion? A better work evaluation? Working for a different company? Blackmail?
That growth is what keeps you motivated and active. But just as importantly, it tells other people, "I am an adult human, and I am someone you want to be friends with. I am absolutely worth your emotional or professional investment. PIZZA ROLLS! That's what I'm hungry f- wait, no, I had those last night."
But most of all, despite the fact that everyone in the world will tell you otherwise ...
Worry
The biggest bullshit piece of advice I've ever gotten is: "Don't worry about it. Things will always work out in the end." Well, I'm telling you that I spent most of my life not worrying about it, and it got me snugly embedded in the devil's asshole. Things worked out because I made them work out, and I didn't do that with a carefree "Come what may" attitude. I tried it. It didn't work.
Don't get me wrong here. I'm not telling you to worry until you vomit blood. I'm not saying to stress yourself into a mental hospital or loss of sleep. I'm saying that if you don't remember how shitty it was to restart your life from scratch, you are going to repeat it. It's a pretty easy way to "skip to page 316" in the choose-your-own-adventure book and fall crotch-first into a pit of spikes.
"The Cycle Wins. Flawless Predictability."
The most effective means of positive growth isn't a reward system. It's not a punishment system. It's a combination of both positive and negative reinforcement. That's not conjecture; that's Psychology 101.
Seeing the positive impacts of fixing your life is pretty awesome. That's what kept me striving for bigger and better positions within my own life and career. But remembering what it was like to be an impoverished alcoholic who had to borrow money for basic survival? Those are the moaning, bleeding walls that keep me from ever going back into that haunted house ever a-goddamn-gain.
Unfucking your life takes time. It takes patience. You have to be tougher than Wolverine's sideburns. But you absolutely can pull it off. And if you fuck it all up again? Take a breath. Start over. Figure out where you went wrong and don't do that thing again, dipshit. But for God's sake, don't make it more complex than it has to be. It's not rocket science.
Well, unless you're fucking up your career as a rocket scientist. Then yeah, it's exactly rocket science.
For more check out 5 Things That Have to Happen Before You Fix Your Crappy Life and John Cheese: How Self Destruction Ate Me Alive For 30 Years.
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